Well, how many times can we do almost this season? Once again, we had a glorious perfecto working until the G-Dawgs decided they let the Wargles beat them like an Apache tom-tom. So we end up going 7-1 on the week, bringing our season record to 66-20 (a 76% winning rate, but still that’s just “average” for us). So with only two weeks left in this season, it’s time to get it in gear and start showing our championship qualities. And that’s what we’ve decided to do this week. We start off with the cream puffs, cupcakes, and donuts and finish with some halfway legitimate games.
Wofford vs. South Carolina: The Lamecocks welcome the Wofford Terriers into Columbia this week for their annual grudge match (well, that’s a bit of an exaggeration – this is more like a pillow fight). And this year, the Terriers are flying high (or maybe Terriers would be more comfortable sitting cool, in a dog house, but whatever). The Woffords come into this game with a sporty 9-1 record (after whipping VMI 45-14) – with their only loss to Samford. USC (east) comes in, riding a whoppin of the Alleygators last week – which in any other year would be a cause for pride. This year, however, it’s nothing more than escaping the embarrassment that would come for losing to the Swamp Things. Anyway, expect a “dogfight” but we think the Game Chicks win.
Mercer vs. Alabama: The Champs welcome the Mercer Bears for brunch this Saturday morning. The Bears are 5-5 on the year – coming off a victory over Western Carolina. Remember, this is the team that only lost to Awbarn by 14 earlier in the season – so the Bears ain’t chopped liver (probably ground hamburger would be more like it). The Tide needs to win (of course) but it needs a game where the subs can play most of the way – allowing what’s left of the starters to rest and heal. So, the Champs come praying that this will be an easy game. If it ain’t, we’ve got trouble on the horizon. But this week, everything is fine. Bama wins.
Louisiana-Monroe vs. Auburn: The teams of September are not the same teams in November. And that is certainly the case with the Barners. They dismantled the G-Dawgs last week and may be the best team in the country this week. They’re looking forward to next week when they get an opportunity to ruin the Tide’s season by winning the SEC West championship. They’ll be looking forward to that game and probably not taking ULM seriously (but of course, that’s understandable). ULM is 4-5 on the year after beating Appy State two weeks ago. They are rested. They are ready. And they will lose in spite of that. But, it’s prolly gone be a much tougher game than the Wargles are expecting. East Alabama wins and starts saving their toilet paper for next week.
UAB vs. Florida: The Alleygators are so bad that they actually could lose this game to a team that quit playing football two years ago. Not joking. UAB comes into this game with a 7-3 record, on a three-game winning streak. The Gaytors are falling as fast as the Blazers are rising. They’ve lost five in a row and are praying for a bad storm to come so that they can cancel this game. Can they win? Yes. Will they? Wow, y’all ask hard questions! Yes. Maybe. We hope. For the SEC’s sake, we hope. And we’re going to say they will. We say it with about as much confidence as Hilary has in Donna Brazile – but we’ll pick them anyway – and if they lose, we’ll laugh at them.
Kentucky vs. Georgia: Ok, now we come to the more legitimate games and we start with the chastened and embarrassed, formerly Number 1 G-Dawgs (who just learned how hard it is to be Number 1). And they have to face Kenturkey who took the Commydoors to the cloakroom and beat them with a yard stick last Saturday. The Kats are looking for their eighth win of the season. But they won’t get it (at least, not this week). The Dawgs got their feelings hurt last week and will be in no mood to be friendly to anybody this Saturday. Dawgs win and it may not be close.
Missouri vs. Vanderbilt: Oh Vandy. What can we say? Well, aside from “Y’all are terrible!” but we don’t want to be mean and pile on. And now y’all got to play Mizzou – the Mighty Tigers – who just hung half a hundred on the Trashcan Kids. Remember what we said about September teams and November teams? Mizzou is exhibit #2. They have turned it around and now have a chance to win 7 games. They lost five in a row and now have won four in a row – and so go for number 5 this Saturday. And they’ll get it. Vandy is so nice and accommodating, they won’t stand in the way. Mizzou wins and starts thinking about the G0-Daddy Bowl (is that still around?).
Mississippi State vs. Arkansas: Big Brett doesn’t know where to turn unless he’s looking for a snack. But as far as trying to get his Pigs on the win-track, he’s apparently at a loss. The Hawgs are hurtin’ – longing to hear the Pig Lady sing again, but it won’t happen – not this week and prolly not the rest of the year. This week they have to face a greatly frustrated Cowbell Gang who let the Champs out of the trap last Saturday night – giving up two fourth quarter TDs to lose. The Bullies are not happy. And they want to finish out strong. They have a chance to win nine games. They’ll get number 8 this Saturday.
Texas A&M vs. Ole Miss: With their victory over the Ragin’ Cajuns last week, the Ole Messes evened their season record at 5-5 and now dream of a winning record. Dream on, y’all. The A&Mers almost got arrested for chid abuse last week, beating the Low-boes 55-14. And they are ready to keep Big Mo on their side this Saturday. Ole Mess needs to win this ‘un cause it looks like it’s their last chance to get to 6 wins on the year (next week they take on the Bullies). Sorry boys. It ain’t happening. Coach Luke will finish out his first (and last) year as a head coach with a losing record. The Agony & Misery boys continue their crusade to save Kevin Sumlin’s job – A&M wins.
LSU vs. Tennessee: Everybody has been looking forward to playing the Floppy Tops this year and now it’s LSU’s turn. The Five-Star Hearts have lost 6 of 8 and will probably end the season losing 8 of their last 10 (although, since they fired Coach Botch, they’ll have a fighting chance against Vandy). LSU continues to play better but the good news for them is they don’t have to improve in order to win this game. The Champions of Life are already looking forward to a nice quiet holiday season. LSU wins and (we hope) Coach O will get another contract extension!
Ok boys, we’re doing our best to finish strong here – but we can’t do it all by ourselves. Y’all need to contribute! Sacrifice! Give it up for the team! Be “fourth-quarter” winners! That’s what we all about. We know y’all have the desire. But “desire” is just Harvey Weinbaum – “winning” is Butch Jones being paid millions to lose football games in an embarrassing fashion. Be like Coach Botch who understands that having a “five-star heart” is fine, if you have a buyout. Y’all have fun and all us here at the International Fan HQ hope all y’all have a great weekend!