Well, we tried going bold again and went 5-1 (making the huge mistake of thinking that the Swamp Things could actually play some tackle football). The Muschumps made us miss the elusive perfect record, forcing us to go 5-1 for the week (and bringing our season record to 54-9). So bold didn’t quite work out – unless you happen to prefer the “slightly less attractive” Rob Lowe. But this is a new week. We start afresh. We are like new and we’re continuing our unwearied search for Captain Perfecto (and we got a feeling he’s ours this week). Six games. And if you want to see what’s going to happen, keep reading:
UAB at Arkansas: Well, the Pigs have had a rough couple of weeks – refusing to accept Alabama’s offer to give them a win and then getting blown out by Georgia. So they need a victory in the worst sort of way and there’s nobody better at giving the other team a needed victory than the Blazers of UAB (we’ve ranked UAB’s nickname as the #3 most sarcastic nickname in the country – every time you refer to UAB as “the Blazers” it sounds like you’re making fun of them. Sorta like calling Charlie Weiss, “Tiny”). UAB’s mascot is a dragon. Don’t ask us. Anyway, this will be a happy Hawg Saturday – it might even make the Pig Lady sing again.
Mississippi State at Kentucky: The Cowbell Gang is riding high, undefeated and ranked NUMERO UNO from California to the Gulf Stream waters. And there’s no worry about the balloon bursting this Saturday. The Mildcats are living up to their reputation of being the cute, harmless kittens that we know and love. So the Bullies will have to hold back to keep from turning the K-Kats into Cat Chow this Saturday. And that means that everybody in StarkVegas will continue to get on SportsCenter so that the country can learn the history and tradition of ringing those annoying bells.
Vanderbilt at Missouri: We come to the most boring game of the week with the Commydoors traveling to Columbia to take on the M-Tigs. The Doors are coming off a scintillating one point victory over the mighty Charleston Southern Buccaneers last Saturday (and we’re not joking, look it up). They are so bad that even the Navy has requested that they stop talking about anchors. This game might be close if Mizzou’s players were forced to hop on one leg and play with one arm tied behind them. Unfortunately for Vandy, they’ll get to play with all their appendages free and that spells disaster for the Doors. Mizzou wins and keeps alive its hopes for winning the SEC LEast.
South Carolina at Auburn: Now here we go Coach S. You want to play in the Big Games ™. You love tough competition. You love the excitement of playing a top 10 school. You welcome the challenge. Ok, hereyago. Let’s see how this one works for you. No, on second thought, we won’t see, cause we won’t watch – and we won’t watch because we already know what’s going to happen to you. This ain’t Furman. So, you lose.
Ole Miss at LSU: If it’s almost All Hallows Eve, then it’s time for Old Miss and LSU to tangle – and this year they get to tangle in Red Stick where they’ll play Billy Canon’s punt return all night long. The Lester is confident. The fans are growing in confidence. The players are bragging. But it won’t be enough. These are not last year’s Old Missuses – they actually know how to tackle and cover wide receivers and rush the passer. The question is, can LSU score? We think they can. The problem is we don’t think they can score as much as they will need to in order to win this game. The amazing Rebel Black Bears continue to live in Undefeated City for one more week.
Alabama at Tennessee: Now for the really Big Game of the day. The Tide travels to K-ville to take on the Little Candy Orange Slices (we are rapidly approaching the bottom of Orange nicknames – yes, we’ve demoted UT one more level down. It’s pretty sad. They have gone from the BIG Orange to the Little Oranges, to the Tangerines, to the Clementines, and now to the Candy Orange Slices. There is only one level left for Orange before the Orange food coloring level – the incredibly humiliating Orange Candy Peanut level. Anyway, we think the Little Candy Orange Slices will play tough, for the first half. Begin to wear down in the second half and fall flat at the end. If the Tide can play anywhere near the way they played last week, they should win. We believe they will. Bama wins and keeps the dream alive.
Hard to believe that we’ve already passed the half-way point in this season ain’t it? But, that only means that we have to buckle down and wring all the goody we can get out of the last half. So getchoo some good pieces of dead meat and cook it up fine and eat it with thanksgiving that you don’t have to root for that team that wears those gaudy gold helmets with the sissy shoes. That would be sho-nuf misery. Y’all enjoy and we hope your team wins (unless it’s nicknamed the Little Candy Orange Slices).