You knew it had to happen. You knew that one day, the Fan would run into a hurricane of unexpected disasters, once-in-a-lifetime epic catastrophes and end up something like 1 and 5 for the week. Yeah, you knew that could happen. But who thought it would happen last week? We can understand Mizzou doing what they did to Florida, we could feel that coming and just didn’t trust our feelings. Same with the Ole Missuses tripping up the Tigurs – we cautioned you about this but we refused to take the vibe seriously. And of course, you knew that if something happened to Johnny SuperManziel, the A&Mers would be in trouble. And similarly, you had a feeling that the off-week just might be a boon to the Little Oranges as they prepared for USC. We can understand those. We can see it, we get it – but how, HOW, *H*O*W in the name of all that is just and right could Vandy (yes, Vandy!) come up with a a way to beat Georgia? We sat baffled and befuddled as we witnessed one of the most amazing Saturdays the SEC has seen in a long time. And we thanked God for the Champs as they refused to give in to this terrible wrinkle in time and pounded the Hawgs into pork hash, like they should have. But, when it was over, the Fan now owns an embarrasingly pedestrian 58-13 record on the year and is suitably humiliated. . . . . . BUT undaunted! You know what you’re supposed to do when you get thrown by a horse, right? Yeah, you getchoo a nice car and forget about trying to ride a stupid animal! Get on down the road! And that’s what we are doin’ this week! And the weekend starts tonight in Starkvegas:
Kentucky at Mississippi St.: I don’t know what moved whoever it was who asked that this game be moved to a Thursday night so that it could be featured on National TV in living color, but he must have spent his formative years watching Lawrence Welk instead of football. We wouldn’t watch this game if both teams were undefeated (if both teams were undefeated we’d be in the hospital recovering from shock). We just looked on StubHub to see how much tickets are selling for – and you can get some pretty nice sideline seats for $2.90 apiece. But the only way I’d be willing to pay $2.90 for tickets to this game is if they agreed to throw in a side of ribs (served to me) at halftime and a limo ride to and from my place of residence. Ok, so who wins the first annual “Nobody Cares Bowl”? It’s going to be the Bullies. Just because they’re playing at home and the Mildcats hate traveling and get homesick when they have to spend the night in a strange place and . . . ok, forget it – it’ll be a win for the Cowbell gang and we still don’t care.
Vanderbilt at Texas A&M: Now, here’s an opportunity for James Franklin to make us take him seriously again. Win this one, Jimmy, and we’ll sing the Doors’ Alma Mater in our underwear outside the Grand Ole Opry. But you know what? if Johnny M is still sidelined, Vandy could do exactly what the Boys from the Barn did last Saturday. At this point, A&M’s defense is so bad, they can’t stop a kitchen sink drain. It’s frightening to watch. But in spite of the whiff of disaster we’re smelling in the air, we’re going with the Agricultural & Magicians School believing in spite of all that they have enough to beat Vandy.
Furman at LSU: We’re certain Furman was pleased to watch LSU get embarrassed on national television last Saturday night in Oxford. Just the thought of having to play the Tigurs when they’ve been dissed and ridiculed all week is a thrill that only a few get the privilege of experiencing – and one tne the Paladins won’t soon forget. But maybe they will somehow get a collective case of amnesia and not remember a thing about this game. Sort of like what would happen to you if you got caught in a rock slide while watching a sunset, or something. Just know guys, y’all are in our prayers. We have sympathy for those poor souls who are willing to get bludgeoned for pay.
Florida Atlantic at Auburn: Ok, we’re all taking a ride on the Gus Bus now ain’t we? Wow, boys, y’all make us want to sell our houses and buy some cows and chickens! And this week ain’t going to dampen the enthusiasm down on the farm. All you got to do is whip up on some Owls from Florida. Owls are not all that intimidating under the best of circumstances (like when they’re from the Pacific Northwest, the legitimate home of real, honest-to-goodness owls) – but owls from Florida just don’t sound right. They’re like, owls on vacation or something. No matter, they won’t be a match for the Wargles as they go for their 7th win of the season.
Idaho at Ole Miss: Finally, the Ole Ladies pulled out a bigun against an old rival – took us back to the days of Johnny Vaught and Archie. In light of that, this game on Saturday could be a trap game, if Ole Miss was playing a real football team. Unfortunately, the Vandals only impersonate football teams – extremely bad football teams. Teams that get blown out by teams like Arkansas State. So, what we’re saying here is that the Oxford Quilting Club could probably take the Vandals into overtime – and believe us, it’s been a loong time since those ole gals have played any football. The Rebel Black Bears win.
Tennessee at Alabama: We know you’ve already been celebrating “Take Orange Out of the Rainbow” week – but this Saturday is the time when we get to do it. Needless to say, the Oranges are excited, pumped, fired up, and really and truly think they have a shot at taking down the Champs in B-D. And, they’ve certainly played well enough in their last two games to feel good about themselves. Too bad that good feelings can’t win you a football game. The Champs continue their march into history by squeezing the Oranges in T-town.
South Carolina at Missouri: Now we come to “The Big Game of the Day” in the SEC. Shocking, we know, but if Mizzou can win this game, there’s nothing that can keep them from getting to Atlanta except flat tires on the team bus. They will have a 3 game lead in the East with wins over Georgia, Florida, AND the Game Roosters. By contrast, USC (SE) is hurting and if they don’t get Connor Shaw back, they will be in big trouble. The boys from the Show Me State are showing the rest of the East why they got invited into the league. And we think they will continue their magical season this Saturday. M-Tigers win number 8 on the year.
Ok, boys and girls, there you have it. Don’t worry about last week. It was nothing more than a time of re-calibration, re-calculation, and re-invigoration for us. We’re feeling like a turkey at hog-killing time. We got a little shaken up but nothing was injured seriously and we’re ready to prove it this week. Enjoy the weekend and may your team be a winnah – unless your team wears those hideous ORANGE jerseys and pants (the refs ought to throw a flag for unsightly dress just for coming out on the field dressed like that!). We’ll have weenies and burgers at the tailgate this Saturday so y’all should come on down and join us!