SEC predictions, week #4

Oh well, you can’t be perfect every week – and we would have been perfect, ‘cept we forgot that refusing to believe Spurrier’s boasting meant that we had to trust in Mark Richt. Bad move. Any way, going 10-1 ain’t too bad and that brings our season record to 33-3. We’ll take that for now and use it for motivation to get us on to week #4. And we got another early start as Awbarn takes Manhattan (Kansas).

Thursday, September 18:

Auburn at Kansas State: The Wargles took last week off and should be in good shape to take on the Wildcats from K-State. The purple Wildcats are 2-0 but haven’t beaten a real team yet (and had to come from behind against Iowa State to win). It could be tough for the Barners but they should win this one by a couple of TDs. The only problem will be trying to get their players over the disappointment of not being able to see the Empire State building. Awbarn goes to 3-0.

Saturday, September 20:

Troy at Georgia: The G-Dawgs get to take out some of their frustrations this week. Losing to Spurrier can take it out of you – but if there’s anything that can help put it back into you, it’s playing Troy. The Trojans come into Athens sporting a 3-game losing streak (losing to UAB, Duke, and some girl named Abilene Christian) so they ain’t exactly whatchoo’d call “riding high.” And the Dawgs ain’t happy. They blew a chance to basically wrap up the Eastern Division championship last week and are looking for someone to beat within an inch of their lives. Not a good time for the Trojans to visit Athens. G-Dawgs win.

Texas A&M at SMU: TA&M started with a bang, beating the GameCocks in Columbia. But the past two weeks they’ve feasted on truffle-eaters – and this week is no different. The Mustangs come into this one with an unblemished record of 0-2 – the bad news is that their two losses have come at the hands of Baylor (not too embarrassing) and the Not-so-Mean Green of North Texas (which is like losing your little sister in “Horse” on Thanksgiving with all the family and your best friends watching). If A&M has any trouble in this one, it’ll be news. They won’t. A&Mers go to 4-0.

Indiana at Missouri: Well everybody wishes they’d scheduled some B1G Ten teams this year don’t they? And especially a team that just lost to Bowling Green (Bowling Green? we thought that was one of those British TV shows). Mizzou’s extended exhibition season continues one more week. They’ve already played three sororities – so they may have the softest 4-0 record in the country. But, the schedule gets tougher next week – and it’s about time. The Midwest Tigers go to 4-0.

Northern Illinois at Arkansas: The Pig Lady is about to OD on whatever it is that makes Razorpigs high. After losing to the Barn in week #1, the Pigs have put it together – beating the Red Raiders like red-headed step-chillin last week. NIU comes in with an undefeated record – which is surprising until you look at who they’ve beaten (the Presbyterian Church Ladies, the B1G Ten Mildcats, and three drunk gamblers from Las Vegas). Not impressive. This week they will lose their unblemished record. Pigs go to 3-1.

Mississippi State at LSU: And speaking of “fired up” the Cowbell Gang is so worked up they have to hose themselves down to keep from bursting into flames. They’ve beaten three little sisters-of-the-poor, and, as we’ve mentioned, being undefeated is a lot better than being Vandy. But unfortunately, that all ends this week as the Tigurs welcome the Bullies to “return to earth Saturday.” LSU hasn’t exactly burned the house down in their victories thus far, but they are good enough to weather a Dak Prescott attack. The Tigurs win.

South Carolina at Vanderbilt: Any team that can make the “Minute Men” want to change their name to “the 59-minute men” is a bad football team. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you Vandy (and we would be highly gratified if you would take them!). We’ve been talking about that Vandy slogan “Anchor Down” and figured out that it must mean they’re happy sitting dead in the water while the other sailboats in the sailboat race humiliate them. Strange. Ordinarily, this would be a perfect time for an upset of USC (east). Ordinarily you would think they’d be overlooking you. Unfortunately, everybody overlooks Vandy and it still makes no difference. So the Visor can be thankful that he’s playing in Opryland this week cause that means that no matter how badly the Cocks try to lose this game, they will not be successful. USC (east) gets their second SEC victory.

Florida at Alabama: You know, it’s not often you have the opportunity to have a historic loss and get your coach fired in the same game, but the Gators actually had that opportunity last Saturday and let it slip through their fingers. With the assistance of a cooperative officiating crew, the Swamp Things pulled out a triple-overtime victory and now come into T-Town undefeated. This is their opportunity to win back some of the respect they’ve lost over the past few seasons. Alabama on the other hand, has played the three blind mice to open its season and nobody knows just how good they really are. This game will be a test for both teams. Were the Gators taking Kentucky for granted? Has the Tide been “holding back” and hiding some of its playbook offensively and defensively? We’ll see. And we think we’ll see the Tide rise a bit this week. It could be a close game, but the Champs continue their march to the playoffs. Bama goes to 4-0 on the season.

So, there you have it, y’all. Now all you have to do is decide on what you want at the tailgate – we’re having some of Mommer’s special, eat-so-much-you-hurt Nachos, with that special salsa. Ohhhhhh son, son! They so good they taste like krispy pieces of Christmas. Y’all come join us. Keep safe – don’t do any of those stunts those Russian teenagers try on those tall buildings. Stay inside and enjoy you some real, honest-to-goodness tackle football – with some good eats on the side. We hope your team wins – unless your team’s colors are orange and blue and have reptile mascots.

See you next week.

RTR.

The red-hot iron of disappointment

Oh yes, pity the poor helpless fans of those teams that lose when they should have won and blow leads they shouldn’t have blown and in the process, made their fans wish they were dead (or dangerously provoke them to commit unspeakable acts of violence). This week we get to listen to the fans of Iowa, Georgia, and USC (west):

Iowa is not suppose to lose to Iowa State, but Iowa is in the B1G Ten and ISU isn’t. This is not the year to be a B1G Ten fan:

“someone stab me in the face.”

“this is a clinic on how to give a game away”

“There’s a 800 pound gorilla in the room and he’s sitting in the coaches box”

“I will not even consider attending another Iowa game with K(irk) F(erentz) as head coach. . . I’m beginning to think we are living in an Ayn Rand reality where we pay the incompetent 4.5 million dollars a year for FAILURE.”

“I’d really like to lose a different way for once”

“I’m already having a bad day emotionally and this just shoved the red hot iron of ultimate disappointment into my gut.”

“I haven’t felt this bad since I accidentally forgot to wash my hands and got Ben Gay on my nuts.”

“ask him why we play Jacob Hillyer, a WR who seems to carry a Corner Back magnet in his helmet”

“guys i don’t think we’re going to make the playoff”

“Ferentz is going to owe me a new liver for this”

“Blow my brains out with a nail gun.”

USC (west) gets a big win then an embarrassing loss (like a loss to former Big Least team, Boston College). The perfect formula for causing your fan base to implode:

“Why do I sports?”

“You know what sucks so much about this game? This just feels like a Kiffin-led team.”

“Dammit, Kiffin got a hold of our headset again”

“Negative run, run, sack, punt. Pt 6
We like remakes here in Hollywood.”

“So, who’s going to start the official “SC needs to stop recruiting statues at QB” thread?”

“Oh hey they’re blitzing still
Let’s not call a screen to counter it again”

“Laughing at the pain is my only resort right now”

“Where are the sunshine pumpers who thought we would come back in the 2nd half? Plz pick up a white courtesy phone”

“From here on out, we only recruit Black QBs. The Blacker, the better. I’m tired of mobile QBs raping us.”

“I hate my life.”

“I hate everything.”

Georgia looked like they might be able to do something this year – but losing to the team that lost to TA&M does not bode well. And the Dawg fans are something less than impressed:

“Our D couldn’t stop a 5-year-old with one leg. Our O couldn’t score from the 9 yard line. Our prize kicker missed 2 FGs. The refs stole about 14 points from us. Just a synergy of suck all around.”

“404 error secondary not found”

“Switched from beer to bourbon somewhere in the second quarter. Hasn’t helped much.”

“You had 1st anf goal and Gurely did not carry the ball 3 times. You jackass. You are a jackass. I take back every time I have ever defended Bobo. You are a total jackass.”

“Okay I’ve got a beer, chocolate cake, and “Everybody Hurts” is on repeat in the CD player. Time for my post-game loss ritual”

“3rd and god damn three and we pass with a,QB who has barely ever played in college when we have the best backfield in the country.”

“Pruitt better shoot a safety during halftime to raise morale.”

“Was Pruitt on vacation all week or did we hire Grantham back?”

“I feel like I’m watching the braves”

“if you’re gonna rough the passer you may as well break his legs.”

Alabama 52, Southern Miss 12

So how can you complain about a 40 point victory? Well, actually, you can’t and we won’t, but there’s still something not quite right. Not yet. It can come (and it would be nice if it came this coming Saturday) but it ain’t quite there yet.

This game went pretty much as everyone expected. The Tide is a much better (and deeper) team than the Golden Eagles. They have better skilled players, a better offensive line, better running backs, a better defense, and — well, you get the idea, Southern Miss is a really bad Division 1 football team.

And yet (here comes the minor complaining) the Eagles gained over 260 yards in total offense on Saturday (over 200 through the air). And on top of this, Nick Perry was called for targeting and will miss the first half of the Florida game. So, things are not getting any easier for the defensive backfield. It’s time to raise the level of play.

Blake Sims got most of the snaps and again played adequately — i.e. not good enough to give us a great level of confidence, but . . . adequate. Jacob Coker looked a bit more comfortable but still made a couple of plays that fall into the “hey-man-you-can’t-do-that” category.

Amari Cooper was . . . well . . . Amari Cooper. Not much you can say aside from the fact that he’s a great player and thank the Lord that he’s on your team. The running backs had another fine game (around 333 yards rushing, averaging over 6 yards per carry). All good . . . but still . . .

The problem is that it’s difficult to know how good this team is since the level of competition thus far has been so low. But starting this Saturday, things will change and change pretty drastically. The Gators come to town after flirting with a disaster of Titanic proportions last Saturday against Kentucky (and truth is, they only have a gaff by the referees to thank for missing the iceberg). They may have been taking the Mildcats for granted (and who can blame them?), but they won’t make that mistake this week.

In any case, there is one thing that is crystal clear — we’ve finished the “exhibition” part of the 2014 schedule and now have to play some real teams — seven real teams in a row. From here on it gets serious.

From here on it gets fun.

3 down, 12 to go.

RTR.

SEC predictions, week #3

With a perfect week under our belts the old pickum record jumps to 23-2 for the year (ok, we realize that ain’t nothing to brag about – if y’all couldn’t pick all those games correctly, you have no business walking the streets by yourself). But at the same time, there ain’t no denying that we got “Big Mo” on our side. And we plan to keep him ratcheer as we glide forward into this week’s games. And, in contrast to last week, we have a couple of fairly interesting games on tap. Here’s what’s happening:

UCF at Missouri. The Golden Knights of Central Florida (otherwise known as “the guys who’ll steal your gold at night”) played a tough game against Penn State last week and just barely lost. Mizzou by contrast, has feasted on two lollypops to open its season. This means that this could be a surprisingly difficult game for the Tigers. But, it’s at home  . . and it’s SEC against the American Athletic Conference, so we’ll go with the black and gold. Mizzou goes to 3-0 for the season.

Massachusetts at Vanderbilt. Vandy is already looking forward to basketball season after being outscored 78-10 in its first two games. Their new goal for the season is to set a new standard for “bad” in the SEC and we’re among those who actually think they have a realistic shot at it! This week they take on the Minutemen from U Mass (you might think that the nickname comes from their historic location, Revolutionary War and all that – but in reality it signifies the length of time U Mass is able to stay close to their opponents in a game). If the Commydoors choke on this one, they’ll probably go into their October 11 game against Charleston-Southern 0-6 – and that would be embarrassing even for Vandy. But, for the second time this year, we’re going with Vandy. Crazy and irresponsible, yes – but at least they can’t say we’re easily intimidated by ineptness.

Arkansas at Texas Tech. The Hawgs are fresh off of giving Nicholls State a 73-7 lesson in scoring touchdowns and now have to travel to Lubbock to face the undefeated Red Raiders of T-Tech. Tech is not a good team, but whenever you have to travel, it’s difficult – and especially difficult for a young, inexperienced team. We believe the Razorpigs are better – and if they can keep from turning the ball over, they can win this game. Give em some hand glue Big Grace and win this one for the Pig Lady! Pigs go to 2-1 on the year.

Louisiana-Lafayette at Ole Miss. The Old Missusess are so hot they’ve ordered a complete set of potholders for every player. That’s hot, y’all. After whipping BS and Vandy, they’re all set to take on the team of crazy Cajuns from Lafayette. The Cajuns come to Oxford after having the gumbo beat out of them by LA Tech last week. And it won’t get any better this week. Oxford town is so excited the Uptown Ladies Quilting Club is debating painting their naked bodies red and blue (which is terrifying on so many levels it’s impossible to describe). Ole Miss wins again.

Mississippi State at South Alabama. The Bullies had a little more trouble than was expected last week against Ala-Birmingham – and this team is probably better than the Blazing Dragons (or whatever they’re called now) so this might be more than the Cowbell Dawgs are preparing for. They travel to Mobile to give the Jags their biggest home game in history – and it could be interesting. But no matter, the Bullies will win and the unreasonable expectations in Starkvegas will continue to rise until they get pounded back down to reality by LSU next week. But this week, they continue to clang their way down the highway to victoryville.

Louisiana-Monroe at LSU. The Undefeated Warhawks go to Tiger Town to take on their southern rival. ULM is 2-0 with victories over ACC powerhouse (yes, we know, oxymoron-time) Wake Forest and Sun Belt rival, Idaho (how Idaho got in the Sun Belt, we’ll never know). The Tigers gave SHS a 56-0 well-paid whipping last Saturday night and are quickly getting the kinks worked out. Who wins this battle between undefeated Pelican State rivals? Who takes home the “W” in this tension-filled, high-stakes shootout? C’mon, man, you know LSU wins.

Southern Miss at Alabama. After two barely above-average performances against the Couch Burners and Florida Atlantic Ocean, the Champs take on the Golden Eggles of Southern Miss (one of the worst teams in Division 1). Again, if this game doesn’t put you to sleep, all of us at Fan HQ will be ready to eat a big bowl of ten-penny nails. Hopefully, Jacob Coker will get more playing time and be able to get his timing down and Yeldon and Henry will gain about 2 miles and we’ll be able to argue about which fourth string tackle played better. Bama goes to 3-0 and looks forward to its first real game next week.

Kentucky at Florida. The Mildcats come into this game riding so high they need oxygen masks. That’s what beating up on the equivalent of two little girls will do for a basketball school. But this week, they have their first real game against the Gators in Gainesville. In other words, it’s back to learning again what it’s like to be Kentucky in the SEC. Gaytors win.

Tennessee at Oklahoma. The Rocky Toppers have been sailing along the first two weeks of the season, getting their confidence up by playing the Utah State School of Dance and the Arky State Ladies’ Finishing School. But it gets real this week as they travel to Norman to see the Sooners who have opened the season with dual bashings of LA Tech and Tulsa. Two teams, both untested, get tested this week – and only one of them pass. It’ll be the Okies. The Tangerines take their first loss of the season.

Rice at Texas A&M. The A&Mers are rolling as well, though only beating Lamar by 70 does raise some questions about their offensive prowess. If you can’t beat the guy who fixes flats by more than 70, what’s wrong widyou? This week they get to play against everybody’s favorite vegetable. And they will win again. The Farmers are hot and 3-0.

Georgia at South Carolina. After dismantling Clemson, the G-Dawgs got to rest last Saturday while the Game Chickens wrestled out a win against the EC Pirates. Let’s analyze this for a minute: Mark Richt’s boys have the better team. But the game is in Columbia. But Georgia has already played a tough game and prevailed while the Cocks failed in their only tough game. But that means that the Cocks have revenge on their minds – and desperation in their hearts. If they lose this one, they can wave bye-bye to any shot at the SEC championship. But the Dawgs are hongrey (as Lamar used to say) – they are ready to eat and get back to Hotlanta and win the SEC and go to the playoffs. We don’t usually waffle. And we’re too old to start now. G-Dawgs win and the Visor has to eat more crow.

Ok, y’all, now you’re all set for the weekend and all you had to do was sit back and let us do the work! You are one lucky hound dog! So pull out the grille and putchew some dead chickens on it and just see if you can find out what some good food tastes like! whoo-son! Cain’t wait! Ain’t nothin better than living in the SEC and getting to watch our boys beat theirs! We hope all y’all have a great time, and don’t forget to call your Mommer and tell her you love her.

RTR.

 

 

 

 

“Picked a bad day to quit sniffing glue”

Well, hey, we need to make up for lost time don’t we? Having missed a week of meltdowns, we can’t possibly miss this week – which for meltdown fans is like Christmas in September! Thank you Michigan and Ohio St. for those memorable performances (we could add Purdue, but that would just be mean). And thanks too to our one of our favorite whipping boys, the Shorthorns of Texas. This is really almost too good to be true.

Michigan had a day to forget in South Bend on Saturday. The Irish decided to end this series with a beat down of the ugly helmets that would make Sharknado look like an Oscar winner. And needless to say, the Wolverettes were not happy:

“Hoke hasn’t shown his teams can win on the road. His best road win is against a terrible NW team. Here’s to another 8-4 season. I’m officially hammered now.”

“I made a deal with my wife to put our 2 year olds to bed without me so I could watch this. Whatever I owe her can’t be this bad.”

“Blue, State, Buckeyes all currently being blown out. BIG = MAC of the 5 power conferences.”

“But next year we will win another blowout in the opener and all of you mouthbreathers will be predicting Heismans and a playoff spot”

“You think we can sell one of our timeouts to ND for 3 points?”

“wife: “Why are you still watching?”
I’m… not sure how to respond.”

“Can we restart the game? We forgot to turn injuries off”

“Back the brinks truck right up to one of the Harbaugh’s, I don’t care if it’s jack, hoke is over his head.”

“Anyone tracking the charter plane yet to Baton Rouge or SF?”

Ordinarily, the Buckeye fans would be crowing over Michigan’s embarrassment. Ordinarily. But even with one of the weakest schedules in the country, the Bucks still get shot down by VA Tech. Poor, poor Urban (sarcasm alert):

“We’ll start our own playoffs, for the inaugural “we were better than the SEC 100 years ago” Championship.”

“I’m eating hot pockets. Sad pepperoni pizza hot pockets, of course.”

“The kicker is gonna need witness protection to keep him safe this week.”

“Let’s go for a talk in the locker room. Maybe chew some wood and pee in the waterfall.”

“Someone told me we have offensive weapons. Anyone know where we can find them?”

“we just let damn Zach Efron clone of a QB beat us.”

“Your 2014 Big Ten Champion: Minnesota Golden Gophers”

“This kicker is gonna end up sleeping with Jimmy Hoffa later tonight.”

“That blows buffalo bagels.”

“Interior of our line is made of wet toilet paper”

“Va Tech has got to be tired from all of the blitzing.”

“Really, if I’m a parent watching this s**t, I’m telling my kid – ‘you need to consider other options'”

“56 days until the wrestling season starts…”

“Silver lining… OSU plays in the Big Ten.”

Ah, but nobody – and we mean nobody – meltsdown like Texas fans. Amiright? And losing to BYU only makes it better:

“All white dudes on this team. We can win”

“How does an athletic department this bad get its own network?”

“Thank Joseph Smith there was holding”

“Maybe Strong wasn’t the right hire….”

“Is Aggy playing? I was hoping to watch an American football game this evening.”

“The only question that remains is, did they have they leave their magic underwear on or did they have to take them off first?”

“So I guess this means we are officially out of the playoff this year”

“Picked a bad day to quit sniffing glue”

“We just pulled up to a red light, rolled down the window and puked everywhere.”

“Where is a lightning storm when you need one?”

“Did any of ya’ll notice that our band was playing “Dream On” by Aerosmith?
Those faggots”

“I want to go buy some holy underwear then join a fight club”

“we are being realistic there isn’t a win left on our schedule”

“I’m gonna take 6 craps tomorrow after all this frustration binge eating.”

“What is the over/under on how many kids the whole team has? Just the players?
I’d say 35. And 35 of them are legitimate children”

“unacceptable. Ever, for any Texas team. We just got clowned on in our own place by a mid major.”

“I’m a raised southern Baptist who goes to church every Sunday and who loves jesus but I need a drink”

“Damn, this board has turned into Texags circa 2004, with cussing.”

“How long until there is a “Hold the rope” thread?”

“Texas may have lost…but at least I’ll wake up in the morning, drink a nice cup of coffee, and be thankful I’m not a brain washed cult follower.”

Alabama 41, Florida Atlantic 0

When you play teams that are bad football teams ™, you should beat them like the boy who stole something. You schedule teams like this so that you can play a lot of players, work on some issues, and focus upon whatever shortcomings you’ve had up to this point. And you pay them a small fortune to be your scrimmage partner. The last thing you want in a game like this, is a good game. You want these games to be the sporting equivalent of Indiana Jones vs. that guy with the knives. Thankfully, that’s exactly what happened on Saturday.

It was one of those “it was not as close as the score indicated” games. And it could have been a lot worse (there was still 7:54 left in the fourth when God stopped it). For Alabama fans it was a very boring afternoon, which as I mentioned above, was exactly as it should have been.

Both quarterbacks got to play. This week, after taking the team to three straight touchdown downs, Blake Sims was replaced by Jacob Coker, allowing Jake to get some game action for the first time all year (we’re not counting last week’s two handoffs as game action). Both did about like you would expect. Sims continues to impress when he throws the ball sideways. Coker showed greater arm strength, though not the accuracy we’re looking for yet, on passes downfield. Both had fairly good days (gaining a combined 416 yards passing) but neither is at the level we’re going to need as we go forward.

It was “let’s work on the passing game” day so the running backs took a back seat to Amari Cooper and the receivers. Amari had a record day, catching 13 for 189 yards (including a 52-yard touchdown) to tie the school record for number of receptions for a game. The other receivers did well too (there you are, ArDarius Stewart!), but on Saturday the offensive game plan seemed to be, let’s throw the ball to Amari and see what happens. And that worked just fine.

Defensively, the Tide only gave up 145 yards for the game, but it seemed like more. The defensive line continues to appear a tad soft – which is more than a tad disconcerting since we haven’t exactly been playing what we’d call “stiff” competition. FAU was able to pick up 57 yards rushing (after taking out the sack yardage) but honestly, it seemed like more.

Likewise, the defensive backfield seemed to play a bit better as well (welcome back Eddie Jackson!) but they still have a long way to go before there comes that time when everyone says, “well, that defense has really jelled.” Jelling-time ain’t happened yet.

But, let us remind ourselves that it’s only game #2 of the season and relax a bit. The Tide still has one more exhibition game before the real season begins on the 20th (against the Alley Gators) so there’s still some time left to work out the kinks and we’ll be thankful for that and rejoice that we are not Vandy fans.

[of course EVERYONE rejoices that they are not Vandy fans, so let's rejoice that we are not B1G ten fans – now that's something to be thankful for, yes?]

2 Down, 13 to go.

RTR

 

SEC predictions, week 2

Well, it was a start – not a great start, especially if you are a fan of the overrated Gamechickens. Our usual excellent, sharp-as-a-tack discernment wasn’t on display last week (did we really pick Vandy?) but that’s what we get for thinking that Coach Visor’s big mouth indicated a legitimate reason for confidence – when all it meant that he was writing checks with his mouh that he couldn’t cash (as usual). Anyway, 9-2 isn’t terrible. Like Coach Saban said, it shows where we need to improve and get better. They say the team makes its greatest improvement between Game 1 and Game 2. And there’s no reason we won’t do just that – after all, we are who we are.

So welcome to “Cupcake Week” in the SEC. It happens every year, but there are more chocolate eclaires and tea cakes in this week’s schedule than you could find in all those sissy desert stores in Seattle. If you have any diabetic tendencies, this week’s schedule could be hazardous to your health. It’s so bad, we’ll just run quickly through the games with minimal comment – trying not to call too much attention to ourselves.

Florida Atlantic at Alabama: The Breakfast in Bed Special is Bama taking on the Who-Birds from Florida-Atlantic Ocean. The Tide didn’t have nearly as much fun as they planned last week in Atlanta and usually, they don’t play well against teams they overmatch. This game ought to be boring (or make that BORING!). If it isn’t, the Tide will hearing a lot of loud, discourteous language that is unsuitable for young children and the blue-haired ladies. Bama wins and goes to two and oh.

Missouri at Toledo: Mizzou is about to be in serious danger of becoming hypoglycemic after playing South Dakota State last week and following that cream puff with a bundt cake this week. But if you want to start your season undefeated . . . Mizzou knows how. We’ll go with the M-tigs.

Arkansas State at Tennessee: The Tangerines were trying to send us a message last week weren’t they? And things’ll get even easier this week as they welcome the Red Wolves of Arky State. Wolves usually put up a good fight but these are Sun Belt wolves and they’re much kinder and gentler than the ones you find in cold country. Tangerines win.

UAB at Mississippi State: The Dog team takes on the school whose initials mean “UnAble to Beat anybody.” So guess who’s gonna win this one? And you’re right! The cowbells are ringin’ for me and my dawg.

Ohio at Kentucky: Even the Mildcats were able to find something sweet to eat! This week, the MAC-dwelling Bobcats of Ohio play the role of the after-dinner mints. You have to admire the diligence of Kats here. After their rough tilt against the Dean Martin School of Stand Up Comics, they needed someone they could push around and beat up. And they found him right across the border.

Eastern Michigan at Florida: God refused to allow the Swamp Things to open their season last week against the hapless Vandals of Ideeho, showing that He still cares for the weak. So this week the Alley Gators open their season taking on the Eagles of Eastern Michigan in Gator Alley (see what we did there?). And they win. In boring fashion. But you knew that.

Nicholls State at Arkansas: What??? The Hawgs take on Southland Conference “powder-puff” house, Nicholls State – who, contrary to their name ain’t worth a nick. . . . . ok, nevermind. At least Arkansas can say they needed time to recoup after their game again Awbarn. And recoup they do. With a win. Against the Colonels. And they still get no respect.

East Carolina at South Carolina: ZZZZZZZZ. Oh, sorry. Dozed off for a moment there. Anyway. After last week, we’re sure that Coach Superior would rather be playing the Agnes Scott School for Young Ladies – but he’s got to play a fairly legitimate team. The Pirates (of East Carolina not Pittsburgh) went a surprising 10-3 last season and opened up this year with a big “W” last week, absolutely mugging the North Carolina Central Eagles by 46 points. So they are on a roll. But the roll stops this Saturday. Gamechickens win and Spurrier starts acting like his team deserves to be treated with respect. Again. Yawn.

San Jose State at Auburn: The Wargles take on the Spartans. Mythical and magical? Well, maybe not. The Spartans are coming off a thrilling win against North Dakota (ok, c’mon, I couldn’t think of an adjective that describes what you feel when you beat North Dakota). But now, they have to come to southeastern Alabama. In early September. And they have not felt the heat and humidity (H&H)  of central Alabama. In early September. Ever. So they will be thankful when this one is over and they can return to cool and humidity-less San Jose. The Barn celebrates another meaningless victory.

Sam Houston State at LSU: The Bayou Boys welcome the Bearkats into Red Stick for their second game of the year of living dangerously. And please notice: Sam H State spells “BearKats” with a “K” (which we assume is a lot kooler than spelling it the normal way – at least that’s what all the kool guys at Sam Houston State think). Unfortunately, weird spellings will be of no help this Saturday. Les’ boys take another win.

Lamar at Texas A&M: The Aggies celebrate their HUGE road victory over USC (east) with a snoozer of a home opener against Lamar. Honestly. If you can’t find an opponent that doesn’t sound like the gas station attendant down on Elm Street . . . . ok, we promised Mommer we’d be nice this week. It’s called self-discipline folks (it’s also called, that what Johnny “Fingers” Manziel doesn’t have). Anyway, the A&Mers should have no trouble with Lamar. Heck, they prolly could beat both him and his friend, Earnest T. at the same time.

Ole Miss at Vanderbilt: Now, if we were to tell you that the Biggest SEC Game of The Day ™ would be Ole Miss at Vandy, what would you have thought? Yep. Us too. But here it is. The Ole Missuses are in the spotlight. On the Road. At Opry-land. Hot Dawg y’all! . . . . . Yawn. Tell you what: y’all watch it and tell us how it turns out. We got an old episode of Mr. Rogers calling us and we been waiting for a night with NOTHING to do to watch it. And here it is. We think the Old Misses will win, but don’t bother letting us know until after church on Sunday.

Hey, you can’t have edge-of-the-cliff-type excitement ever week can you? You’d die of a bad case of the nervous vapors just as sure as the world. You need weeks like this to sit back and realize what blessings you have – without all the distractions of barn-burning, volcano-exploding, hanging-by-your-fangernails tension that we usually have interfering. Sit back, catch up on your nap time, and dream sweet dreams of crystal balls and SEC champions being crowned champs and all the fun we get to enjoy ever week in SEC-land.

Nice ain’t it?

Yes. It. Is.

RTR.