Championship Game Recap

Ok, congratulations to the G-Dawgs for winning their first Natty since 1980. They were certainly the most consistent team throughout the season and fully deserve to win this game.

But this was a painful game to watch. There were a couple of major reasons the Tide didn’t pull it out:

  1. Too many missed opportunities. Four drives ended with field goals – often after dropped passes that were catchable and would have kept the drive alive or scored a TD. That was the killer. To win a championship you MUST make plays when plays need to be made. The inexperienced receivers didn’t do it. Dropped passes spelled “Doom” for the Tide. By contrast, Georgia made the plays they needed to make.
  2. Injuries finally cost the Tide severely. Injuries are part of the game and thus, not excuses for losses – but they are key factors in losses nevertheless. Injuries to every player group (except quarterback) hampered the Champs all year, but the cumulative effect was finally felt after Jamison Williams went down. Losing offensive and defensive linemen, running backs and the defensive backfield were bad enough, but losing the only real game-breaker in the middle of the second quarter of the game, was a death-blow from which the Tide couldn’t recover.

But for this to be meaningful, the other team has to take advantage of the weaknesses – and Georgia did. The revenge factor (as we feared) was huge in this game. Every player mentioned being “embarrassed” after the SEC Championship game. It was a clear motivational edge that pushed the Dawgs over the past 37 days. But in the end, they won because they played a better game and were able to make winning plays when the time came.

So, well and good. This was a very young (inexperienced), injury-riddled Tide team and yet, in spite of all, still had a chance to win this game in the fourth quarter. Will Anderson and Bryce are magnificent and can (and probably will) become much more confident leaders next year. Everybody’s celebrating the fact that we lost this year. Go for it, y’all. Take advantage of this opportunity.

Because, chances are, we’ll be back again next year.

So please, enjoy it while you can.

CFP Championship Game Prediction

Ok, here we go with the Big Enchilada – the CFP Championship that everyone is complaining about because it is a replay of the SEC Championship. In relation to which we wonder, “Do you not want to have the two best teams play for the title?” If yes, then it is time to be quiet and enjoy the game. If no, then you are a fraud and none of us want to hear anything more from you. (Looking at you, Tim Brando)

But of course the big question is, “what is going to happen tonight?”

Glad you asked.

Here’s what going to happen. Alabama is going to win its second Natty in a row.

Here’s why.

All year long, as all our readers know, we’ve had serious doubts about this Alabama team. The defense was leaky and mistake prone; the offense was inconsistent; the offensive line was . . . well, offensive. But something happened in the last game of the regular season against the Barners in Cowtown – and it happened at the Alabama 3 yard line, when it was third and ten, with precisely 1:18 left in the game and the Champs behind 10-3. 

Here’s what happened: Bryce Young walked up to the line of scrimmage . . . and smiled. And then he completed a 22 yard pass to Slade Bolton for a first down at the 25-yard line. Still 75 yards away from tying the game. Still with only a little over one minute to go that 75 yards – but at least we weren’t at the 3.

And a switch was flipped. The light came on. The Tide went on to tie and to win the game in the fourth overtime. And just like that, this team had a vision and embraced the mission.

The next week, they beat the G-Dawgs like they stole something. Four weeks later, they stuffed the P5 “BearCats” – not necessarily impressively, but effectively. The game was never in doubt. And now, they have to have a “re-do” with the Bullies.

All the psychological advantages are on the Georgia side of the see-saw. They were embarrassed in the SEC Championship and have been waiting (impatiently) for a second chance at the Tide. They have been ridiculed for being dominated at the line of scrimmage. They have been mocked over how their “best defense in the nation” gave up 41 points. And they ain’t happy.

It’s notoriously difficult to beat a team twice in the same season – and double that when you are facing them twice within a month.

So the cards are stacked against the Tide. No doubt about it. And, obviously, this will be a tough game no matter what.

But.

Bryce Young smiled when it was third and ten at his own 3 yard line.

Alabama wins its seventh National Championship under Coach Saban.

Get ready to celebrate.

RTR!

SEC Predictions: College Football Playoff Semi-finals

Well, we guess this is what it feels like to “underachieve.” Thanks to Mizzou, Florida, Awbarn, and Messissippi State, the SEC has looked like a band of pathetic, Vanderbilt-imitating, powder-puff flag football teams. Wow. Thanks for your disgraceful, pathetic effort guys. Very inspiring. Our only hope is that all the rest of the SEC opponents will be overconfident and get caught off guard. Maybe the rest of the teams will move from being abjectly dysfunctional to the merely mediocre and squeak out a victory somewhere along the way.

But, anyway, now we get down to bidness – the semi-finals of the College Football Playoffs. And this is a good place for a reminder: Even though we make it look easy, picking winners ain’t easy. Even in the best of times. But, nowadays, it’s even harder than usual. But y’all know what? We like it tough. This is right in our groove spot. And we accept the challenge unflinching. We hope this is inspiring to all y’all young, inexperienced folks who have dreams of growing up to be professional college football game pickers. We’re thankful to be of service. So, sit back and watch us work.

Friday, December 31

THE COTTON BOWL, Alabama vs. Cincinnati: So the Champs embark on another voyage to National Championship Land taking on the UN-DEE-FEETED Cincinnati “Bearcats” (and what exactly is the deal with that? Are y’all Bears or a Cats? Make a choice for goodness sake. We already do not like this team). Anyway, this will probly be a much more difficult game than the “experts” think – and for obvious reasons. Nobody thinks Cincinnati is that good. Even though they’re UN-DEE-FEETED, their best win came against Notre Lame. Their schedule has been soft. BUT, this is a legitimate team with some pretty good players (did you think of former Alabama running back, Jerome Ford? Yes you did). And everybody expects the Champs to win and win pretty easily. So, it’s the classic set up. And once again the Tide is going to need to play a solid 60 minutes to win. No mistakes. No breakdowns in the secondary. No offensive line mishaps. Be able to run the ball and stop the run on defense. All that (and more) will be necessary to win this game. And we think the Champs will be able to do it. So, in spite of their trying to combine bears and cats (likely not only unethical but probly illegal effort), the Cincinnati team will close out their season with a loss. But it was fun while it lasted.

THE ORANGE BOWL, Georgia vs. Michigan: Y’all know the G-Dawgs are anxious for the rematch against the Champs. They have convinced themselves that the SEC Championship game was a fluke. Their linemen were sick. Somebody didn’t get a good night’s sleep. That guy got his feelings hurt on game day, etc., etc., etc. And if the Dawgs can beat Michigan, we gone have some kind of fun on January 10. BUT, the Dawgs have to beat Michigan first. And it might be harder than anyone is thinking. The Ugly Helmets are sick and tired of being mocked and ignored and not taken seriously. They beat Ohio State pretty soundly and looked sharp doing it. They are Aretha Franklin-ready for RESPECT and will be fired up to get some in this game. Can they? Yes. Will they? We sorta, kinda doubt it. Not because they are not a good team, but because we think the Dawgs are a tad better. It’s gone come down what just about every game comes down to – who makes the fewest mistakes. The Dawgs could get caught looking ahead and if they do, they can lose this game and have all winter to whine and complain about the meaning of life and the significance of time. But we think they’ll be just good enough to pull out the victory and make it to the championship. And then, we hope, face some real, true, overwhelming capital “D” disappointment.

Aiiight y’all. We coming down to the lick log ain’t we? It’s do or die now. Just the way we like it. Y’all hang in there – and remember, as Jungle Bob used to say, “There’s lots to be said for hanging.” As usual, he was right. We’re getting a running start at 2022 and invite y’all to join us. Here are some of our resolutions: Never listen to a woman announcer for a football game. Never, watch Vandy play football unless you have to, cause they’re playing your team. And, no matter what the music may be, NEVER, EVER, EVER, watch Brian Kelly dance.

 RTR!

SEC Bowl Predictions, #2

Ok now – here’s the rest of the SEC regular Bowl games for you. We’re already off to a “great” start ain’t we? Mizzou, Mizzouing away the game and Florida doing an absolutely swampy thing to lose to Center of Florida U. Bowl games are completely unpredictable – but especially with all the stupid Covid rules set by the NCAA. It’s almost impossible to know anything for certain about a particular game. BUT, in spite of all, we press on with dignity and honor. 

So here we go. We’re holding the semi-finals of the College Football Playoffs (which, as y’all know, involves two, TWO, SEC Teams this year) till later. But you’ll have em in a couple of days.

Friday, December 31

THE GATOR BOWL, Wake Forest vs. Texas A&M THE A&Mers BACK OUT OF THE GAME BECAUSE OF COVID. And please, DO NOT even hint that this had anything to do with them losing their starting quarterback to the transfer portal and some of the defensive linemen opting out of the game. DON’T EVEN THINK IT!

Saturday, January 1

THE OUTBACK BOWL, Penn State vs. Arkansas: Don’t know about y’all but we were pretty impressed with the way the Hawgs played this year. After going 4-3 in their first 7 games, they finished strong winning 4 out of the last 5 and looking good even in their one loss (against the Champs). On the other hand, we do not like Penn State and honestly, we never have. It’s not that we *hate* them. They’re too boring to hate and always have been. So it’s not hate but maybe, something like a severe lack of admiration sort-of dislike. We don’t like the fact that they always have a weak schedule. We don’t like that they are the “Nittany Lions” – and don’t bother to tell us what that means, we don’t like it and we don’t care. We don’t like James Franklin. We don’t like their uniforms (and don’t say they are “classic” – there’s nothing “classic” about boring and ugly). We don’t like that they are now in the B1G, just because. And besides, they lost 5 of their last 7 games. They are OVERRATED. So, we hope they lose. We hope they lose BIG. We hope they lose so bad that they are tempted to give up football. We hope they lose so bad that they spend January questioning the validity of their existence as a public institution. We do not like Penn State. GO RazorPigs!

THE CITRUS BOWL, Iowa vs. Kentucky: Well now, can you believe we got a Kenturkey sighting in January??? A rare sight indeed. And they gone get to play in Florida, in the sunshine, in 70 degree weather, on real green grass. Wonders will never cease, will they? Kenturkey earned this trip by finishing strong (winning their last 3 games of the regular season) and for their trouble, they get to play the Hawkeyes of Iowa. Iowa went into the B1G Championship game on a four-game winning streak and left it with a one-game losing streak. In fact, they got beat so bad, it should have counted for 2 losses. So, all that means that Kenturkey has an opportunity to close out a historic season – getting double digit wins for the first time since Noah walked out of the ark on Mt. Ararat. History can be made. And it should be made. The only question is, “Can Kenturkey avoid turning into Kenturdey?” We say, Yes. They. Can.

THE SUGAR BOWL, Ole Miss vs. Baylor: So, the fighting Joey Freshwaters, made it to a New Year’s Six Bowl! Hurrah and hurray! They had their first 11 win season and get to go to Norlins for New Year’s! Huzzah! And they get to play the Baptists from Waco, winners of the SouthWest Conference, uh, no, the Big 8 Conference . . . wait. THE BIG 12 Conference Champtionship. Both teams come into this game with identical 11-2 records. Both teams won 7 out of their last 8 games. Both teams have bears as mascots. But only one team has a LandShark and a Colonel Rebel. And it ain’t Baylor. Plus, isn’t Lane Kiffin a Presbyterian? Ole Miss wins.

Tuesday, January 4

THE TEXAS BOWL, LSU vs. Kansas State: Poor LSU. First, they lose their coach. Then they have a disappointing ESP (Early Signing Period) haul of recruits. Then they lose their cornerback and quarterback and other guys to the transfer portal and on top of all that, some decide to opt out of the bowl game to avoid injury. And finally, worst of all, the only thing they get in return is Brian Kelly (talk about a tough 3 weeks!). Now, they gotta play K-State – i.e. 7-5 K-State; as in the losers of their last 2 games, K-State; as in the team that wears those horrifying purple jerseys; yes, that K-State. And they play this game the Tuesday after New Year’s Day. It is sad-Country-song depressing. And there ain’t nothing anybody can do to help. We hope that somehow, LSU will have enough players left to field a team in this game. So, it looks like K-State might have a chance to win this game. They probably should win this game. But remember, they are K-State. LSU wins.

We hope all y’all had a Christmas Day to remember – and that you’re enjoying your new socks and underwear as much as we are! This is a wonderful time of the year ain’t it? We want to make it easy for you to slide into the New Year, so y’all just keep on hanging with us here at Fan HQ and ever-thang’s gone be merry and bright. May you have a joyful and safe time this Friday night and a blessed 2022!

SEC Bowl Predictions (1)

SEC Bowl Predictions (1)

Well, it’s time for that guy who looks like Phil Fulmer in a big red suit, to come visit all the good boys and girls – yep, it’s SEC BOWL TIME! And, as promised, all us here at Fan HQ got you covered like a bear rug in the middle of February. Today, we cover the first full week of SEC bowls and next week we’ll cover the rest. Y’all strap yoselves in and come on. Here’s what’s coming down for the best college tackle football teams in the country.

Wednesday, December 22

THE ARMED FORCES BOWL, Missouri vs. Army: This is actually a tough game to call. Mizzou should be able to beat our future soldiers, but y’all know how hard a “wishbone” team (or even a semi-wishbone team) can be to stop. If the M-Tigs fall behind, this could be a long game for them. But, if they can get a lead – they can make things mizzerable for the Dark Knights (wishbone teams don’t like coming from behind). We feeling just being in the SEC might be enough for the Tigers to pull out this one – and they’ve had a couple of weeks to get ready – so, let’s go MO! Mizzou wins.

Thursday, December 23

THE GASPARILLA BOWL, Florida vs. Central Florida: We have no idea what a gasparilla is unless it’s one of those drinks with a little umbrella in it (or is that a “sasparilla”?). Anyway, this game is a test of character for the Reptiles. Center Florida U ain’t a turrible team, but they are bad enough that the Gaytors should win this one – and actually, win it pretty easily. But there ain’t nothin easy for this UF team. They lost 4 of their last six – only winning their games against Samford (ugh) and “We Steal Shoes” University (hahahaha). By contrast, the Golden Knights come into the Sasparilla Bowl having won 5 or their last 6. In other words, the Fightin Gus Bus has a chance. And we’re pretty tempted to pick them. But, we’re going to hang in there with the SEC and go with the Swamp Things. But if they lose again, we ain’t gone be sorry.

Tuesday, December 28

THE BIRMINGHAM BOWL, Auburn vs. Houston: And speaking of losing streaks, take a look at Awbarn – losers of 5 out of their last 6 and 4 in a row. Ouch. And on top of that, they come into this game “Bo-less” – since Bo took that lonesome train to Nike U. The Coogs, on the other hand, after losing their first game of the year, finished up with 11 straight victories (before losing in the American Conference Championship to Cincinnati). So, the Barners may be in for a roughing up – and another loss would certainly put a cherry on top of Brian Harsin’s first year at the school at Toomer’s Corner. But again, we are SEC fans for a reason ain’t we? And one of those reasons is that we think the SEC has more on the bench than other teams have on the field. So, we pick the Wargles to win this one – and if they don’t, we will laugh at them so hard.

THE LIBERTY BOWL, Mississippi State vs. Texas Tech: Here is one of those, “Who Knows?” games that bowl games often give us. Who knows which Bullie team will dress out next Tuesday? After their turrible performance against Ole Miss, we don’t. They should be able to handle the Red Raiders (who lost 4 of their last 5 games in the regular season), but just cause they should, Who Knows if they can? We don’t. But we are prejudiced. And our desire to see the SEC play well and win these games overrides our deep sense of foreboding when it comes to the Cowbell Gang. We’re gone pick Miss St. to win, but we will be the least surprised of all, if they end up losing by a last second field goal.

Thursday, December 30

THE MAYO BOWL, North Carolina vs. South Carolina: There ain’t nothing like a Mayonnaise Bowl on the Eve of New Year’s Eve to get you in the party spirit, is there? Ok, bad question. This is a miserable game that nobody wants to watch, including us. We think North Carolina will win. But we gone have to get an email to learn the final score.

THE MUSIC CITY BOWL, Tennessee vs. Purdue: Instead, we will watch this un. Josh Heupel, winner of the Charlie Weiss Look-Alike Contest, guided the Vols to a 7-5 season and got rewarded with a bus trip to Nashville – and we as proud of him as we can be. The Little Oranges come into this game on a mini-roll (they won 3 out of their last 4 regular season games). The Boilers come in riding a slightly bigger roll (winning 4 of their last 5). The Tangerines can win this game, but we are suffering a crisis of confidence in them. Purdue played far better than we expected at the end of the year and they come into this game with something to prove – and there ain’t nothin they’d like to prove more than that they’re able to beat an SEC team. But there’s a reason they’re called Pur-don’t and we think that will be apparent when the sun goes down. We’re taking the Rocky Flops to uphold the honor of the SEC. And if they don’t, we will continue to hold them in the low regard they deserve.

Ok, y’all, there’s the first part of SEC Bowl Mania. It’s gone be fun and all us here at Fan HQ hope all y’all have a merry Christmas. Eat as much as you can without falling into sin and remember to thank the Lord you ain’t a Notre Dame fan!

SEC Championship Prediction

Well, last Saturday, the Tide won a game after playing disastrously and horribly badly. About as bad as we’ve ever seen. For 58 minutes and 36 seconds, things looked really, really, REALLY bad. And then they won. It was the sort of thing that almost never happens. It was like magic.

Now the question is: “Can this happen again this Saturday against Georgia?” Answer: “No. Absolutely not.”

If the Champs play as badly as they played last week, there will be no opportunity to win the game in the last 1:34 of the fourth quarter. And that’s why they roll into Hotlanta as solid underdawgs for the SEC Championship. They’ve earned it. Fully. And completely.

So, ever-body, and we mean EVER-BODY is picking the G-Dawgs – and they’ve got plenty of reasons for doing so. We do not blame them. We do not get upset with them. We do not think them deranged. We fully understand.

But.

They are all going to be wrong. Every. Last. One. Of. Them.

Not because they think Georgia has, overall, a much more consistent Defense. They certainly do.

Not because Georgia doesn’t have a better running game (they obviously do, the Champs have only one scholarship running back left – everybody else is injured).

Not because Georgia doesn’t have a solid kicking game. They do – and they may have a slight edge at punter.

Not because Georgia doesn’t have a better offensive line [If we agree, will you laugh out loud?] Injuries and poor play have hampered the Tide’s O-line all year. It’s been ugly. At times, even worse than ugly.

The one area where the Champs have an edge is at quarterback and defensive end. Will A. and Bryce are fine and have been outstanding most of the time (especially Mr. Monster, Will Anderson).

So, y’all are asking yoreselves, “Why Fan Inc., Why are you still picking the Tide to win? Why? Give us one reason. Just one is all we ask.”

And we answer: “We have no explanation other than: It’s the vibe. It’s the SEC Championship, it’s Saturday in the Mercedes dome, it’s Atlanta, it’s December, you know, the vibe. That’s it. It’s just the vibe.”

And y’all know – when the Fan is feeling the vibe, it’s meaningful. So,

The Champs win. 

Ask no more questions.

We cannot tell you why.

And so closes another expert analysis that you won’t ever hear on College Game Day ™. 

And you’re welcome.

P.S. Trust the vibe. 

RTR!

SEC Predictions, Week #13

Well, y’all saw ‘xactly what we saw last Saturday, didnchoo? Just another one of the wacky weeks in SEC. We did ok on our picks, 8-2 – and remember, we told y’all that those two upsets could easily happen. So, actually, we’re right even when we’re wrong. Anyway, our two misses were well worth it just for their entertainment value. Awbarn losing to the Roosters was hilarious (as we said it would be) and Mizzou causing Florida to cast Dan Mullen off Gatorland Island was amazing. But, putting all that fun behind us, let us officially welcome y’all to Rivalry Week! The annual Thanksgiving weekend where we all get to get all fired up to whip up on the teams we hate the most (football is a wonderful thing ain’t it?) And, as usual, we get started on Turkey Day:

Ole Miss at Mississippi State: Well here’s a game we never thought would be exciting way back in September, but here we are – The Egg Bowl – and dang, we’re sorta kinda looking forward to watching it. Both teams are on an egg roll (badaboom). The Old Missuses have won 3 in a row and the Cowbell Gang has won their last 2 and 4 out of their last five. Both teams are Bowl Eligible ™ and so there ain’t anything at stake except who gets to brag when the clock runs out. In the past, we always thought this game was called the “Egg Bowl” because one of the teams always lays an egg – so which team will it be this year? It’s a home game for the StarkVegas boys and we sorta kinda like them to pull the mild upset in this one. So, that means the Rebel-Bear-Black-Sharks lay an egg and the Bulllies win.

Friday

Missouri at Arkansas: The Border Battle (or whatever they call this fake rivalry) is another battle of teams who come into the game riding a semi-hot streak. Mizzou has won 2 in a row (and 3 out of their last 4) and the Pigs lost last Saturday against the Champs but before that, they had won 3 in a row. This game is played for another one of those heavy, ugly trophies that you ought to be able to either force the loser to carry around or drop it on their heads from the top row of the bleachers. Anyway, we think the Pigs are the better team . . . and they’re at home . . . and, . . . and, . . . they wear red . . . so, they win.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, brings us to Saturday!

Florida State at Florida: Well, all we can say is, “Poor little Gaytors.” So sorry that you lost your coach (hahahaha). So sorry that you’re not Bowl Eligible ™ (bwahahahahaha). So sorry that you are going to end the year by losing to yore cross-state/upstate rivals the Semi-Noles (hehehehehehehehehe). So sorry your coach decided to play for overtime when he could have at least tried to get into field goal range and win the game before the end of regulation (hehahehaheha). So sorry that your season is coming to a very embarrassing, boring, and well-deserved end (whaaaaahahahahahahahahaha). Seriously though, we really mean it (pay no attention to the laughter, we’re not laughing at you, we’re laughing with you . . . . well, ok, . . . we’re laughing at you). Unfortunately, your comedy act comes to an end this Saturday. Y’all will lose to the Shoe Stealers. But think of it this way, at least y’alla be home for Christmas and New Year’s!

Georgia at Georgia Tech: Here’s an historic rivalry that is no longer neither historic nor a rivalry. Of course the Yalla Jackets would love to beat the UN-DEE-FEETED and Number 1 Dawgs, no doubt. But after getting beat by 55 at the hands of Notre Lame, it ain’t happening, unless y’all keep the G-Dawg defense on the sideline at gunpoint. Gorge-ja wins and it won’t be close.

Kentucky at Louisville: Welcome to the “We’d-Rather-Be-Playing-Basketball” Bowl! The K-Kats having broken their 3-game losing streak a couple of weeks back, come into this game Bowl Eligible ™ and riding a 2-game winning streak (now a-course that’s counting their last two games against Vandy and New Mejico State – but they count). So the Mildcats will be going for their 9th win of the season. The Redbirds are trying to win their third in a row and finish with a 7-5 record and, who knows, maybe pull down that coveted Gasperilla Bowl invitation. Unfortunately (or, maybe fortunately) the Birds will not get it. Kats win and Mike Stoops gets a contract extension.

Clemson at South Carolina: Now, you know who’s fired up and feeling gooooooood this week, doncha? Oh yeah, it’s those Fighting Roosters over in Columbia east, that’s who. After beating the West Georgia Barn Dwellers they feeling some kind of fine. And they ought to. Beating the Gaytors and the Wargles in the same season is an accomplishment . . . if you’re the Game Chickens (and thank the Lord, we ain’t). But the Roosters have fallen into a familiar pattern of alternating wins and losses – and guess what’s scheduled to hit this Saturday? Yep. USC (east) loses to that team that wears that ghastly, glaring orange that causes blindness if you stare at it too long. 

Texas A&M at LSU: Ok, so here’s a game that no matter how terrible Bae-Bae’s Boyfriend’s Boyz have been playing, they could actually win. IF they can put it together and play like they’re capable of playing. But it may be too late. The problem with the Tigurs ain’t so much ability as it is attitude. Will they decide to play this Saturday? Can Coach Eaux get them fired up enough to play one last game of football for 60 full minutes? Or will they just come out all-hot and ready and then, make a mistake, and quit? It would be fun to see them take this one. But, y’all know enough not to let your emotions drive the car of your decisions – so, we have to take the Agricultural and Mechanical team in this one. They’re boring. But they’re also better than LSU.

Vanderbilt at Tennessee: Well now, ain’t the Little Oranges sittin’ purdy? They are guaranteed a .500 season no matter what happens this Saturday! AND they don’t even have to beat Vandy to be Bowl Eligible ™! Whachoosay Rocky Flops! This is quite a season. We’re so happy for y’all we feel like Phil Fulmer when he gets a gift card to the Golden Corral! Meanwhile the Doors are completing another miserable season. We wish we could help. But we also wish we could bring about world peace. And unfortunately, we think it’d easier to do the latter than the former. The Tangerines win and look forward to going to the Birmingham Bowl!

Alabama at Auburn: Now we get to the Best Game of the Day ™ – the Champs travel to Barntown to play the Wargles who are still complaining about how badly they are mistreated by the refs. Now, let us again state it plainly: The SEC refs are The Worst, and there ain’t no doubt about that. BUT NOBODY gets more calls to go in their favor than the Toilet Paper Throwers – NOBODY. So, for them to complain is like Joe Biden complaining that the media is being too hard on him. We don’t how the refs will do, but we do know that the Tide needs to have a complete game to win this one. No matter how bad the Wargles have been playing, they will be up for this game and can win it if the Champs continue to make the mistakes they’ve been making all year. So, we think this one will be a lot closer than most people expect. With the SEC championship game waiting next Saturday, it’s time to press the pedal to the floorboard and do some serious work. Get-er-done boys. Tide wins, Awbarn whines. 

Well, that’s about as good as we can do and about as much as you could ask, ain’t it? It’s been fun y’all – and it’s hard to believe that we’ve reached the end of the regular season. We’ll try to give a SEC Championship prediction and then do the bowls – but let us thank all of you for your support and encouragement through this season. Now it’s time to remember all the things we have to be thankful for. We hope all y’all get to eat something memorable this weekend – like some tasty dead bird with cornbread dressing and cranberry sauce on the side and some o’those green bean bundles that you can eat yore weight in, and homemade biscuits and gravy – oooh son! Makes you so happy you could sing in the moonlight and kiss Aunt Myrtle don’t it? All of us here at Fan HQ hope that all y’all have a happy, peaceful, fun, Thanksgiving Day and weekend. Be sure to thank the Lord for His goodness and mercy, and for your family, and for America, and for yore health, and all the other good things we have . . . and especially for the fact that you ain’t a Vandy fan. 

RTR!

SEC Predictions, Week #12

Last week was the week of the broken dreams for some teams (looking at you Awbarn and A&Mers) and it was the day of glory for others (congrats to the Cowbell Gang and G-Dawgs who clinched the SEC LEast). The Gaytors (hahahahahahaha) won (hahahahahaha) by eeking out a victory against the Bulldogs of Samford (FCS team with a losing record) – but it didn’t phase Coach Dan who expressed his pride in his team’s “great effort” (too bad the fans weren’t watching the same game that Coach Dan watched, cause at halftime, they were ready to have an old timey Aztec worship service with the coaching staff as special guests). Over all, it was great fun but pretty hard on the record. We went 5-3 for the week and felt providentially favored to do that well. This week we celebrate our annual “Bakery Week” in the SEC – there gone be so many cupcakes on the field that y’all’re in danger of getting diabetes just watching it. So, go ahead and take an extra shot of insulin and get ready. Here’s what’s happening.

Charleston Southern at Georgia: The UN-DEE-FEETED and Number #1, SEC LEast champs face the Charleston Southern Creampuffs in a titanic battle in Athens. CS is fresh off a thrashing of the Gardner-Webb Bulldogs last Saturday (winning by 8 points, but the game was not as close as the score might indicate). Clearly, CS plays hard against Dawgs. Georgia will have their hands full but in spite of an obvious upset alert, we’re gone take the Dawgs in a close one.

Prairie View A&M at Texas A&M: Welcome to the Battle of the A&Mers! And both of em are coming into this game in a very bad mood. Both had winning streaks broken last Saturday (the Aggies had won 4 in a row and the Panthers 6) and both got the red eye about it. Prolly best not to mess with either at this point. So, who’s gonna win? We’ll go with the South Tejas Aggies – and predict that they will win by at least a field goal.

New Mexico State at Kentucky: We bet y’all didn’t realize that not only did Kenturkey break a 3-game losing streak last week against the Doors, but they also slud into sole possession of 2nd place in the SEC LEast! Flowers and salutations all around! The K-Kats with that victory said “goodbye” to the Gasparilla Bowl and gave a big HELLO to the “Music City Bowl” dontchall think? Shoot, there ain’t been this much fun had Lexingtown since Adolph Rupp wore pants a couple sizes too small and bent over to pick up a towel. And the fun ain’t stopping this Saturday when the New Mehico Aggies come to town. The Aggies are thankful to be out of Alabama for the weekend, but the end result will be the same – i.e. another loss. Kenturkey gets a “W” just before “Turkey Week” – and we couldn’t be more proud of them.

Tennessee State at Mississippi State: And speaking of being proud of somebody – whattabout the Cowbell Gang, huh? Going down to BarnTown and whipping the Toilet Paper Throwers was just about as fine as you can get. And this week they get to play another set of Tigers – from the land of Rocky Top – the 5-5 Tennessee State Cinnamon Rolls who are in the middle of a two-game losing streak. We don’t have to think about this one too hard. All we have to do is point out one thing: TS has never been to StarkVegas when the Cowbells are ringing. The bright lights coupled with that loud, clanging noise, is probably gonna be overwhelming to the boys from the quiet mountains of RockyFlopLand. They will lose – but they shouldn’t feel bad. That’s what happens when it’s yore first time in the big city.

Florida at Missouri: The AlleyGators are looking for something, anything, that will make them Bowl Eligible ™ and this is their best (and probably last) shot to get their tickets to whatever is the equivalent of the Birmingham Bowl. Mizzou is feeling good after whipping the Game Chickens last Saturday and, y’all know what? After watching the Gaytors play against mighty Samford last week, they could be going to Columbia (west) and coming home with a 5-6 record. But, just to show balanced and unbiased we are, we’re gone go with the Reptiles. They’ve been insulted and ridiculed all week and will (maybe) be ready to play a decent game of football. Embarrassment is a fairly powerful motivator.

Auburn at South Carolina: You know, it takes a lot of hair to blame the refs for your loss after you’ve had just about every close call (and some not-so-close) go your way all season. But leave it to the Barners to do just that. SEC refs are turrible, but, even Aunt Sudee knows you can’t blame the refs when you lead a team 28-3 and then give up 40 straight points. You can take them out of Barntown but you can’t take Barntown out of them, can you? Well anyway, this week they travel to Columbia (east) and have an opportunity to get another win and pad their resume for the Belk Bowl. The only problem is the Wargles lost their quarterback, Lucky McLuckyface, last Saturday and will have to go with their backup for the rest of the season. Can they win in spite of this? Yes, and we’ll even say they will. Would it be funny if they lost? No. It would be hilarious.

Vanderbilt at Ole Miss: The Commydoors are busy being the Commydoors ain’t they? They come into this game in OxfordCity having lost 5 in row and 6 out of their last 7 – they are doing “the Vandy” better than ever. But Joey Freshwater’s boys are feeling good. They just knocked the A&Mers out of a chance to win the SEC West and are riding high with a two-game winning streak and sole possession of second place in the division. We would normally say that they are ripe for an upset – given the fact that they are probably going to be looking ahead to the Egg Bowl next week – but remember, they’re playing Vandy. V-A-N-D-Y. And that’s the key to this game. The Rebel Black Shark Bears could have the cheerleaders playing in the defensive backfield and still win by two touchdowns. Land Bears win.

South Alabama at Tennessee: The Rocky Flops got bit badly last week by the G-Dawgs and so come limping into this game against the Sun Belt’s South Alabama Cream-filled Donuts. USA arrives dragging a 2-game losing streak with them (losing to Troy and Appy State) and so, they ain’t exactly whatchooed call “on-a-roll.” The Little Oranges, by contrast, have motivation. They are searching for Bowl Eligibility ™ and need one more win to get there. Thankfully, they’re playing a Krispy-Kreme franchise and so will attain their goal and probly get to play somebody like Wake Forest in the “We Don’t Care Who Wins” Bowl.

UL Monroe at LSU: Did someone say “upset alert”? No joke. If the Tigurs play like the Walking Dead, this could happen. The ULM Honey Buns are coming to Red Stick and, let us tell y’all, they think they can win this game. And why shouldn’t they? Bae-Bae’s Boyfriend’s team has lost 3 in a row and 5 out of their last 6 games – and have looked turrible doing it. The Honey Buns have shown the capability of playing competitively against good competition and pitifully against bad competition. And there’s no way of knowing which team is going to hit the turf at Tigur Stadium this Saturday night. They’ve had injuries so a lot depends upon who’s healthy and who ain’t. It’s gone be real and it’s gone be fun but it probly ain’t gone be real fun, so we’ll go with the Bayou Boys (south) to win.

Arkansas at Alabama: Finally, we come to The Best Game of the Day ™ with the Hawgs traveling to T-town to take on the Champs. The Tide played a bit better against the New Mehico Cherry Tarts last week but suffered some serious injuries in the process. So they ain’t at full strength, but neither is anybody else at this point in the season – so now, they just gotta suck it up and get on and do what they gotta do. The Pigs are about as happy as Pigs can be after picking up their 3rd win in a row in Baton Rouge last Saturday. They’re playing real good at this point and if the Champs play like they did against the A&Mers and the Bayou Boys, there could be some real trouble. But, we don’t think that’s gone happen this Saturday. The good guys can clinch a spot in the SEC Championship with a win. And we think that’s exactly what’s gone happen.

Ok y’all, that’s a wrap on Week #12. You know, it ain’t ever day that you can say, “Y’all know what? I’m ready for Saturday!” but here y’all are. Y’all’re as fixed up as Joe Biden with a gift card to Baskin Robbins. And you got it all for the extra-special low price of Free! All us here at Fan HQ hope y’all will enjoy the weekend. Keep dry, stay warm, hug yore Momma, and tell everbody we said “Hay!”

*Special note to all the Vandy fans: why don’t both of y’all just go bowling?

RTR!

SEC Predictions, Week #11

Well, sometimes there ain’t much you can do to help it – there are just weird weeks where things happen. There’s a full moon, Dr. Hyde turns into Dr. Jekyll, and Florida loses to South Carolina. All things considered, going 4-3 on a week like the last one, is probably pretty good. BUT we ain’t here to do “pretty good” are we? This is tFSE (the Fan School of Excellence) and we can settle for “pretty good” like Danny Sheridan and Joey Galloway (ok, not Joey Galloway – he’d be deliriously happy if he could do “pretty good”). So, we press on in faith and hope. Week 11 feels like it’s coming to us and bringing burgers and fries. Here’s what’s coming down:

New Mexico State at Alabama: The Champs played like The Chumps last Saturday night – truly a game worthy of forgetting with a vengeance. We’ve decided it’s not good to play after the sun goes down. So this week the Lord predestined a nice, calm morning game with a kick-off scheduled a little after “brunch time.” So unless this one goes into 2 to 3 hundred overtimes, it’ll be done before dark. And if it goes into overtime, the Tide will have more problems than the Loudoun County School Board. Let’s pray that this is a well-mannered rout that we won’t have to talk about any more after the period at the end of this sentence.

Mississippi State at Auburn: Well, last week the Cowbell Gang did what the Cowbell Gang always does when we pick em to win a game, right? We thought they would be able to handle the Hawgs. But they weren’t. We even said that we’d probably be sorry for picking them. Which was the only thing we got right. Ugh. So, this week, they are playing a game that we’d almost be willing to bet the Fan’s beautiful HQ that they will lose. And we are confident they will . . . but we ain’t betting the house on it. Barners win.

Samford at Florida: Last week we were confident that the Gaytors could not play poorly enough to lose to the Game Chickens. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. This week, the Reptiles play the Samford Bulldogs, a team that is coming off a stunning victory over the Citadel Bulldogs (you might say it was a real “dog fight,” baddaboom!). This week the Bulldogs go to Gator-City and we think they’ll lose. Which means, given the way the world is spinning at present, that the Swamp Things will win by a point. But just in case they somehow find a way to lose again, we’ve heard that Dan Mullen has already purchased a set of funny-nose glasses and scheduled an appointment with a plastic surgeon. So at least we know he’s putting that Boy Scout training into practice.

Texas A&M at Ole Miss: One of the games we actually got right last week was the A&Mers taking down the Wargles. We weren’t impressed but a win is a win (right Alabama?). Anyway, this week the Agricultural & Mechanical boys travel to Oxford Town to play the Rebel Bear Black Sharks. We’d be sorely tempted to pick the Ole Missuses if they had a defense that could stop an unmotivated flea. But, unfortunately, they don’t. Aggies win.

South Carolina at Missouri: Guess who’s feeling goooooooooood? Nevermind, we’ll tell you. It’s the team that got beat by thirty points one week and then bounced back to beat their opponent (a heavily favored opponent) by almost the same margin. Hey Gamecocks, y’all come and take a bow! What a win and y’all couldn’t have done it to a team that deserves a beat down more. So, it’s too bad that y’all’re still thinking about the trouncing of the Gaytors – cause that’s going to lead to a loss this week to Mizzerable U. But that’s exactly what’s gone happen this Saturday in Columbia (west). This time the roles will be reversed. Mizzou (who got their buns handed to them last week) will pull a “Game Chicken” and win this game. Sorry guys, but when you’re a really bad team, this is how it goes.

Georgia at Tennessee: Well, the G-Dawgs are rollin ain’t they? UN-DEE-FEETED! Number 1! Wearin a spiked collar! Ooooh son, they feeling the vibe. And the Little Oranges ain’t exactly depressed after their exciting win over the K-Kats last Saturday. We’re certainly happy for them. It’s so cute to see teams get excited over a victory. And we do sincerely hope they have enjoyed their week of good feels. Because, unfortunately, all that will end sometime around 7:00 Saturday night. Dawgs win. Rocky Flops lose. Again.

Kentucky at Vanderbilt: You can tell that Thanksgiving is coming can’t you? Yeah, there’s a little chill in the air; the leaves that have turned are now falling, and Kentucky is turning into Kenturkey just in time for the holidays. Our favorite time of the year. Remember, it was just 3 weeks ago that Kenturkey rolled into Athens to play for first place in the SEC LEast. They not only lost, they got broke. And they ain’t recovered yet. But, y’all know what the best medicine for a losing streak is dontcha? Yep. Play the Commydoors. Losers of 4 in a row. And 6 out of their last 7. And 7 out of their last 9. The Doors are just what the doctor ordered to get you back in the win column. So, the MildKats will have some fun on Saturday. But the fun will be like the “fun” of beating your 4-year-old in Monopoly. It’s a win, but you don’t exactly wanna brag about it.

Arkansas at LSU: Well the Tigurs thought they played well enough to win in T-Town last Saturday (and they are right). Coach Eaux was so excited by the loss, he congratulated his team for losing and walked off the field waving both hands with fingers held in the “L” position. Considering how excited he was to lose the game, it’s probably a good thing they lost – otherwise, he mightta had a stroke. Anyway, this Saturday the RazorPigs come to town – and come to town riding a two-game winning streak (with wins against the Pine Bluff School of Dance and the Cowbell Gang). This could be the best game of the day. If the Tigurs can play like they did last week, they could win this game. If the Pigs play like they did last week, they could also win this game. So, what’s gone happen? In situations like this, the Fan Prognosticating Rule of Thumb (tFPRoT) is, take the home team. Even though they’re in last place in the SEC West. Even though they’ve lost 4 out of their last 5 games. Even though they are coached by a man with a speech impediment. We think they’ll win this one and keep their dreams of making it to the Belk Bowl alive. Geaux Tigurs!

Ok, y’all, thereyago. Here’s the thing: Regardless of what actually happens, now y’all know what should happen – and there’s value in that. And no matter what happens, we still gone have something fit to eat, and we gone enjoy another Saturday of good ole American tackle football. So don’t despair – just remember, even if your team loses, there’s still fried chicken.

RTR!

SEC Predictions, Week #10

Well, once again we fell short – this time thanks to whoever that was that dressed up like the Cowbell Gang football team and beat the MildKats last week. Whoever y’all are, you caused us to miss our “perfecto” and we hope you’re happy. But, if y’all thought that would make us give up, y’all got, as Jungle Bob used to say, “another fink coming.” All y’all did is provide motivation. We more fired up than the Republicans are about winning the Governor’s race in Virginia. It’s The Process ™ y’all. Here’s what’s gone happen in Week #10: 

Missouri at Georgia: Well good ole Mizzou went out and put a whippin on the Commydoors handing the “anchor-down” boys their fourth loss in a row and their sixth loss in their last 7 games (they prolly need to pull that anchor up). But this week the M-Tigs travel to Athens to play the Number ONE, G-Dawgs. We hope Mizzou had fun last Saturday, cause they ain’t gonna have much this Saturday. Da Dawgs win.

Liberty at Ole Miss: The Rebel Black Shark-Bears lost their second game of the season in Wargle-Town last Saturdy and this week they get to try to take out some of their frustration against the Baptists of Jerry Falwell U. This could be inneresting since it’s an opportunity for Coach Hugh Freeze to have a “homecoming” of a sort – and we don’t mean that “literally” since that would be more trouble than Coach Hugh is able to handle (is somebody taking away his cell phone?). Liberty is on a two-game winning streak (beating the “Not-So-Mean” Green of North Texas and the Minutemen of U Mass the last two weeks) so they’re hot (ok, luke warm). We hope they appreciate being warm because they will not be after the clock expires on Saturday. Joey Freshwater’s boys pick up their seventh win of the season.

Auburn at Texas A&M: This may end up being the best game of the day. The Barners travel to “Hot-as-Heck” Texas to play the A&Mers (only this time it won’t be quite as hot as usual). A&M still has dreams of Atlanta – and they might come true if the Champs lose another game. So this is a huge game for them. Can they beat the “wonder boys” of Barntown? Can they somehow break the spell that inexplicably causes every critical call go in the favor of the Tigles and allows their quarterback, Bo McLuckyface, to escape tacklers and complete impossible passes for critical gains and scores? We don’t know. But if they can make the Barners work for their scores and be on the alert for trick plays, they have a chance to win this game. And we think they just might be able to do that. So, we gone go with the home team and hope that Jimbo can secure another extension with a “Signature Win” ™ 

Mississippi State at Arkansas: This is a game that the Cowbell Gang should win. BUT, it is on the road, they played well last week, and the Pigs are probably ready to have their first good game in a month and a half. After losing three in a row, the Hawgs were finally able to defeat the Arkansas Pine Bluff School for Delicate Ladies – so they don’t come into this game on a losing streak (at least, we’ll pretend that’s the case). But the way they’ve played don’t exactly “inspire” confidence. And here come the StarkVegas Darlings, fresh off their upset over the K-Kats, all fired up and ready to show the rest of us that they can play two good games back-to-back. Can they? We can’t help but doubt it – but in spite of our skepticism, we’re going with the Bullies (and yes, we realize this is probably going to come back to bite us).

Alabama at LSU: Remember when this game used to be the “Big Game” ™? Yeah. Those were the days. Remember when even the team managers were so good, they got drafted in the 8th round? Yeah. That was cool. But, things have changed. Coach “Bae-Bae’s Boyfriend” began to spend more time in bars with co-eds than he spent in the film room with his coaches. He began to hire his close friends as assistants instead of actual, honest-to-goodness men who knew how to coach. And now, the Tigurs come into this game 25 point underdogs. Wow. But it wasn’t that long ago (2019) that the Bayou Boys visited T-Town and took home a “W” – remember that? Yeah. So does Coach Saban. The Champs win.

Tennessee at Kentucky: Well, here’s one for all the people who like to sleep through football games – the Rocky Flops vs. the Mildkats. And y’all’s guess on how thisun turns out is as good as ours (well, really, it ain’t quite as “good” but y’all know what we mean). But instead of flipping a coin, let’s apply some of our patented “Fan Logic” to this situation for a minute. First, it’s a home game for Kenturkey. Second, Kenturkey lost last week and will be mad – at least, as mad as Mildkats can get (it ain’t much but it should be enough mad to beat the Little Oranges). Third, it’s . . . well, it’s . . . ok, we don’t know what #3 is, but when you add it all up, we think the K-Kats can squeak this one out and maybe win by a safety or a missed extra point. Oh, and we just thought of number #3: Tennessee deserves to lose. Just because. 

Florida at South Carolina: And we end up with the “Nobody Cares” Bowl – the Alleygators travel to Columbia (east) to face USC (east) in a game about as meaningless as a UN Climate Summit. The only interesting thing is to see if Dan Mullen will do something to make the Gaytor fans hate him more than they already do. He’s capable, y’all. And so that gives this game a sliver of interest. If the Swamp Things can play badly enough to lose this one, Uncle Dan is probably gonna need around-the-clock body guards when he gets back to Gainesville. And that would be interesting. But we don’t think that’s gone happen. Gaytors win and save Dan’s job for one more week.

Aw-rite then! Now, y’all are fully equipped to have a great Saturday of watching SEC tackle football. And not just watch, but watch with the advantage of true sagacity, insight, and knowledge that normal, everyday Americans just don’t have. And you know what – you got it all free of charge. Because we care. And y’all’re welcome. We hope you can getchoreself something fit to eat at the tailgate. And if you don’t have something FTE, just come join us at Fan HQ for Momma’s sweet pickle tater salad and roast beef po-boys. Son, it’s so good, one bite’ll make you wanna run naked around the block shouting “Hallelujah.”  

RTR!