SEC predictions, week #12

Well, how many times can we do almost this season? Once again, we had a glorious perfecto working until the G-Dawgs decided they let the Wargles beat them like an Apache tom-tom. So we end up going 7-1 on the week, bringing our season record to 66-20 (a 76% winning rate, but still that’s just “average” for us). So with only two weeks left in this season, it’s time to get it in gear and start showing our championship qualities. And that’s what we’ve decided to do this week. We start off with the cream puffs, cupcakes, and donuts and finish with some halfway legitimate games.

Wofford vs. South Carolina: The Lamecocks welcome the Wofford Terriers into Columbia this week for their annual grudge match (well, that’s a bit of an exaggeration – this is more like a pillow fight). And this year, the Terriers are flying high (or maybe Terriers would be more comfortable sitting cool, in a dog house, but whatever). The Woffords come into this game with a sporty 9-1 record (after whipping VMI 45-14) – with their only loss to Samford. USC (east) comes in, riding a whoppin of the Alleygators last week – which in any other year would be a cause for pride. This year, however, it’s nothing more than escaping the embarrassment that would come for losing to the Swamp Things. Anyway, expect a “dogfight” but we think the Game Chicks win.

Mercer vs. Alabama: The Champs welcome the Mercer Bears for brunch this Saturday morning. The Bears are 5-5 on the year – coming off a victory over Western Carolina. Remember, this is the team that only lost to Awbarn by 14 earlier in the season – so the Bears ain’t chopped liver (probably ground hamburger would be more like it). The Tide needs to win (of course) but it needs a game where the subs can play most of the way – allowing what’s left of the starters to rest and heal. So, the Champs come praying that this will be an easy game. If it ain’t, we’ve got trouble on the horizon. But this week, everything is fine. Bama wins.

Louisiana-Monroe vs. Auburn: The teams of September are not the same teams in November. And that is certainly the case with the Barners. They dismantled the G-Dawgs last week and may be the best team in the country this week. They’re looking forward to next week when they get an opportunity to ruin the Tide’s season by winning the SEC West championship. They’ll be looking forward to that game and probably not taking ULM seriously (but of course, that’s understandable). ULM is 4-5 on the year after beating Appy State two weeks ago. They are rested. They are ready. And they will lose in spite of that. But, it’s prolly gone be a much tougher game than the Wargles are expecting. East Alabama wins and starts saving their toilet paper for next week.

UAB vs. Florida: The Alleygators are so bad that they actually could lose this game to a team that quit playing football two years ago. Not joking. UAB comes into this game with a 7-3 record, on a three-game winning streak. The Gaytors are falling as fast as the Blazers are rising. They’ve lost five in a row and are praying for a bad storm to come so that they can cancel this game. Can they win? Yes. Will they? Wow, y’all ask hard questions! Yes. Maybe. We hope. For the SEC’s sake, we hope. And we’re going to say they will. We say it with about as much confidence as Hilary has in Donna Brazile – but we’ll pick them anyway – and if they lose, we’ll laugh at them.

Kentucky vs. Georgia: Ok, now we come to the more legitimate games and we start with the chastened and embarrassed, formerly Number 1 G-Dawgs (who just learned how hard it is to be Number 1). And they have to face Kenturkey who took the Commydoors to the cloakroom and beat them with a yard stick last Saturday. The Kats are looking for their eighth win of the season. But they won’t get it (at least, not this week). The Dawgs got their feelings hurt last week and will be in no mood to be friendly to anybody this Saturday. Dawgs win and it may not be close.

Missouri vs. Vanderbilt: Oh Vandy. What can we say? Well, aside from “Y’all are terrible!” but we don’t want to be mean and pile on. And now y’all got to play Mizzou – the Mighty Tigers – who just hung half a hundred on the Trashcan Kids. Remember what we said about September teams and November teams? Mizzou is exhibit #2. They have turned it around and now have a chance to win 7 games. They lost five in a row and now have won four in a row – and so go for number 5 this Saturday. And they’ll get it. Vandy is so nice and accommodating, they won’t stand in the way. Mizzou wins and starts thinking about the G0-Daddy Bowl (is that still around?).

Mississippi State vs. Arkansas: Big Brett doesn’t know where to turn unless he’s looking for a snack. But as far as trying to get his Pigs on the win-track, he’s apparently at a loss. The Hawgs are hurtin’ – longing to hear the Pig Lady sing again, but it won’t happen – not this week and prolly not the rest of the year. This week they have to face a greatly frustrated Cowbell Gang who let the Champs out of the trap last Saturday night – giving up two fourth quarter TDs to lose. The Bullies are not happy. And they want to finish out strong. They have a chance to win nine games. They’ll get number 8 this Saturday.

Texas A&M vs. Ole Miss: With their victory over the Ragin’ Cajuns last week, the Ole Messes evened their season record at 5-5 and now dream of a winning record. Dream on, y’all. The A&Mers almost got arrested for chid abuse last week, beating the Low-boes 55-14. And they are ready to keep Big Mo on their side this Saturday. Ole Mess needs to win this ‘un cause it looks like it’s their last chance to get to 6 wins on the year (next week they take on the Bullies). Sorry boys. It ain’t happening. Coach Luke will finish out his first (and last) year as a head coach with a losing record. The Agony & Misery boys continue their crusade to save Kevin Sumlin’s job – A&M wins.

LSU vs. Tennessee: Everybody has been looking forward to playing the Floppy Tops this year and now it’s LSU’s turn. The Five-Star Hearts have lost 6 of 8 and will probably end the season losing 8 of their last 10 (although, since they fired Coach Botch, they’ll have a fighting chance against Vandy). LSU continues to play better but the good news for them is they don’t have to improve in order to win this game. The Champions of Life are already looking forward to a nice quiet holiday season. LSU wins and (we hope) Coach O will get another contract extension!

Ok boys, we’re doing our best to finish strong here – but we can’t do it all by ourselves. Y’all need to contribute! Sacrifice! Give it up for the team! Be “fourth-quarter” winners! That’s what we all about. We know y’all have the desire. But “desire” is just Harvey Weinbaum – “winning” is Butch Jones being paid millions to lose football games in an embarrassing fashion. Be like Coach Botch who understands that having a “five-star heart” is fine, if you have a buyout. Y’all have fun and all us here at the International Fan HQ hope all y’all have a great weekend!

RTR!

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Alabama 31, Mississippi State 24

In every season there’s a game where the other guys are playing very well, at home, and have a lead late in the game. And when that time comes, if you want to win a championship, you need to get your stuff together and get ‘er done. And that’s exactly what happened Saturday night in the midst of the bedlam that was Davis-Wade Stadium.

At the beginning of the fourth quarter State had the ball, second and 8 at the Alabama 9 yard line, leading 21-17. At this point they had held the ball for 33 and a half of the 45 minutes of the game. If they score a TD, given the situation, it could be the ballgame. But that’s when things began to change. The Tide defense got the stop and State had to settle for a field goal, making the score 24-17.

Alabama took over on their own 18 and proceeded to drive 82 yards to tie the game (with 9:49 left in the game). But, the depleted defense still had to stop Fitzgerald and the Bullie offense (and that had been a job all night). Because of another silly penalty (don’t get us started on “silly” penalties), the Tide had to kick off from their own 20 so State got the ball on their own 40. But, after a quick first down, the defense held and State punted.

Taking over on their own 20, the Tide once again drove to the State 23 where Andy Pop missed a 41-yard field goal with 2:09 left in the game. It seemed that only two outcomes were possible (both of them bad): 1) overtime or 2) Fitzgerald driving the Dawgs down the field for a winning field goal. But once again the Tide defense held and forced a punt, giving the offense the ball on their own 32 with 1:09 left in the game.

After a 15-yard pass to Calvin R., the Tide faced a third and 15 at their own 43 (with 38 second left). Then Jalen found Ridley for 31 yards down to the State 26. The Bullies had been blitzing in an attempt to disrupt Jalen and make him hurry his passes. They tried it one more time, and Jalen found Devonta Smith for a 26 yard TD to put the Tide ahead 31-24 with 25 seconds left in the game. And the defense was able once again to hold – knocking down not one but two Hail Marys to win the game.

Coach NS always says that every team needs to endure some “hard.” We endured some Saturday night. You knew coming into this game that it was going to be a tough one. It was in StarkVegas which is always LOUD (curse them stinking cowbells). And the Dawgs are a solid team who, if they play well (and they did) they are going to give you a hard time (and they did). On top of everything else, Alabama was severely weakened by injuries (and it showed). So, to survive this game is a great mercy. Especially considering what happened to 2 of the other 4 top ranked teams (looking at y’all Georgia and Notre Lame). So, there is grounds for rejoicing and that we shall.

But going forward, there’s no way to paper over the weakness of this defense against the run. The injuries at linebacker look to be far more damaging than we thought – and that is a dangerous (and potentially deadly) weakness. If it doesn’t vastly improve, the Auburn game is going to be unbearably long and hard to watch. We have turned into a Big 12 defense (ok, not quite) and that means the demands on the offense just got raised to eleven. It was clear from this game that the question is now, “Can we outscore the other guys?” And, as things stand now – that’s a difficult question to answer.

So honestly, the outlook for making through the rest of the season without a loss is pretty bleak. The odd thing (or not so odd maybe) is that getting to the SEC Championship (and winning that) looks like a far more difficult task than taking on anyone in the CFB Playoffs. But enough. Let’s not despise what we got. We’re 10-0, number 1 in the nation, and have a shot at the Western Division championship. Could be worse. Just ask UT.

Ten down and five to go.

RTR!

SEC predictions, week #11

We were fully expecting our second perfecto of the year, when Kenturkey blew a lead against the Ole Messes and lost their game – leaving us 8-1 on the week; missing a perfect record by 3 seconds. Sooo close. But you know what they say, close only counts in horseshoes and in getting off train tracks when a train is coming. Anyway, we ain’t discouraged. In fact, we’re all the more excited to get to week 11 – gettin knee deep in November-time in the SEC. Here’s what’s coming atcha this Saturday:

New Mexico vs. Texas A&M: It looks like Kevin Sumlin is simply bound and determined to get fired – and we think he’s going to accomplish that goal. Losing to the Barn last week certainly didn’t hinder his pursuit. The A&Mers have now lost two in a row and the only thing worse than that is what New Mexico has been doing (losing four in a row – talk about “lowbos”). But there’s always a silver lining – this Saturday, in spite of all their terrible play, the Agony & Misery boys will get their sixth win and be ushered into the golden land of “Bowl Eligibility”! And if they don’t, don’t be surprised if Coach Kevin’s ushered into the not-so-golden land of “Unemployment.” A&Mers win and Coach S. survives for one more week.

Kentucky vs. Vanderbilt: Vandy’s quest for BE (Bowl you-know-what) hinges on winning this game. If they win, that will mean that they only have to win one of their last two games (against Mizzou and the Rocky Flops) to make it. Kenturkey already has their ticket punched for BE-Land but they want to get eight wins this year – and their best chance to that is to beat the Commydoors and Louisville (at the end of the season). So, this game is a *must win* game for both teams (and y’all were sittin there thinking, “he’ll never be able to make this game seem important” – but don’t forget, you watchin an expert). So the question is, which one of these teams wants it most? Well, actually, the question is, “Which one of these teams will play the worst on Saturday?” And that is a tough question to answer. Thankfully, we got the expertise to answer the tough ones – and we think Vandy will be the worse team this Saturday. It’s tradition. It’s history. It’s just who Vandy is. K-Kats win.

Florida vs. South Carolina: It’s not often that Mizzou gets to beat up on a team as if they were Miss Audrey’s School for Cultured Young Ladies – but that’s ‘zactly what they did to the Alleygators last Saturday. Now, the Swamp Things get to travel to Columbia to face an angry bunch of Lamecocks (who lost a tough game to the G-Dawgs). Florida is being forced by the SEC to continue to have the names of players on their jerseys instead of “Anonymous” like the players wanted. But that’s not gone matter too much anyway. The Game Chicks are fired up, they’re at home, like ever-body else in the SEC LEast, they looking forward to giving the Gators a little payback for the last few years. And that means another sad Saturday for the Gainesville Kids. We’re sorry, but . . . nobody deserves it more. USC (east) wins.

Louisiana-Lafayette vs. Ole Miss: Well, we guess the reports of the demise of Ole Mess were somewhat premature. They just went up to Lexington and showed the rest of us that they could beat a basketball school by three points just about any time they wanted! Now the question is, can they beat a team that lost to Louisiana Monroe? Lafayette did defeat South Alabama last week to even their season record at 4-4. So, this week, Ole Mess will be trying to do the same to them (a win puts the Rebel-Land-Black-Bear-Sharks at 5-5, which will be their high-water mark for the year). It’s a home game for the Messes and we think they can pull this one out – and in the process show everone that they can get to five wins any time they want to.

Tennessee vs. Missouri: Welcome to the “Why is he still the coach?” game. The Butcher is still rounding up five-star hearts, practicing leadership reps, and looking for champions of life – and doing it while completely ignoring that ax hanging over his little round head. It’s truly a wonder. Enjoy it while you can cause, we’re afraid that this game is gonna drop that ax another step closer to “fatal level.” Mizzou is “rollin.” They have won three-in-a-row – something they haven’t done since Jimmy Carter was riding around on Air Force One (or at least it seems that long). The Trashcan Kids broke their four game losing streak last week – just in time to start a three game losing streak to finish out the year in style. Poor Butch. We love ya guy, but it seems it’s time to take a ride on that train that don’t issue round trip tickets. We tried our best to help – but we failed. Mizzou wins and amazingly, goes into the last two weeks of the season with a genuine chance of making it to Bowl Eligibility Land! Hoorah.

Arkansas vs LSU: You know, you’re in trouble when you find yourself 6-points behind with 2 minutes left in the game. But when you find yourself in that situation against Coastal Carolina you have been brought to that rare and once-in-a-lifetime position of being able to feel exactly what Hillary felt around 11:30 on election night last year. But the Pigs saved their bacon along with the job of the Buffet King by pulling out the one-point victory. LSU apparently enjoyed beating the spread against Alabama last week more than most teams do when they actually win a game. But, according to Coach O, they’re all set to really win a game this week and we think they will. At least, they’d better – or all that good feelin is gonna disappear quicker than a plate of fried chicken at Big Brett’s house. Tigurs their seventh win of the year!

Alabama vs. Mississippi State: Welcome to the annual Battle for Highway 82. The Cowbell Gang is all set to get another one of those once-in-a-century upsets on Saturday night as they welcome the Champs into StarkVegas. And, it ain’t impossible for that to happen. The Tide is hurtin with all the injuries suffered last week against the Tigurs – so the Bullies are facing them at just the right time. This is one of those games where you fear it’s gonna be tough and close and sweaty and smelly, but you hope it won’t be. You hope it’s gonna be 60-0 but you just know it’s gonna be 21-17 or something even unspeakably closer. This is a hard game every year, don’t expect this one to be any different. And since that’s so, that means that the Tide will win again.

Georgia vs. Auburn: If we play the game of “Who’s on Top of the World?” the answer would be the G-Dawgs without a doubt! They’ve clinched the SEC LEast and punched their ticket to Hotlanta. They’ve gotten first place in the first two CFP polls. And they prolly got nominated for the Nobel Peace prize and we just ain’t heard about it yet. They hotter than ghost pepper sauce in July! And now, they get to travel to BarnTown and face the Wargles of East Alabama. Gus is praying and hoping that he’ll have a job at the end of the month – but he’s gone have to win this one for that to be more of a possibility. The Barners will be fired up for sure, but we don’t think it’ll be enough. It might be close, but Kirby’s Dawgs will come out on top – just like they been doin all this year.

Do y’all realize that after this Saturday, there’s only two weeks left in the regular season? Time has that “gettin’ away from the police” speed don’t it? But that means that it’s time to step up yore effort for these last few Saturdays. No more short cuts. No more peanut butter or canned Nacho cheese (good as they are) – it’s time to go all out. We talkin steak and shrimps y’all! Go on and getchoo some. Y’all, it’s so good, it’d make even an LSU fan forget his troubles. All us here hope all y’all there have a great weekend – and don’t forget to pray for all the coaches that’ll be counting their “buy-out” money at the end of the season. Some will only be able to afford one private jet for this Christmas. Poor things.

RTR!

“We’re thunder buddies for life now”

Yeah, you knew this was going to be a big week for meltdowns, Penn St., Okie St., Ohio St., and Louisiana State! Oh, it don’t get no better than this.

Penn St. fans are still shocked and dismayed over being ambushed by Mitchigan State:

“THINGS THAT ARE GREEN AND DO WELL IN WATER:
FERNS, FROGS, and MICHIGAN STATE”

“I’m not nearly emotionally intelligent enough to unpack the emotions this outcome is making me feel right now. I’m gonna go stare at a lake in the cold and think about stuff”

“No one teaches us how to feel things in the Midwest. Then they makes us love sporting teams and let the chips fall where they may.”

“B1G totally pulled a Pac-12 today.”

“Four scariest places in the B1G:
Kinnick at Night
Beaver Stadium in a Whiteout
Columbus in a blackout
Michigan State in a washout”

“So the Big Ten’s hopes of making the CFP is handed to… Wisconsin.”

“You fell victim to one of the classic blunders – the most famous of which is “never get involved in a land war in Asia” – but only slightly less well-known is this: “Never go against Mark Dantonio in the rain!”

“We suck but we’re thunder buddies for life now MSU”

“Game plan to beat PSU: just throw the ball anywhere”

“Ohio State: “You play Wisconsin in the Big 10 Championship”
Penn State: “No YOU play Wisconsin in the Big 10 Championship”

“We don’t want Bama”

Oklahoma State fans have offense but no defense – but at least, neither does Oklahoma:

“Let’s start calling it Belam cause there was no D involved tonight”

“The state of Oklahoma has been forced to defund all defenses due to the budget shortfall.”

“The rest of the country: Gotta have a strong offense and defense
The Big 12: Defense? Where we’re going we don’t need defense”

“Still not the worst OSU loss today”

“The other reindeer made fun of Rudolph because he’s a sh**ty quarterback, not because he had a red nose.”

“One of these days I’m going to die of a heart attack watching Bedlam”

“Defense was so bad today the DoD is moving Tinker AFB out of state.”

“I have screamed more in this game than I have all season. I’m tingly”

“Hollywood Brown has “get away from the cops” speed. Maybe he can teach Baker a thing or two”

“Ran out of tonic water so I’m having to use my wife’s coconut la croix to mix. Not so good but still getting the job done.”

“Jokes on you Sooners, I EXPECTED disappointment!”

“I just want to thank both teams tonight, I lost 7 lb in sweat over this game”

“Can’t wait for fracking to finally sink our state into the earth’s core and we all die. Then I won’t have to watch any more Bedlam games and I’ll finally be happy.”

Buckeye fans continue to have their hopes shot down every time they get up. Sad.

“I CANT ESCAPE THIS HELL”

“Clemson: we beat OSU by 31! Unprecedented!”
Iowa: hold my corn”

“Kirk is challenging the spot up 4 scores…
KIRK
FERENTZ
IS
CHALLENGING
THE
SPOT
UP
4
SCORES”

“All these Ohio State fans already crying like this game is already over. We have a half of football and an explosive offense, if last week didn’t show you we’re never out of it, nothing will.
EDIT: Ok, commence the crying.”

“Hi, I’m Week 9 JT Barrett and I’m the second coming of Jesus.
Hi, I’m Week 10 JT Barrett and wait which color is my team wearing again??”

“Anybody else in Iowa City tonight be safe. This town will be the drunkest it’s been since last weekend.”

“I’d like to congratulate Iowa on being the first team this season to beat the spread by 50 points in a game.”

“OHIO STATE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED ABOLISHED EVISCERATED ANNIHILATED EXPUNGED ERADICATED EXTERMINATED FROM PLAYOFF CONSIDERATION”

“Iowa beat the Buckeyes so bad, they are now called AN Ohio State University”

“We call him Rural Meyer now”

“WORST LOSS TO A CONFERENCE OPPONENT SINCE THE TURN OF THE CENTURY. ONLY ONE CLOSE WAS IN 2004 WHEN IOWA BEAT UP OHIO STATE 33-7”

“cue ferentz contract extension through the inevitable heat death of the universe”

“Urban walks into postgame press conference and leans somberly into the microphone.
“I choose to live my life as a gay man.”

LSU fans are getting used to losing to the Tide (seven in a row) but at least they are excited that they finally beat the spread!

“I’m surprised some here are excited about a 14 point loss.I didn’t get to see the game but I’m damn sure will watch the re play to see what all the excitement is about. It must have been one hell of a loss because I have never seen LSU fans excited about a double digit loss.”

“I’m ready to ignore everything about the LSU football program and accuse Bama of being a bunch of cheaters”

“Imagine if LSU had a functional offense.”

“I am so tired of giving Alabama their toughest regular season game every year and always coming away with a loss.”

“They’ll never expect ANOTHER jet sweep”

“Name a more iconic duo than LSU and underwhelming quarterback play, I’ll wait.”

“we will never ever ever beat bama Jesus”

“CBS: Shows UA President’s Mansion
Me: Hey! I’ve puked in that front yard!
My Wife: Unimpressed”

Alabama 24, LSU 10

First, let us express our happiness over winning this game. It’s always a difficult assignment and anytime you can get away with a victory, it’s a wonderful thing.

BUT. . .

This was a costly victory.

And we may look back on this game as the key to this season – and not in a good way. Injuries have piled up as the season has gone along but Saturday night’s game was the most devastating in terms of injuries: Shawn Dion Hamilton (out for the year); Mack Wilson (out for the year); Minkah Fitzpatrick (pulled hamstring, a debilitating, nagging injury that is prone to recur – there’s really no way Minkah cannot play effectively until this heals and there’s no telling when that might be); Raashan Evans (ankle); Jamey Mosely (ankle) – ugh. The defense now has lost 4 out of its top 5 linebackers and will have to go the rest of the year with what will basically be an all-freshmen linebacking corps and probably without the best defensive back in the nation. Costly victory.

Offensively, the Tide was stymied for most of the game by the LSU defense (yes, the same defense that gave up around 50 points and what seemed like a thousand yards to Mississippi State). Except for the scoreboard, it was a tough night. But, that’s the way things always seem to go in this game.

The defense felt the loss of Minkah and the linebackers more than was evident on the surface. But they still played well enough to keep the Tigs out of the endzone after they scored to make the game 21-10.

An LSU team that lost badly to the Bulldogs and to Troy, played the Champs even in the second half – and for the game, they gained more yards and had more first downs. There were some good plays from Jalen, Ruggs, and Bo – but about the best thing all night was the punting by the MVP J. K. Scott, who averaged over 50 yards per punt. J. K’s punting kept LSU staring at a long field on nearly every possession and was as much a factor in this game as anything the offense or defense did.

So, this (like all the rest in this series) was a great win. But there’s no denying the sense of foreboding that now hangs over this team after all the injuries. But, hey, this is why winning a National Championship ain’t easy, right? This is tough, but what’s new? It’s no different than it’s been since 2008. It’s clear, however, that with Mississippi State and Awbarn ahead (both on the road), the Tide has its work cut out for them.

But then again, that’s the way we like it.

Nine down, six to go.

RTR!

SEC predictions, week #10

We thought we had another perfecto in the works last week, and then Ole Mess dropped a 28 point lead and lost to the Hawgs and the A&Mers somehow thought it was the first Saturday in November – losing to the Cowbell Gang. At Home. By a LOT. So, that left us with a 4-2 week (bringing our season record to 58-18). But in spite of this, as we often remind y’all, we’re professionals. We don’t flinch when the vagarities of cruel fortune befall us – we don’t even use the word “vagarity” when that happens. We stand up and follow the example of the Mullet King, Mike Gundy, and take it like a man. So that’s what we doing and all we ask is that y’all just sit back and learn some important, “five-star” life lessons as Coach Botch calls them (and, a course, we are all inspired by Coach Botch’s sayings ain’t we?). We got a big weekend ahead with lots of dreaming going on – and, as y’all know, lots of dreamin means lots of disappointment. Here’s what’s going down:

Coastal Carolina vs. Arkansas: Coach Brett was so happy over the victory at Ole Mess that he completely shut down the Oxford Golden Corral after the game. Yep. He did his “locust going through Egypt” imitation and wiped them out. Like Aunt Sister used to say, “It was a sight.” And now, the Pigs have an opportunity for a real Winning Streak ™ as they welcome the Chandeliers the Chanticleers of Coastal Carolina. This team is so bad Ole Mess could beat them. After winning their first game against UMass (hahahahahahahahahahahaha) they have lost 7 in a row (and these losses have come at the hands of “powerhouses” like Texas St., Georgia St., ULM, and, not to be ignored, the Western Illinois Leathernecks). The RazorPigs should be forced to play with one hand tied behind them and their shoestrings tied together. Then they’d only win by 3 touchdowns. So, Pigs win and keep their bowl eligibility dream alive for one more week.

Western Kentucky vs. Vanderbilt: The Commydoors have been waiting for this game for a month and a half. Finally they have the opportunity to break their 5 game losing streak as they welcome the Hilltoppers of Western Kentucky into Opryland. WKU has to be one of the worst five-win teams in the country – having defeated 5 of the worst teams in college football. Their three loses have come against Illinois (ugh), Louisiana Tech (yawn), and last week to Lane Kiffin and his fighting Florida-Atlantic Ocean Mighty Fish (or whatever they call themselves). So, Vandy better  win this one. The Doors still have a chance to become bowl eligible if they can get it going in the right direction. We think they’ll get ‘er turned around this Saturday. Vandy drops anchor on the Hilltoppers.

South Carolina vs. Georgia: The Lamecocks have turned things around since their loss to the Agony & Misery boys last month. They’ve now won 3 in a row (against the Pigs, Floppy Top, and Vandy) – so Game Chicken fans are excited again. Unfortunately, that excitement will end this Saturday. The G-Dawgs – or, oops, excuse us: THE NUMBER 1-RANKED G-DAWGS – are playing some real tackle football and are indulging in some gen-u-wine dreams of glory. They are eight-and-oh on the year and ain’t nobody slowed em down yet. And unless they’re looking ahead to their game with the Wargles, they’ll continue to roll this Saturday. Kirby’s boys defeat Coach Crazy-Eyes and remain Un-Dee-Feeted on the year.

UMass vs. Mississippi State: The Cowbell Gang is feelin good after whipping the A&Mers like they stole something. And that “feelin-good” feelin ain’t gonna go away this Saturday as the M-Dawgs welcome the “Minutemen” of UMass into Starkvegas. The Minutemen may be the worst team in the country. They started the season losing 6 in a row. Then they got a break when South Florida cancelled their game with the M-men because of the threat of bad weather from hurricane Irma. Given that reprieve (which would have been loss number 7), they have come back to win their last two games (against Georgia Southern and Appy St.) – all thanks to a hurricane. So, we think they oughta change their colors to orange and green and call themselves “the Hurricanes” for the rest of the season (or maybe “the Fighting Irmas”). Hey, if you’re as bad as UMass, you do what you can to make it fun. But this game ain’t gonna to be fun. The Cowbell Gang wins (and if they don’t they get kicked out of the SEC).

Florida vs. Missouri: And speaking of breaking losing streaks – Mizzou broke their 5-game losing streak against the “Vandals” a couple of weeks ago and have now won 2 in a row! Just don’t ask who they’ve beaten. But this week they welcome the Swamp Things – coachless, bedraggled, and forlorn – and ripe for an upset. And we think it just might happen. Mizzou can score. And if the Alleygator defense can’t stop them . . . well, decency prevents us from describing what will happen as a result, but y’all can imagine. Let’s just say that you won’t be able to refer to Gainesville as “Happy Town.” We’re feelin a special “upset” vibe and think the M-Tigs are ready to do something they don’t normally do – like win three games in a row. Mizzou wins and the Gaytor fans sink deeper into the Pit of Despair (we would feel sorry for them, but hey, it’s Florida, so . . .).

Ole Miss vs. Kentucky: The K-Kats got that big win over the Trashcan Kids last week and made it into the land of Bowl Eligibility ™. Now they have a chance to end up with a 8-4 record if they keep it up. We don’t know if they can do that, but we don’t see anything stopping them from winning #7 this week. Ole Mess has huge problems and they ain’t getting any better with time. They’ve lost five of their last six games and are sinking faster than an elephant in quicksand. Kenturkey on the other hand is fired up, in third place in the SEC LEast and feelin slick as greased ice. And this week they’re going to keep on winning. And that sound you’re hearing is the sound of Kat fans packing their bags for Shreveport!

Southern Miss vs. Tennessee: Coach Botch says his team needs more “leadership reps” – and unless that’s a new term for tackling drills, things don’t sound encouraging for the Vols. They have now lost 5 of their last 6 games (and the only reason it isn’t 6 of 6 is that they played UMass – hahahahahahaha) and now they face one of those dreaded “must win” games against the Golden Eggles of Southern Miss. USM is another one of those terrible 5-3 teams – beating five chumps while losing to Kenturkey (understandable), North Texas (not understandable), and UAB (hahahahahahahahaha). USM is so bad they couldn’t play dead in a Western movie. So, if Butch thinks things can’t get any worse, all he has to do is see his “five-star hearts” lose this game. If that happens, he’ll need to go into the FBI’s witness protection program. Butch needs to remember the maxim: “Nothing is so bad that you can’t make it worse.” We’ll probably regret this, but we’re going to go with the Rocky Flops and pray that they can pull off the upset.

Auburn vs. Texas A&M: And speaking of upset – that’s exactly the word to describe the A&Mers after last week’s beat-down at the hands of the Bullies of StarkVegas. Coach Sumlim apparently hates security. Just when you think he’s going to survive, he pulls off an unexpected and extremely embarrassing loss. Now, he’s got to pull out an unexpected victory, if he desires to save his job. And speaking of saving your job – what about it Guster? If Awbarn loses this one, all a sudden they staring a 7-5 season straight in its ugly mug. The Agony & Misery boys will come out with something to prove and, if the Barners can’t protect the ball, this could end up being a very unhappy afternoon for the Wargles. This is a tough one to pick but that’s why we get paid the big bucks y’all, we like it tough – and we think the Barn will escape with a victory in a close one.

LSU vs. Alabama: Finally, we come to the annual death-match between the Champs and the Bayou Boys. Every year you think that this game might not be as big as usual – and then every year it is. We thought that the Tigurs might not be ready to play – then Florida missed an extra point and ever body “caught far.” So now, in spite of losing to Troy, the Tigs come into this game riding a three game winning steak and ready to make it four in a row – and, more importantly, win this game for the first time in 6 years. Both teams were off last week (as usual) so both are rested and ready. The Tigurs have worked on some new wrinkles in their offense and will probably continue the defensive strategy that was so effective last year. They are ready. And they are not happy. They’re a 21-point underdog. But mostly, they’re tired of losing to the Tide. LSU fans are excited. They beat Florida. They beat Auburn. They beat Ole Miss. And they think they’ve “righted the ship” and now are ready to pull of a stunning upset. But, no. That will not happen. Y’all are all dreaming. And dreams will not help you come Saturday night. It’ll be tough as always. But unless the Champs commit a lot of turnovers, they’ll win this game – and if they play well, it will not be close. In other words, by late Saturday night, everything will be just like it ought to be.

Ok y’all, there ya go! Sounds like a first-rate start to the last month of the season don’t it? And all us here at the International Fan Headquarters are ready to go steady with Big Betty! Our plans have been made, the menus are set, our chairs are all perfectly positioned, and we got plenty of liquids in our systems, feeling fit and sharp as a doubled-edged razor blade. It’s fun being us ain’t it? Y’all have a good weekend and we all hope your team wins – unless, for some strange reason, your team happens to wear that ugly purple and gold and, in that case, we’re sorry, but y’all are gone have to get ready for disappointment.

RTR!

“I’m so mad I can barely tweet”

It’s Wednesday and that means time to commiserate laugh hilariously with at the big losers from last week. That’d be the Alleygators, The Horned Frogs, and the tamed Lions of Penn St.

TCU fans are so befuddled, they wish they were in the Big 10:

“Iowa State single handily eliminating the big 12’s chances of putting a team in the playoffs”

“This game is ending with a Hill pick”

“Kenny is a helluva Hill to die on, but by god Gary’s gonna do it”

“Run for the hills everyone, the Cyclone Apocalypse that we all feared has finally arrived.”

“Iowa State wins vs top 5 opponents:
1892-2016: 1
2017: 2”

When ISU is bad: “Oh god, why do they have to be in the big 12?”
When ISU is good: “OH GOD, WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE IN THE BIG 12?!?”

“Oh no Iowa State what IS U doing? punintendedImsorry”

“Maybe we can squeeze in one more penalty before halftime.”

“Baylor died for this.”

“runs same play with positive outcome: “Keep running it until they can stop it”
runs same play with negative outcome: “You can’t expect them to fall for that again”

Penn State fans were dreaming of a National Championship. Now they’re just having nightmares.

“If I die from alcohol poisoning before the second half someone use a ouiji board to tell me how the game ends”

“We are up 11 and I’m still convinced we are gonna lose this game”

“SOMEONE PLEASE I NEED TO KNOW WHEN THE WORLD SERIES BEGINS. PLEASE ANYONE”

“If you thought Penn State wouldn’t blow a 21-3 lead, you were Sorley McStaken”

“7-time Heisman nominee” JT Barrett.

Ohio St has been eliminated from playoff contention.
Nevermind.

“Nice to see JT Barret’s gonna get his doctorate in football this year”

“At least we don’t have to worry about who we’ll face in the playoffs anymore.”

“My team is ranked #2 and has an 11 point lead. I’ve never felt less confident.”

“DON’T LET JT BARRETT HAVING HIS HEISMAN MOMENT DISTRACT YOU FROM THE FACT THAT PENN STATE BLEW A 21-3 LEAD.”

“PSU Fan: I want to die”
Bama Fan: I thought you wanted Bama?”

But nobody is as sad as the Swamp Things’ fans. Lose a game. Lose your coach. Lose your season. Lose . . . .

“Florida beating Tennessee on the field and in a coaching search.”

“If you would’ve told me at the start of the season that McElwain was the first to get the sack out of all the SEC coaches in the hot seat, I would’ve laughed in your face”

“FIRE BUTCH MCELWAIN”

“Bring back the McRib”

“The Gators may not have scored a lot of points, but their performance was definitely offensive.”

“GUYS WHAT IF THE DEATH THREATS MCELWAIN WAS GETTING WAS A WARNING FROM GEORGIA FANS THAT WE WERE GONNA GET MURDERED IN JACKSONVILLE :thinking:”

“TIME TO GET OUT THE FLIGHT TRACKERS”

“Im about to destroy my liver like a girl with bad self-esteem on tinder…”

“Jim Mcelwain just sent himself a death threat”

“Ya know I hear this Urban Meyer guy might be a good fit at Florida.”

“When Charlie Strong gets the UF job that was his all along>>>>>>”

“Joey Swampwater lets *!*/*!  goooooo”

“Florida beat Tennessee twice in one year. First on the field, then to the carousel.”

“We just got Kirby-stomped”

[thanks once more to all the guys at Roll Bama Roll]