Welcome to Cupcake Week in the SEC – our annual tour through the FCS bake sale. There are so many cream puffs on this week’s schedule that y’all are going to need a shot of insulin just to watch these games (which, PLEASE NOTE, we DO NOT recommend). It’s a sugar high waiting to happen. So, this ain’t a weekend for amateurs, y’all need to leave this one to the pros – but that’s exactly why we’re here. We’re equipped to handle all this and will do so safely – so y’all go on about yore business worry free, knowing that things are in good hands. For the second straight week we finished 6-1 (thanks to Kenturkey deciding to give up on football for 2018). But despite the embarrassing showing by the MildKats, we still managed to raise our season record to a cool 73-18. And that means that this week we’re ready to do some work, y”all. We finishing BIG and fired up.
The Citadel vs. Alabama: The Champs try to smooth out a few wrinkles against the Bulldogs from Charleston. The Bullies come in with a 4-5 record looking to get to .500 on their season – and then get Bowl Eligible ™ next week against Charleston Southern. There have been more unlikely things than this happen in the history of the world – but we gotta admit nuthin’ more unlikely has happened in the last coupla thousand years or so. But you know, you shouldn’t make fun of “high hopes” or noble dreams and we ain’t. The dignified thing to do is to smile, nod, and smash those hopes and dreams into little, tiny shards of hopelessness. And we can do that. The Tide wins and starts to get ready for the Barn Dwellers.
Middle Tennessee vs. Kentucky: The Blue Raiders visit the Blue Kats at Grocery Store Field – and considering how the MildKats have played the past couple of weeks, this might not be a bad game. The BR’s have been on a roll recently. After starting their season with a loss to Vandy and following that two weeks later with a loss to Georgia, they have won 6 of their last 7 games (and four in a row!). At 7-3, the Raiders have a chance to have a pretty nice year. The question is, can The Turkeys get it together and win this game? If they can, all they’ll have to do is to beat up on the Easy-Rider-less Cardinals from L-ville to end the season 9-3. And for a school that ain’t been excited about a game in November for a long time, this is better than finding left over bacon after breakfast. It’s been a while since any Kentucky football player has had a chance to work on their tan in January (unless their momma and daddy lived in Florida. But this just might happen this year, if the Kats can pull this one out. And we think they will. Get out the Coppertone boys and pack them swimmin’ suits. K-Kats win.
Idaho vs. Florida: History tells us that the Vandals were a Germanic people that ravaged Gaul, Spain, and North Africa in the 4th–5th centuries and sacked Rome in 455 AD. The Idaho Vandals however, ain’t sacked nothing but a few groceries from the local supermarket in the last two decades. The only thing German about them is the German potato salad you can make with some of the potatoes grown on campus. We thought they gave up football for one of those Indian games you play running around with a stick trying to catch a ball that’s been stuffed with feathers. But apparently, that was just another one of those nasty rumors trying to make fun of the team with the most unapropos nickname in all of college football. But in spite of that, this Saturday the Potato Field Vandals will be in the Swamp ready to take on the Florida AlleyGators. And the Gaytors are fired up after their come-from-behind victory over USC (east) last week. They gone try to finish their season with 3 wins in a row (which would give them a nice 9-3 record on the year). And, if Feliepe Franks can keep himself from throwing the football to the other team, they just might do that. But truthfully, Feliepe could probably play blindfolded in this one and still be ok. The Reptiles win their eighth game of the season.
Massachusetts vs. Georgia: The Runner Ups get to play the Massachusetts Minutemen this Saturday. UMass ought to have to apologize to the real Minutemen for dishonoring the name. If the original Minutemen had been anything like these Minutemen, we’d all be playing soccer and saying things like, “By jove, that was simply smashing! God save the Queen!” In other words, we’d be very embarrassing to be around – which, a course, is basically like saying we’d be just like the UMass football team. G-Dawgs get to play the water-boys and the equipment manager and pick up their 10th win of the season.
Arkansas vs. Mississippi State: Wait. Where did this game come from? Did the Pigs and the Cowbell Gang not get the memo? Not that this is a great game or anything – but at least it has two legitimate football teams playing against each other. Of course, in regard to the RazorPigs, we’re sorta stretching it to call them “legitimate” – but hey, it’s almost Thanksgiving and Black Friday and all, so we’ll be generous. The Pigs are about to finish up one of the most forgettable seasons in the 20th and 21st centuries (2-10) – so this is a perfect time for the Bullies to take out some of their frustrations over last week’s loss. They might actually block somebody in the back this week just for meanness. The Bullies win and start getting ready for the Colonel Rebel Black Bear Land Sharks.
Liberty vs. Auburn: Finally, the Barners get to play a team that will let them score as much as they want. Jerry Falwell U comes into this game sporting a 4-5 record and after having given up a cool 62 points against the Minutemen (yes, those Minutemen) a coupla weeks ago – so the Wargles are pretty optimistic. Gus has had them practicing handing the ball to the ref after a TD and running back to the sideline doing that jumpy-bumpy-thang to celebrate. He’s ready to feel like an “Offensive Genius” again. And after last week’s debacle in Athens, we all can sympathize – the Guster is feeling pretty low. So, we’ve decided to start up our “Keep Riding The Gus” campaign again. It’s time to do everything we can to help him keep his job. Join us! Write the Awbarn president and tell how much you appreciate Gus: his style, his visor, his muttering “Somebody’s gone fire me!” while he walks along the sideline.You don’t find a coach like Gus ever day and that’s why we’d hate to lose him. He’s a perfect fit for the Barn. But he’s feeling so bad, we need to lift his spirits. We can’t think of a better way to do that than to give him another contract extension – so do it y’all. And you don’t even have to give us any credit.
UAB vs. Texas A&M: The A&Mers get to play the 2018 Conference USA West Division champs, the red hot, winners of 8-in-a-row, UAB Blazers. We halfway kinda looking forward to this one, just to see how good the Blazers are. They’ve already beat Tulane, Louisiana Tech, and Southern Mess, in addition to whippin’ up on Charlotte (doubling the Micro-Oranges’ score) so, they might be able to put up a fight against the Agricultural & Mechanical School of Texas. On the other hand, the A&Mers have chance to finish the season 8-4 – and that’s after blowing that lead against the Barn a couple of weeks ago – so they have something left to prove too. In games like this, go with the defense – and in this case, that means going with the Aggie boys. They ain’t all that great, but they are enough to stop the Blazers more than the Blazers stop them.
Missouri vs. Tennessee: You know it’s a sad week when Mizzou and UTiny are the “Game of the Week” on CBS – but, here we are. The M-Tigs have been bad, but unpredictably bad (which is worse). If you gone be bad, at least be consistent . . . like Vandy. No surprises. But Mizzou . . . Mizzou loses to Georgia, South Carolina, the Champs, and Kentucky, like we expected, but in the middle of all that, beats Florida . . . and beats them like they broke the Tigs’ favorite Christmas toy. That ain’t right. Now they have to travel to Rocky Flop after winning two games in a row and face a group of little Tangerines that have also won 2 in a row and only need one more win to get Bowl Eligible ™ – what the heck, man? Can the Tigs continue to play like they’ve played the last two weeks? Can the Shrunken oranges stop them and score themselves? Dang, y’all not supposed to make this stuff this hard! But, ok, as much as we hate it, we’ll go with the oranges – for three reasons: 1) they’re at home, 2) there will be grown men in the stands wearing orange pants, and 3) we don’t like inconsistently bad teams. Give us genuinely BAD or give us nuthin.
Rice vs. LSU: Now we welcome you to the “Don’t-you-dare-do-those-bad-puns” Bowl. LSU plays the absolute, no-doubt, bet the house, worst team in the country. The Rice Owls (and if y’all say “Who” you getting slapped as soon as we can get over there to you). Because Rice scheduled Hawaii they get to schedule an extra game. So, instead of losing 11 games this year, Rice has the privilege of losing 12. Now you know, we don’t care what they say, you gotta admire that. Their only win came in the first game of the season on a 23-yard field goal on the last play of the game – against (wait for it) Prairie View A&M. For one glorious week, the Owls were undefeated. Now, they are the worst team in C-USA and are destined to have the worst record of any team in the conference. They’re so bad that Rice-A-Roni has sued them for defamation. They’re so bad that the National union of red beans has denounced them because of the embarrassment they’ve caused. Even jambalaya and boudin are looking for a different ingredient. It’s so bad Uncle Ben is sorry he converted them. Shoot y’all, Korea is even offended over how bad this team is. They bad. And they ain’t gettin’ better this week. It’s LSU’s turn to steam em. Rice, it’s what’s for dinner. [ok, we’re gone go repent right now].
Chattanooga vs. South Carolina: USC (east) has three games left to try to reach Bowl Eligibility ™ – the Mocs this week, Clemson next week, and the Akron Zips the final week. They ain’t winning the middle game so that means that they have to this one or the last one. The Moccasins are 6-4 on the year, but don’t let that record fool you – they’ve lost their last two games to Furman and Mercer (not exactly whachooed call “Football Royalty”). So, this should be a pretty easy “W” for the GameChicks. And that means that on Saturday night, they can relax and dream about going to Birmingham in December. Congratulations guys. Y’all have fun. Visiting Vulcan. And going to 5-points. And viewing the steel plant from the InterState and . . . yeah, all that.
Ole Miss vs. Vanderbilt: The last game of the day has the Ole Missuses visiting the Commydoors. Vandy has something to prove (don’t they always?) after blowing a lead to Mizzou last week. But we liked the way they played. The Black Bear Colonel Reb Land Sharks on the other hand have not been impressive recently. They’ve dropped 3 in a row (two of which were at home) and now they gotta go on the road and beat a team that’s playing with some confidence. We don’t know bout that. We kinda like the Ship captains in this one. The RABBLS will be looking ahead to their 2018 “Golden Egg” Bowl next week and Shurmer should be able to get the Vandy offense into the end zone more than once. Yep, sounds like it’s gone be the Commydoors in a close one.
E-Leven games and not one of them fit to watch! But, y’all know what? It’s still fun being in the SEC ain’t it? And with only two Saturdays left in the regular season – we don’t need to be ungrateful. Ain’t nobody got it better than us. And you know, this might be the perfect time to invite yore friends who don’t know anything about football over to watch with you. It would be perfect. You could tell them that Chattanooga (or one of the other pastries) is one of the best teams in the country and then watch them sit in awe as y’all smash them into little microscopic pieces – while you sit back, with unperturbed equanimity and complement the effort and heart that the Mocs or the Owls are showing. It would be perfect. Showing such a level-headed, balanced spirit. Peacefully enjoying the finer points of a noble, collegiate athletic endeavor. No, wait. On second thought, y’all better not do this. Sure as anything the Mocs would score and you’d cuss and throw something and make your guest think you’re a psychopath. So, forget it. It prolly best just to settle in and enjoy another win. Cause, you know, next week y’all, it’s war.