SEC predictions, week 14

Aw-ight y’all, here we are, down to the last weekend of Tackle Football SEC-style. And it couldn’t be bigger. Both division champs are still undecided, and every team has a big game to play. It just don’t get more fun than this y’all. The Fan figured to have another perfect week but didn’t figure on Coach Muschump doing a full belly-flop against Georgia Southern. Wow. But you know, it really couldn’t happen to a better team could it? Do y’all remember how obnoxious the Gator fans were back in the 90s and early 2000s? Ugh. Try as we might, we can’t get upset about going 7-8 because we missed that game. The season record stands at 88-16, so we still looking pretty snazzy, and we’re ready to finish out with a bang that’ll make the fireworks at Disney World look like one of those fizzling, whizzing, black things that never work like they’re supposed to when you light them on your sidewalk. Here we go with week 14 and we start with a Turkey Day clash in Starkvegas:

Ole Miss at Mississippi St.: Now where else would you rather be on Thanksgiving than in Cowbell City? Ok, nevermind. But the Ole Missusses don’t have any choice. They’ve got to take on the red-hot Bullies who are their third well-played game in a row. By contrast, the Rebel Black Bears are trying to recover from their loss to Mizzou last Saturday. The Cowbell gang really wants this game. Well, no. Let’s put it this way, Dan Mullen really wants this game whether anybody else cares or not. A win here and Danny may continue to get a paycheck for another year. But a loss, puts his future employment in serious jeopardy. Place a want ad, Dan, cause Ole Miss is going to win this one.

Arkansas at LSU: Back on September 14, Mrs. Bret Bielema was basking in the Hawgs’ third win in a row (against winless Southern Miss) and gloating over her hubby’s former team losing to Arizona State. She twitted, “Karma.” Since then Mrs. Bielema has begun to understand what it means when the Bible says, “God resists the proud.” Wisconsin is presently 9-2 and headed to a nice post-season bowl game. Arkansas, on the other hand, has lost 8 in a row since Mrs. Bielema’s tweet. And this week, they will lose their 9th in a row. The lesson could be to take Mrs. Bielema’s smart phone away from her. But we think the better lesson is that hubby Bret needs to recruit some players that can play SEC-level football. And if the Bielemas want to know what I mean, just stay awake through the first half of this game. LSU romps and stomps.

Florida St. at Florida: The Muschump is about to become an endangered species in and around central Florida. That’s what losses to Vandy and Georgia Southern can do to you. One might hope that he would pull his fanny out of the hot grease by gaining an upset victory over the Semi-noles. And if you are one who might think that, we suggest professional counseling and a few sessions of reality therapy. This Florida team has disintegrated so badly, not even super glue can hold them together. The Semi-noles move to one victory away from Pasadena.

Wake Forest at Vanderbilt: Wake Forest is like that girl in the old silent movies who’s tied to a conveyer belt and headed, head-first, into a huge power saw. They’ve lost their last four in a row and now have to go to OpreyLand to face the Commydoors who are riding a three-game winning streak and are hotter than an iron skillet in a bonfire. Vandy is looking forward to another bowl experience and we don’t think the Demon-Possessed Deacons will be able to slow them down. Vandy wins strong!

Georgia Tech at Georgia: This is not the Dawgs’ year. Even when they win, they lose. At least we tried to warn them. But they refused to follow The Fan’s “Rules for Playing Teams You Should Beat with One Hand Tied Behind Your Back” last Saturday and consequently, lost Aaron Murray to a season-ending knee injury. Lesson learned Coach Richt? We hope so. Now the question is, can the G-Dawgs’ running game and defense play strong enough to keep the Yellow Jackets in check and finish out the season with a victory? And if you ask us that question, we would say, “yes, yes they are.” Georgia gets to put a little salve on that open wound that is the 2013 season by beating their Hotlanta rivals.

Clemson at South Carolina: Clemson comes into this game with a glimmering 10-1 record (only loss to Fla St.) and a lot of credibility. But the fact remains, this is an ACC team and that means OVERRATED. We love Dabo Sweeney, but in spite of The Dabo, the Tigers are an ACC team. USC (southeast) comes into this game riding a three and one-half game winning streak (we’ll give full credit for the wins over Mizzou, Miss St., and Florida, but when you play a team that chooses an operatic bird for their mascot, you only get half-credit) and we think they are ready to do an SEC-thing to the C-Tigs on Saturday at the Williams-Brice Fairgrounds. It should be a good one, but the Game Chickens take this game.

Tennessee at Kentucky: Here’s this week’s “Game Nobody Wants to Watch.” Tennessee comes into this game having loss four games in a row (and 7 out of their last 9). The only record worse than that is the Mildcats’ (who have lost 3 in a row, and 8 out of their 9, ouch). Truth is, neither team deserves to win this game and it should end in a 0-0 tie. But since we committed to you to pick every SEC game, we’re gonna pick this one too. And we’ll go with the Orange-peels. We do that only because it will give the Vol fans another reason to be optimistic about next season and we love to see Vols’ fans realizing that their overly optimistic hopes are going to fail . . . again. And, anyway, K-Kats’ fans always have basketball.

Alabama at Auburn: But now we come to The Big Game ™ of the day as the Champs travel to the Barn for their annual shoot-out against the Wargles. And it’s gonna be a good-un too. Awbarn has led a charmed life all season and they are convinced that they can take down the Tide. And they certainly might. Everything has aligned for them so far and having this game at home, with a crazy-loud crowd behind them, could be just the formula for the upset that the nation has been hoping and praying for since 2010. It’s Bama contra mundum. And over the last three years (including this season) that’s worked out just fine for the Tide. We like it tough. Tide wins and makes reservations for Atlanta next Saturday.

Well, there you go boys and girls. Another SEC season in the bag. Here’s hoping the Big Boys can retain their hammer lock on that crystal football for another year and that the SEC/Bama fatigue won’t bring about a “turrible” travesty (allowing another conference to take home the glass ball). But, we’ll think about all that next Monday cause we’ve got lots more important stuff to do first, like being thankful and eating some dead turkey with some cornbread dressing and cranberries with some sweet tators and corn and bacon-wrapped green beans, oooh honey, stop drooling! We got lots to be thankful though, don’t we? So be sure to set aside some time to do that while you eat and enjoy some of the finest football in the world.

Happy Thanksgiving to all y’all!

RTR.

3 responses to “SEC predictions, week 14

  1. Sir, your grammar is impeccable. Indeed “all y’all” is the plural of “y’all”.

  2. Happy Thanksgiving to you, too, good sir! One thing I’m thankful for are the gems of phrases here. You should write & publish a humor book on SEC football – past, present & future – from your perspective as an unashamedly biased Bama fan. My favorite gems from this post:

    “…we’re ready to finish out with a bang that’ll make the fireworks at Disney World look like one of those fizzling, whizzing, black things that never work like they’re supposed to when you light them on your sidewalk.”

    “And if you are one who might think that, we suggest professional counseling and a few sessions of reality therapy.”

    “USC (southeast) comes into this game riding a three and one-half game winning streak (we’ll give full credit for the wins over Mizzou, Miss St., and Florida, but when you play a team that chooses an operatic bird for their mascot, you only get half-credit)….”

    “…the formula for the upset that the nation has been hoping and praying for since 2010.”

  3. You didn’t post your pick for Texas A&M at Missouri.

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