Well, thank you to the Bullies for making everybody at Fan HQ look like we were living in Colorado taking advantage of the local liberties last week. And thanks also to the Mizzou Tigretes for causing embarrassment to the entire conference by losing to the Indiana Hoosiers (it really took an unimaginable effort to make Indiana look like a real football team – way to go guys). Because of our misplaced confidence in the Lesters and the Lady Tigers, we had a pedestrian 6-2 record last week. This brought the season record to 39-5 – yes, we’re sharing in the embarrassment. But as good ole Jungle Bob used to say, “If at first you don’t succeed, keep on sucking till you do succeed!” And we take that to heart. So, we’re about to get serious. Hang on now. Here are the games for this week:
Vanderbilt at Kentucky: Hahahahahahahahahahaha. Ok, we’ll get serious in a moment. The schedule-makers are playing a trick on us aren’t they? Are they really going to play this game? Ok, fine. Next question: Does anybody care who wins this game? Answer: No. But, it’s our job to let you know who is going to win every SEC game and we’re nothing if we’re not faithful to the task assigned to us, so unfortunately that means we have to predict winners for games like this: the Anchor Downers vs. the Blue Grass Miracles. We take the Big Blue to win in a couple of overtimes. Or maybe, just win right out. But, you know what? Deciding whether you have French Toast or waffles for breakfast is more important than this game.
Louisiana Tech at Auburn: Well now, here’s an interesting game, if you happen to think blowouts are interesting. We don’t. The Techsters roll into the Plains fresh off a loss to Northwestern State (yes, the NSU demons of the Southland Conference, who have losses to Missouri State and Baylor 70-6). The Wargles could play with one arm and still win this game by four touchdowns. Wake me when it’s over.
Tennessee at Georgia: This may be one of the better games of the day. The Tangerines are seeking to climb back into Little Orange status and they’ll get it if they can beat Mark Richt’s boys in Athens. The G-Dawgs took last week off so they should be all set and raring to go. Did we say this one’s in Athens? Yes? Ok, that means the Dawgs will take home the W – and the Tangerines continue to be the Tangerines for another week.
Arkansas at Texas A&M: Here’s the marquee game of the day (since the Tide ain’t playing, you have to take what you can get). It certainly seems to be the most evenly matched game. The Pigs (whoooooooooo-souie!) go down to Texas for a shootout that they hope don’t turn into a barbeque. So what’ll it be? The Pigs biggest win so far was over T-Tech (who’s “biggest” win was over [cough] UTEP). If that’s the best you got guys, it ain’t good enough for us. We’re going with the Texas Agricultural and Mechanical team.
Memphis at Ole Miss: The Ole Misses got the week off last week and so they got to see how you do it watching the Bullies in prime time. The Old Ladies from Oxford ain’t played anybody all year. And after this Saturday, they still won’t have played anybody (that’ll wait till next week). The Old Misses win and get ready to welcome the Tide to Undfeated Land next week.
Missouri at South Carolina: Mizzou takes the “most embarrassing loss” award for their defeat at the hands of the Indiana (B1G Ten) Hoosiers last Saturday. Another loss like that and we’re putting out petitions to demand their ouster from the conference. This week they will bounce back by getting a much more respectable loss. The Game Chickens win.
New Mexico State at LSU: Another home game for LSU and if you want tickets, go and get em – there are plenty available. After being taken to the whipping shack last week, the Tigurs are looking to make someone pay. And they’re willing to pay handsomely for the opportunity. So welcome to Red Stick Aggies! Enjoy your check, getchoo some good Cajun cooking and maybe y’all can go down to New Orleans and get a beignet at Cafe’ du Mon. Whatever. But you need to do something to make the trip memorable because the game is going to be forgettable.
Ok, boys, we know it’s thrilling to have the opportunity to peer into the near future through our eyes – and it’s our pleasure to give you that opportunity! Y’all have fun and thank the Lord you ain’t Florida fans or Will Muschamp.