SEC Predictions, Week #3

Well, last week was a tad rocky. We went 10-3 and would have had our customary “Perfecto” if Vandy hadn’t decided to win their one game of the season and UT hadn’t decided to go back to being UT and the RazorPigs hadn’t decided to have a Texas Steer Bar-B-Que. It coulda been lots better, but we understand. You have to take the downs with the ups and stick to the process. And so this week, we’re undeterred, bouncing back, playing the next play, and absolutely feeling the VIBE so strong it’s making our teeth rattle. So, hereya go:

New Mexico at Texas A&M: Well, the A&Mers squeeked by the Buffaloes of Colorado last Saturday, finally getting a touchdown in the 4th quarter, when it seemed all was lost. They did have an excuse though, losing their starting quarterback in the first quarter of the game – so we gone let em slide and give the benefit of the doubt to the boys from College Station. And this week, they will continue their winning streak against the very Low-bos of New Mexico. The Lobos (ain’t that a great nickname for a TERRIBLE team?) come into this game UNDEFEATED having whipped the preachers from Houston Baptist in week #1 and dismantling New Mexico State in that scintillating rivalry game that y’all completely ignored last Saturday. You usually hate to see an unblemished record soiled. But New Mexico is used to it. Jimbo’s boys go to 3-0. 

Chattanooga at Kentucky: Guess who’s sitting on top of the SEC LEast? You know it’s the K-Kats from the Blue Grass, dontcha? Who says Mike Stoops can’t coach? The boys of Horse Country are UNDEFEATED and now can’t wait to do some snake killin this Saturday when the Moccasins from Chattanooga come to town. The Mocs opened the year losing to Appy St. but they bounced back last Saturday whippin up on the Lions from North Alabama. Apparently, they get fired up against teams with wild animal nicknames which could spell trouble for the “Wildcats.” It could that is, IF Kentucky were still the “Wild-cats.” Fortunately for them, we have demoted them to the “Mildcats” and that discipline faithfully administered, will, we think, allow them to escape a horrifying upset this Saturday. Y’all can thank us later. K-Kats go to 3-0.

SE Missouri State at Missouri: Mizzou was the victim of the scolding Kentucky meted out last Saturday – and so this week, after crawling back home to Columbia in a badly scratched condition, they play host to the South-east Missouri State Redhawks. The Redhawks are red because they’ve started the season with two embarrassing loses (to Sam Houston State and Southern Illinois) – and they didn’t lose by field goals in either of those games. So, the M-Tigs will be playing the football equivalent of a bag of marshmallows. It’s gone get ugly. Mizzou wins. 

Tennessee Tech at Tennessee: The Rocky Flops demonstrated who they really are last Saturday losing in to Pitt. This week they get to play a team more on their level, the 0-2 Golden Eagles of Tennessee Tech. Now, if you’re looking for a bad football team, look no more. TennTech has played 2 games so far and has been outscored by a total of 78-14. That’s hilariously awful – but it’s even worse. Their two losses have come at the hands of Sanford and Furman. TennTech is the sort of team that would only be favored by a field goal if they played the Agnes Scott Chi Omega sorority girls’ flag football team. As we said, this team is more on the Little Orange level. The Oranges will score lots of touchdowns . . . or at least, they better. Coach “Stay Puft” gets his second win.

Alabama at Florida: The Champs actually didn’t look that great last week against Mercer – even though you wouldn’t know it from the score. This week they travel to SwampTown to play the UNDEFEATED Gaytors. This is the best matchup of the day and it might be/could be fairly close. Depending on the offensive line, depending on defensive breakdowns, depending on being able to catch passes, depending on who can pressure who’s quarterback the most, and a number of other things, the Tide could have their hands full. And if they make turnovers, it could be a big problem. It’s still too early to know exactly how good anybody is – but we like what we’ve seen from the Tide so far a whole lot better than what we’ve seen from the Alleygators. So, the Champs continue their undefeated season and Florida continues to be Florida.

Georgia Southern at Arkansas: Well, the Pig Lady was none too happy with Fan HQ last week, let us tell you. In light of the RazorPigs’ roasting of the ShortHorns last Saturday [and, by the way, let’s all welcome Tejas to the SEC, shall we? We hope y’all are excited about the prospect of going 5-7 every year]. Anyway, the Pig Lady demanded that we repent publicly of our guilty disrespect and so let us begin to do that rat now. The Pigs take on the Eagles of Georgia Southern in Fayetteville this Saturday. Here’s the skinny: GA Southern defeated Gardner Webb (by five points) in their opener but then were destroyed by Florida Atlantic last week. That loss was only the beginning of a season fraught with destruction – and it will continue this Saturday. The Hogs continue their magical season and go to 3-0.

Mississippi State at Memphis: Welcome to another battle of the UNDEFEATEDS. Neither one of these teams has been whachood call impressive in their first two games. But, as Jacksonville St. says, “A win is a win, even when it’s against a terrible team.” The Bullies beat a very bad N.C. State team and Memphis barely hung on to defeat Arky-State – so neither one of these teams has a right to feel confident. We gone go out on a skinny branch and pick the Dawgs of StarkVegas to win on the road. And yes, we know, taking the B-Dawgs on the road is like betting it’s gone snow in Miami – so we ain’t exactly confident ourselves. But we’ll stick with the SEC and trust the Pirate one more week. 

South Carolina at Georgia: The Game Chicks are 2-0 for the first time since 2017 and this Saturday they finally get play a team that doesn’t have a compass point in their name. After defeating Eastern Illinois and East Carolina, they now travel West to play the Dawgs of East Athens. But here’s the big news: If USC (East) wins this game, they will be 3-0 for the first time since 1928! Whachoosay, boyz! Unfortunately, it ain’t happening. The Roosters won last week on a last second field goal. There won’t be any meaningful last second plays this week unless Coach Kirby decides to flirt with one of the cheerleaders while the clock runs out. The G-Dawgs win and continue to stomp their way through the SEC LEast.

Central Michigan at LSU: The advice often given to bullies is to “pick on somebody your own size.” And that’s exactly what the Bayou Boyz did last week, picking on McNeese State. This week they once again listen to this sage advice as they welcome the Central Michigan Chippewas into Red Stick. Pundits, following the lead of The Fan in last week’s column, have questioned Coach O’s ability to lead this team to a respectable season this year. They already speculating about who’s replacing him and if he loses this week, he’ll have to have around the clock police protection. Central Michigan comes into this fresh off a very unpatriotic mugging of one of our favorite Founding Fathers, Robert Morris, last week. Others may not care, but we are ‘Mericans and we don’t appreciate those who treat our former leaders so disrespectfully. Tigurs win and in the process do their part to defend our country’s honor (and save Coach O’s job for another week). Remember, it’s bigger than football, y’all.

Tulane at Ole Miss: After losing a heartbreaker in the opening week, the Green Wave bounced back last Saturday to beat Morgan State by a cool 49 points and they still ain’t apologized for it. This week they go to Oxford city to take on Joey Freshwater’s Rebel Black Bear Land Sharks. The Oxford Old Ladies kept their opening game momentum going last week by handling the Austin Peay Governors in a manner most of our modern politicians richly deserve and going two-and-oh on the year. This could be a good game. Tulane could be much better than anybody thought. It could be close. It could be. But it won’t be. Ole Miss keeps it going – going to 3-0 on the year.

Auburn at Penn State: So Awbarn is UNDEFEATED – but it should be UNDEFEATED with an asterisk. They’re 2-0 and have defeated their opponents by a combined score of 122-10, and still nobody knows it they can win against a real football team (which Akron and Alabama State are not). Well, this week we get to answer that question. The Wargles travel to Beaver Stadium to play the Penn State Nittany Lions and the Wargles will have their work cut out for them. It’s their first *real* game. It’s on the road. And for the first time they will have to play against a team that can actually tackle. PSU will be fired up. It could end badly, but let’s think about it a minute. Penn State is a B1G team (and the B1G is perennially overrated). PSU doesn’t look all that athletic (i.e., a typical B1G team). But, most significantly, Penn State has the most boring uniforms in all of college football. Don’t get us wrong. We love tradition and we hate the crimes against decorum and good taste that Oregon commits EVERY WEEK. But there’s a level of “boring” that is intolerable and deserves to be rebuked. So, we gone do our part and pick the upset. Awbarn wins and sends the Barn fanbase to Buzzzerk City. They’ll set up a fund to erect a Bryan Harsin statue in front of Jordan-Hare. And the Trees at Toomer’s Corner will be assaulted by TP throwers. It’s sad. But hilarious.  

Stanford at Vanderbilt: You know, every time we try to insult and humiliate Vandy they just go out and show out don’t they? They kick a last second field goal and win in Colorado – making Colorado State the worst football team in America. Now this week they play the Stanford Cardinal (and please note the singular form of the noun – they ain’t “Cardinals”, the St. Louis baseball club are Cardinals – Stanford is singular. They say it stands for a color, but we ain’t buying it. This ain’t nothin but an attempt to intimidate. It’s like they’re saying, “All we need is one Cardinal to beat y’all. Just one skinny but exceedingly intelligent bird and it’s over for you.” And, let us say for the record, we admire the spunkyness). So the nerd bird is coming to OpryLand for a shootout with the Commydoors. And we wish we could say that Vandy’s last second victory was a turning point in their season. We wish we could say their first game was a fluke. If this was a ACT Test-Taking Contest, we might take the Doors. Unfortunately, it’s a football game and that’s a subject they can’t get a passing grade in. The Nerd Bird wins. And the PAC12 will act like they’ve become the greatest conference of all time. Again, sad. But hilarious.

Ok, y’all. We hope you have a great Saturday – and how could you not??? You are in the South (or at least you’re in the South in your mind); you got a grill; you got some hot sauce; you get to watch college football live and in color; and you ain’t a Notre Dame fan! It simply don’t get no better than this does it?


SEC predictions, Week #2

Well, aiight then, let’s jump right in just like we never missed anythang. We think we picked just about all the winners last week – too bad you missed it – but, we all set to demonstrate our incredibly consistent excellence for the rest of this season. Unfortunately, we got a whole mess of “We-don’t-give-a-dang” games – but don’t blame us, we just pick em, we didn’t schedule em.

Alabama State at Auburn: And we start off with a battle of the UNDEFEATEDS. Game #1 of week #2 pits the UNDEFEATED Alabama State Hornets against the UNDEFEATED Wargles of Barntown. ASU absolutely annihilated the Miles College Golden Bears last week in Montgomery – overwhelming the very expensive precious metal bears by a score of 14-13. The Tigers matched that feat by squeezing by the Akron Zippers by a score of 60-10. Bryan Harsin (the new Tiger coach) starts of his SEC career UNDEFEATED and everyone in Barntown is convinced that this is going to be THE YEAR. hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Enjoy being 2-0 y’all.

Pittsburgh at Tennessee: We couldn’t actually tolerate watching the Rocky Flops win their first game of the year last week as they drubbed the Bowling Green whatevers, 38-6. [We have sworn off watching teams that are named after lawn games, so . . .] Anyway, the Vols also have a new coach this year, Josh Heupel (who apparently decided that he wanted to look like the Marshmallow Man from Ghost Busters and gained about 200 pounds) and they too are excited. Maybe not as excited as AwBarn fans, but X-CITED. They take on the Pittsburgh Panthers who routed the Minutemen from U Mass last Saturday, 51-7 (remember, the Minutemen’s nickname tells you exactly how long they are competitive in a game). Anyway, whatchoo got here is two mediocre teams who played tomato cans last week, and the result is that neither of them have any idea how bad they are. We’ll pick the Little Oranges just because they are still in the SEC. But you know what, we won’t be surprised to hear that they lose this one. (And we’ll have to hear about it, cause we definitely ain’t watching it!)

South Carolina at East Carolina: Well, would y’all just look at the Game Chicks, wouldja just look at em? There they were last Saturday teaching EIU (that’s Eastern Illinois University for those who don’t follow great football) how to expect the worst when they go to play a terrible SEC team. And did they ever teach those Yankees a lesson! to the tune of 46-0 (handing the Panthers their 21st loss in their last 23 games). And this week they are gone try to continue apply the rod of correction to unspeakably bad football teams, playing the Pirates of East Carolina (who lost last week to Appy State). The truly amazing thing is that there are actually going to be a few people getting in their cars and going to the stadium to watch this atrocity in person. Personally, we’d rather watch Chuck Schumer dance with Maxine Waters. Game Chicks go to 2-0.

Florida at South Florida: The Swamp Things started the 2021 season with a rousing victory over the Owls of Florida Atlantic (shouldn’t they be the “Sea Owls” or something more Floridaish?) and this week they travel down the Interstate to Tampa to face the Bulls of South Florida (we’ll call them the “Sea Bulls”) who crushed North Carolina State last Saturday. Dan Mullen needs to get something going if he’s going to keep up with the Dawgs – so this is a must-win game for the Gaytors and we think they’ll pull it out. But please, just text us the score – we ain’t watching this one either.

UAB at Georgia: Yeah, da Dawgs are hot ain’t they? After beating up on what we think is a very ordinary Clemson team, da Dawgs are feeling like they on the top of the world. And we’re happy for them. Georgia has so little to feel proud about, it’s cute to see them optimistic about a season. This week they face the Blazers of UAB – who are supposed to challenge for the C-USA West division championship; they’re supposed to have a good defense . . . and we are already bored. UAB beat Jacksonville State last week. They will lose this week. The only thing interesting about this game is getting to answer the question: Can the Dawgs score an offensive touchdown? We think they prolly can. At least one.

Texas A&M vs Colorado: Everybody’s saying this is the year of the Aggie. Well, we’ll see. What we can say is Jimbo Fisher’s Agricultural & Mechanical team did get off to a winning start by beating Kent State last week, so they still got a chance to make the year memorable. This week, they face the Buffaloes of Colorado (who whipped Northern Colorado last Saturday). We weren’t impressed with what we saw from the A&Mers last week and we have no idea how good Colorado might be – so we just gone have to resort to our special Fan vibe gauge to pick this one. And we think the key question is, could Kent State beat Northern Colorado? We think they probably could so we’re gone go with the A&Mers in this one.

Mercer at Alabama: So we have another one of those “Please-Lord-Don’t-Let-Anybody-Get-Hurt” games. After taking all the hurry out of the Hurrycanes last week in Atlanta, the Champs return to Bryant-Denny to welcome the Bears of Mercer U. Mercer started the season last Saturday by beating something called Point University (which we thought was a ballet school up North somewhere) by a score of 69-0 (it was 42-0 at the half). The Bears ain’t had that much fun since the Spring of 1962 when they broke into the school cafeteria and ate all the Rice Crispee treats. They will not have that much fun this Saturday. The Champs will win but please pray for everyone’s safe keeping.

Texas at Arkansas: We’ve missed the Pig Lady (y’all do remember her, right?) and have wondered what she might be doing since the last time we saw her. She prolly ain’t singing any more considering how awful the RazorPigs have been – but we hope she’s ok. The Pigs escaped with a victory against the Rice Owls last Saturday so they are undefeated too. But we’re not confident they will remain undefeated after the sun goes down in Fayetteville this Saturday. Coach Sark is the head man of the ShortHorns and that means that they could be (and might be) noticeably improved over last year. They beat a fairly good Louisiana-Lafayette team last week. So, this could be and might be, a good game – either team could take it – but we’re leaning toward the Horns. The Pig Lady will be sad, but at least it’s not our fault.

NC State at Mississippi State: The Cowbell Gang was looking about as miserable as a team can look for the first 3 quarters of last Saturday’s game against the LATech-Bulldogs – but then, the 4th quarter came and it was like the Starkvegas city-wide cowbell alarm went off. The Dogs started playing like somebody was shooting them in their behinds with BB guns and came from behind to win a game that should never have been close in the first place. It’s called “the Mike Leach Syndrome.” Teams coached by Mike Leach do strange and unexpected things – like beating a team they had NO CHANCE of defeating and losing to teams that you’d think they could beat with both their feet tied together. This week they play a team that they should be able to beat playing on their hands and knees – so, it’ll prolly be a nail-biter. We gone go with the Pirate (as y’all know, we ain’t afraid to take risks) and trust his boys can pull another one out – and all the while we gone thank the Lord most heartily that we ain’t MizzState fans.

Missouri at Kentucky: Last week, the K-Kats beat ULM soundly (like everyone else who has played ULM over the past 2 years – but this year the Warhawks have Terry Bowden as their head coach, so this was a bit special). Mizzou beat Central Michigan not quite as soundly, but sufficiently for the score to look good in the newspapers. Now these two middle-of-the-road SEC LEast teams play each other to open their SEC schedule. We’re proud and happy for each of these schools and wish both the best as they compete in this year. But we couldn’t care less about this game. So we gone pick the Kats to win just because they don’t have to travel anywhere and can eat their biscuits at home.

Austin Peay at Ole Miss: The Fighting Joey Freshwaters had a nice win on National Tee-Vee this past Monday night against the Louisville Cardinals – and they did it without the Lane-man on the sidelines (he had a case of the Rona and was not allowed in the stadium). But Joey should be ready to go this Saturday against the Governors of Austin Peay. APU got off to a nice start whipping the Moccasins of Chatanoogy last Saturday – so they come into this one riding high. Unfortunately, the Governors are going to be treated this Saturday like nearly every modern politician deserves to be treated – beaten like they stole something. The Rebel Black Bear Sharks win their second on the season.

McNeese State at LSU: You can’t set yourself up for greater humiliation than Coach O manages to do these days, can you? How about mocking a fan of your opponent, calling their colors “sissy,” just before having their team give you the equivalent of a monumental wedgy on National TV? Hey now! The Bayou boys stunk it up in So-Cal last week and now have the opportunity to act tough against in-state, FCS foe, McNeese. This should be a massacre. But we’re talking Coach O here. So, get ready for the Tigurs to come out over-confident, unprepared, and go into the half leading 10-7 or something like that. They’ll win. But we’re already wondering how long the folks in Red Stick can put up with watching four and five-star, future NFL players play like a badly coached Pop Warner team every week.

Vanderbilt at Colorado State: This is what we do – we save the worst for last. Welcome to the Ineptitude Bowl. The Commydoors have never been whachood call “good” but this year . . . this year . . . well, we need a new term that means something worse than “horrendous.” Somebody said Vandy’s “rebuilding” – and it was someone we thought knew what an oxymoron was. Last week Vandy lost to East Tennessee State. And they didn’t lose on a last second field goal (which would have been horrendously embarrassing) – they lost 23-3. Twenty-three to three. Now, they play Colorado State this Saturday. CSU lost to South Dakota State last Saturday. South Dakota State. If you are tempted for even one tenth of a second to watch this game, you should be forced to eat the weekly special of “riblets” at Applebee’s for a year. Colorado State wins this horrendous excuse for a football game and we do not want to even think about this ever again.

Ok, that’s it y’all. Feel free to celebrate your favorite Prognosticator’s return (and yes, please, feel free to send gifts, monetary donations, and contributions – all of which will be accepted with our deepest gratitude). It’s fun being back. Eat an extra chili-cheese dog for us! RTR!

Well, whachoosay????

After being blocked out of our site for over a year, WE. ARE. BACK!!

Can’t say exactly what happened but we were locked out of our site at the end of the summer of 2020 and have not been allowed to log on since.

Till jus now. And we’re blaming it all on Joe Biden and Dr. Fauci.

Let us assure y’all that all our picks last year were eggcellent while we were away. Didn’t keep a record of each one but they were right around 98% of the time. Absolutely. Trust us. It was an amazing run – ending with the Champs winning another championship, just like we knew they would.

We got just about all our picks last week. Ok, LSU and Vandy pooted in the punch bowl – but everybody else did fine.

So maybe we can get the vibe back and running again (though we don’t know if we can get this new-fangled WP style to work right). BUT, it’s worth a try – and none too soon, right?

See y’all tomorrow.

National Championship prediction

Well, we didn’t do too bad on our bowl predictions did we? Howya like going 7-2? Awbarn would be absolutely thrilled with that kind of record. Of course it is thanks to the Barn (and the Cowbell Gang) that we didn’t have a perfecto on the bowls – but we refuse to be bitter. It’s a new year and only one SEC game is left for us and we intend to do ever last thang we can to enjoy it. It’s the Bayou Tigurs facing the Clemson Ugly Orange Tigers.

The experts are predicting a close game. hahahahahahahahahahahaha. They think Clemson is the best team. hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. They forget that the Ugly Oranges play in the Awful Crappy Conference. They forget that there is no such thing as an orange tiger. Ridiculous. And they completely miss what we never miss – ok, sometimes we miss, but seriously – we don’t usually miss the vibe. And we feeling that strong this week. So here’s the quick and dirty analysis:

Offense – actually, we’ve give the UOs some credit here.The Long Blond Haired Boy is not a bad quarterback and Joe B’s still playing good. Both offenses can score. We’ll say this is a draw.

Defense – here again, you got to give OTs some credit. They ain’t bad on defense. LSU’s D had its issues early in the season – but we think they have progressively gotten better as the year has gone on (thanks to Dave A’s hard work) and so we think that this is also a draw. No noticeable advantage for either team.

Special teams – Both punters are adequate, as are both kickers. The coverage teams are average but good enough. Not much separation here either.

So, y’all say, “it’s about even all round then, huh?” Well, yeah when you just look at the players. BUT, we don’t just look at the players. We go for the feel, we look for the penumbra, the latent power of the respective spirits of the teams. We reach for the vibe. And we think we got it.

LSU wins. And we don’t think it’s gone be all that close. The truth is that the only team in the country that would have any shot against the Bayou Tigurs is the Champs from T-Town.

And they know it.

Ever body knows it.

So, Clemson loses. And we will laugh at them.

Hard and long.

And we already looking forward to September 5, 2020. In JerryWorld. See y’all there!


SEC Bowl predictions

Time to go bowling and the SEC has nine entrants into the Bowl extravaganza. We’re gonna list them in order of the dates so that y’all can follow everything a bit easier – assuming you even care. Here’s what ahead:

December 27:
Academy Sports & Outdoors Texas Bowl: Texas A&M vs. Oklahoma State. Well, this wasn’t a great year for the A&Mers – they closed out the season losing to the East and West SEC champs, Georgia and LSU. But Okey St. did much better (at least in the last half of the season) winning 4 out of their last 5 (losing to Okey in the last game). So, ever body and his third cousin twice removed is picking Okey St to win this game. And, they might. But we gone go with the A&Mers just cause. And we think we gone be right.

December 28: College Football Playoff Semi-Final
Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl: LSU vs. Oklahoma. Somehow, OK got into the playoffs. We not all that upset about it (we like Jaylen and wish him well) but it’s aggervatin’ that a team this bad can get in when there were better teams out there (especially ONE) who could have gotten in if they’d taken care of bidness. But they didn’t so Okey gets the opportunity to get whipped in the CFP semi-finals against a much better LSU team. And that’s ‘zactly what’s gone happen. LSU goes to the finals.

December 30:
Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl: Mississippi State vs. Louisville. Now, here’s a bowl game for you, ain’t it? The Franklin American Mortgage “Put-Us-To-Sleep” Bowl. Ok, well, maybe not. The Cowbell Gang gets the opportunity to show that Joe-Mo is the man after all. They finished fairly strong (winning 3 out of their last 4) while the Cardinals flapped around going a much less impressive 2-2. We think Joe-Mo might have found hisself and finally realized how the Bullies need to play. And we think that’s gone be confirmed in this game. So, in spite of all, we might watch this un, just cause we love seeing guys escape certain death in highly unexpected ways.

Capital One Orange Bowl: Florida vs. Virginia. The Gaytors had a pretty good year, losing only to the East and West SEC division champs. And, they finished strong, winning 4 out of their last 5 (and should have won against the Dawgs). It’s amazing what losing a terrible starting quarterback can do for a team. By contrast, the Wahoos (seriously, get out with that nickname), even though they won 4 out of their last 5, got absolutely dee-stroyed in the Awful Crapola Conference championship against Clemson. And they should get the same treatment in this game. The Alleygators win.

December 31:
Belk Bowl: Kentucky vs. Virginia Tech. Kenturkey gets to go bowling! That’s what happens when you win 4 out of your last 5 games. The K-Kats take on the Hokie-Pokeys of VA Tech, who didn’t do too bad at the end either. After losing to Notre Lame, they won 3 out of their last four. So, this’s gone be a challenge for the Mildcats. But, you know what, we think they might be up to the challenge. They just might be ready to ride their third-string quarterback all the way to an 8-win season – which, for Kenturkey, is high enough to require oxygen masks.

January 1:
Outback Bowl: Auburn vs. Minnesota. The Australian Steak Bowl is where the Toilet Paper Throwers get to start off the New Year (too bad there ain’t an American Standard Toilet Bowl, that’d be perfect). And the Barners get to play the B1G’s Golden Gophers (really more like the Bronze Gophers – the way they played the last part of the season, losing 2 out of their last 3 games). The question here is, can the Wargles continue to get all the breaks and lucky plays, like they did at the end of the season? If so, they could win this game. If not, they will continue to be an embarrassment. But Gus “the Great” will still get a raise and (we hope) a nice extension to his contract – insuring the Barn perpetual 9 (with occasional 10)-win seasons. And we’re a big fan of that. So, we’re picking the West Georgia Jr. College to win and hope they don’t embarrass the SEC too much.

Vrbo Citrus Bowl: Alabama vs. Michigan. The Champs get to play in a regular bowl game for the first time since the CFP began and so, we’re all disappointed – but at least we get to play Coach Khaki Pants and his Ugly Helmets – so there is some interest in this game. The last two times the Tide played in non-championship bowls didn’t go so well. Nobody wanted to be there, and it showed. So, things need to change this time and we hope they will. This should not be a difficult game. Hairball’s teams are mostly “all hat and no cattle” and usually get exposed against good teams. They should be exposed in this game – in spite of the disappointment, injuries, and guys sitting out the game for the Champs. It’s time to show whatcher made of, boys. Let’s go get these guys.

Allstate Sugar Bowl: Georgia vs. Baylor. The G-Dawgs got their over-rated selves striped completely naked in the SEC championship game by the Tigahs as was completely just, right, and holy. This is not a good team – typical Kirby – and really, not nearly as good as he’s had the last couple of years. And the Dawg defense may be run ragged (if not run over) by the B-Bears offensive freight train. This should be an easy win for the Dawgs – but we’re afraid that they are not up to do what they ought. So, we with no-confidence and half-hearted conviction, are going to pick them and pray that they don’t let us down like they love to do. Kirby doesn’t deserve it, but the Dawgs eek out a victory.

January 2:
TaxSlayer Gator Bowl: Tennessee vs. Indiana. Well, would y’all just look at the Rocky Flops for a minute? Just look at those cute things! And they deserve to be looked at, y’all. Anybody who ends the season winning 5 in a row and 6 out of their last 7, needs some appreciation we think. And that’s exactly what Jeremy Pruitt pulled off – and he done it from one of the hottest hot seats we’ve seen in quite a while. So, let’s give the boys from Notsville some cred, ok? They deserve it. And as a reward they get to play one of the littlest of the Little Ten in Jacksonville City – the Indiana Whoosers – who stumbled into this game after losing 2 of their last three games (and only avoiding a three-game losing streak by a field goal). So, y’all know what? We gone go with Jeremy’s Little Oranges to win this one and we get to watch everbody in Hillbilly Land rejoice that “the Oranges are back!” Hahahahahahahahahaha.

Now, what did we just do? Did we pick every SEC team to win? Why YES. WE. DID. And we ain’t ashamed of it neither. A-course, we’re taking a chance on half of em (lookin at y’all A&M, Kenturkey, and the Cowbell Gang) – and you’re always a millimeter and a half away from disaster when you pick the Barn – but when the greatest conference goes against the rest of the world, you go with the best, right? So let’s go on and do this boys. Show the B1G and the ACC and the Big 12, whose The Big Chief. And we just gone sit back and enjoy it all no matter what. And we hope y’all do to and that all y’all have a great Christmas and a blessed New Year!


SEC Championship prediction

Well, here we go with the SEC Championship – which is unfortunately very boring this year, since the Champs didn’t make it – but we still do our jobs and our job is to give y’all the skinny on this game so that you can enjoy it as much as possible (and we know y’all’d rather be watching the Champs, but let’s all be nice and try to enjoy the game anyway). It’s Coach Eaux’s boys against the Dawgs of North Georgia and here’s how it breaks down:

Offense: Advantage LSU (and it ain’t close). What Joe Brady has done this year rivals what Dave Aranda did for the defense a few years ago. He’s given Joe Burrough a system that he can do well enough to win one-o-them Stiff-Arm trophies with. And that ain’t a small feat. Georgia will not be able to stop the Tigur offense – and, what’s even worse, they won’t be able to keep up with it on offense either. The G-Dawg offense has been a mystery this year. Jake Fromm has looked . . . “off” all year. Not sure what the problem is but whatever it is, it’s gone cause problems for North Georgia this Saturday.

Defense: Slight advantage Georgia. The Dawgs may be a tad better statistically, but not enough to make a big difference in this game. They won’t be able to shut down the Tigur offense and with the problems they’ve had on offense themselves – the defense won’t be able to win this game for them. So, just looking at defenses, you give a slight edge to the Bulldogs but, meh, big deal, it won’t matter in the end.

Special teams: Slight advantage to Georgia: Again, we give the nod to the Dawgs only because of 8-year senior, Rodrigo Sanchez (or whatever his name is, we call him “the kicking nerd”) – but y’all  know the guy. He’s apparently living in his step aunt’s basement in Athens while the rest of us try to figure out how to get him out of school. But until then, he’ll just keep playing. The only problem is, the Dawgs are gonna need a whole lot more than a couple of field goals to win this one. So, slight edge, but no big advantage.

The Vibe: LSU wins. LSU wins this one because they are the champions of the West (and the SEC West is clearly more manly than anybody in the East). LSU wins because they celebrate Mardi Gras and everybody has much more fun than anybody in Georgia ever has. LSU wins because they have a coach who speaks in tongues. And, LSU wins because Kirby Smart is becoming more and more obnoxious and creepy as the days go by and deserves to get his backside treated like a soccer ball. So, when you look at all the facts and statistics – and couple those with “the Vibe”, it’s obvious, ain’t it? LSU wins this game – knocks the G-Dawgs out of the CFP, and begins to focus on trying to win a Natty for the first time since Billy Cannon. And we say, “If we cain’t, y’all go on and do it and we’ll meet y’all in Red Stick next November.”


Alabama 45, Awbarn 48

Yes, we know that having a 10-2 season should not be disappointing. Right. We should be happy to have a 10-win season like everybody else. Sure thing. But there is a reason for our discontent – and, it’s fairly simple – we should have won both games we lost.

Ok, we hear it, “Typical Bama fans, always think they should go undefeated, never satisfied, they never admit to being beaten by a team.” Ok, we hear you. But you’re wrong. When we get outplayed, boat-raced, stomped, and stripped naked with nothing left but our thumbs and big toes, we admit it. But that was hardly the case in the LSU game – and it certainly wasn’t the case in this game.

Did we *deserve* to win? No. Should we have won? Yes.

We didn’t deserve it because of the terrible mistakes, giving up easy points, careless, undisciplined play, and the inexcusable (and critical) penalties that were committed. This game was typical in that these things have been a problem all year. The difference was, when you play bad teams, you can get away with them. But when you play good teams, you will lose. And we did.

And that’s pretty much the story of this season. Lots of things came together to prevent what should have been another national championship season: awful, crippling injuries in pre-season (losing 8 all-SEC/All American players is tough to overcome not matter what) and when you throw in the injuries suffered during the season, it is remarkable in that the team came so close to being undefeated.

But even with all the injuries, even having to play 7-8 true freshmen on defense, even losing a transcendent quarterback who was not fully healthy for the last half  of the season (and, of course, was lost completely for the finale), even with all that, if we could have avoided giving up points like a drunken Santa Claus and committing back-breaking penalties, and terrible turnovers (many of them completely unforced), this team would have finished in the top four in the country. And it was that close to doing this.

So, all things considered, we ought to be thankful.

And we are. And here are a few final things we’re thankful for:

We’re thankful to be fans of a team whose fans don’t rush the field and tear down the goal posts when they win a game. In fact, Alabama fans have never rushed the field after a victory, much less torn down goal posts.

We’re thankful to be fans of a team that doesn’t act like they just won a national championship when their record is only 9-3.

We’re thankful to be fans of a team whose goal every year is an undefeated season not just getting ten wins.

We’re thankful to be fans of a team where a ten-win season is a disappointing season.

We’re thankful to be fans of a team that the gives the entire country a reason to rejoice when they lose.

We’re thankful to be fans of a team that thinks in terms of having great decades instead of just having a good season.

We’re thankful to be fans of the University of Alabama.


SEC predictions, week #14

Welcome to “What-Used-to-be-Rivalry-Week.” Cross-state enemies used to look forward to this week and it used to be a week where you couldn’t predict the outcome (as they used to say, “You can throw the records out the window this week!”). Well, some of the records for these teams are such clunkers you might hurt somebody if you threw them out the window. Some of these games are still ok, but a whole lot of them have, let us be kind, lost their luster. But y’all know us. We go into each week with gusto whether we got a lot to work with or a little. This week we feel like the Israelites in Egypt. But we got what we got and what we got is one more week to demonstrate what we can do and we are dead set on doing it. Our 7-1 record last week, brought our season total to 79-24 (almost 80% on the year). Not bragging, in fact, we expect to do a lot better’n that – but a couple of disasters during the year have put us below our normal level of excellence. But, no complaining, especially this week – this week, we need to be thankful. And, we are.

Thursday, November 28:

Ole Miss vs. Mississippi State: We get the first taste of “WUTBRW” with our turkey on Thanksgiving Day. The Old Oxford Ladies travel to StarkVegas for their last game of the year – and none too soon. They have lost 7 out of their last 9. But the Bullies have not done much better (losing 6 out of their last 9) – so watching this game is sorta like watching two ninety-year-olds run a hundred yard dash. It’s a home game for the cowbell ringers, but to talk about any sort of “home-field advantage” in this situation is to ignore the sad realities of these two teams. Both are bad (really, really bad). Both teams have bad coaches (seriously bad). And both are anxious to get this nightmare of a season finished. So, who wins? Having seen both teams as little as possible (and we give thanks for that) we think the RebelBlackSharkBears have the best chance of being less terrible than the bell-clangers. Both teams will end with identical 5-7 records, the fans of the Ole Missuses go home happy while the MSDawgs start another coaching search.

Friday, November 29:

Missouri vs. Arkansas: The Black Friday Special is another boring “rivalry” game – this time between the Pathetic Pigs and the Terrible Tigers. If there’s anything that could possibly force you to go experience the purgatory that is your local mall, it’s this game. Last week the RazorPigs successfully extended their losing streak to 8 in a row (9 out of their last 10) by losing to the #1 team in the country. Not to be outdone, the M-Tigs lost their 5th in a row – but did it with a lot more flare – losing to the 198th-ranked Rocky Flops. So, let’s give some losing style points to the Black and Gold. Now they have to travel to Fayettevilliage (and y’all already know how bad the Tigs are on the road) to try to finish their awful season on a infinitesimally “high” note. So the question is: Can Mizzou avoid “Mizzouing” in this game? We think maybe. The Pigs are sooooo bad, surely they can’t lose this one, right? Well, frankly, no, they can. This team has brought “mizzouing” to a new and previously unimagined level. In spite of that, we will (naively) pick the M-Tigs to win this one while fully expecting to be disappointed again. [Editor’s note: Some a-y’all have questioned our use of “Mizzou” as a verb, saying that “it is a reference to a state, NOT a verb.” But we refuse to be persuaded. “Mizzou” comes from an ancient Acadian/Semitic root which means “to fail when everyone expects you to succeed.” It’s true. Look it up.]

Saturday, November, 30:

Clemson vs. South Carolina: Ok, now we get to a few half-way decent games. Beginning in Columbia (east) where last year’s National Champs take on the Game Chickens of USC. As bad as the Fighting Roosters have been this year, they will probably be the best team the C-Tigs have played. Sad. We would love to tell y’all that this is going to be a close game. But reality prevents us. The Roosters come into this one losing 4 out of their last 5 games (and when we apply the Vandy rule, that makes it 5 out of 5). Clemson is coming off a bye-week (yes, they actually scheduled an off week before this game – and that tells you all you need to know about their horrible schedule don’t it?). The obnoxious Orange team wins and if they win by less than 3 TDs, they should be dropped out of the top four. Oh, and we are thankful we don’t have to watch this game.

Georgia vs. Georgia Tech: Oh my, how rough have the G-Dawgs been playing recently? Pret-T-Rough. They didn’t look too good against the A&Mers last week but they pulled out the victory and hung on to their #4 ranking. If the Tide is to return to the CFP, the Dawgs need to lose. Unfortunately, that won’t happen this week – unless half the team gets the “I-feel-like-I’mmone-Die” virus and they have to play the cheerleaders. But even then, they’d still win by a field goal. The Yeller Jackets are simply awful – and prolly a lot worse than that. They did beat a terrible NC State team last Saturday (by 2 points) but otherwise, they’ve been so bad, they’d have trouble beating an egg in a bowl. All this means that the G-Dawgs pick up their 11th win on the year and start preparing for the Bayou Boys in Atlanta. And we are thankful that we are not ACC fans.

Louisville vs. Kentucky: Turkey week would not be Turkey week if the Kenturkey Kats weren’t playing would it? And they get to close out their season by playing the Redbirds of L’ville. The Kats reached Bowl Eligibility ™ last week so they won’t be sitting home on momma’s couch this Christmas. And speaking of Christmas, it’ll be a whole lot better if they can beat the birds this Saturday. If this was a basketball game, we might be innerested – but it ain’t so neither are we. Kats win and get another 7-win season. And we are thankful that we don’t care.

Vanderbilt vs. Tennessee: Did we say that we were finally going to have some “half-decent” games? Ok, we take that back. Here’s another game that ain’t even one-eighth decent. The Commydoors announced that they were hanging on to coach Derrick Mason for a few more years – silencing the rumors that they were actually going to start caring about football. By contrast, the boys from Notsville are going to be trying to finish the season with five straight wins. If they can do that, we’ll be tempted to change our theology – the day of miracles has not ended after all! To finish 7-5 after opening the season 1-4 will be the football equivalent of getting Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to become a Trump supporter. Heck, just the fact that Jeremy’s got the fans to a point where they don’t want to force him to slide naked down a cactus plant is pretty amazing. Vols win. And we’re so thankful nobody’s trying to force us to slide naked down a cactus plant.

Texas A&M vs. LSU: The Tigurs continue to ride high and look to finish out the season undefeated for the first time since Millard Fillmore was president or something like that. The A&Mers are looking for their eighth win on the year after falling to the G-Dawgs last week. One of these teams is going to get their desires fulfilled. And it ain’t gone be the boys from south Texas. Coach O’s fellers finish with a flourish. And we’re thankful we don’t have to translate Coach O’s post-game comments.

Florida State vs. Florida: And speaking of old rivalries that ain’t rivalries any more – here’s exhibit A: the Semi-Noles against the Gaytors. The Notes (thanks to scheduling Alabama State) are Bowl Eligible ™ but just barely. The Alleygators are looking for their tenth win of the year and a nice New Year’s Day bowl game. It used to be that this game was a toss-up. Not this year. This year is the year of the Reptiles (and we are thankful we don’t have to say that but once a decade).

Alabama vs. Auburn: The Barners have gotten to the point where they don’t care about a National Championship or getting an SEC Championship. All they care about nowadays is beating the Champs. If they can do that – ever toilet paper roll-thrower in Lee County will be so thrilled they’ll want Gus Malzahn to get a bonus and a raise and will be begging to pick up his tab at the Waffle House. It’s all that matters to these folks. The Champs, however, have bigger fish to sauté. We got to get in the CFP – and that ain’t happening without a victory this Saturday in TP City. So, whipping the Wargles is nice – whipping them and getting another shot at a Natty is nicer. The Tide wants it all. And that means this game is another loss for the West Georgia Cow College. And we are thankful that we are us and not them.

Ok, y’all, that’s a wrap on 2019. It’s been mostly fun and we ‘preciate all y’all’s kind words and gifts – well, we ain’t exactly got any gifts and neither one of our readers has said a word but we know that y’all have it in yore hearts and that’s good enough for us. No matter what, we’re thankful for both a-y’all. And we hope y’all have a great and glorious Thanksgiving. Enjoy yore turkey and the cranberry sauce and the sweet tators, and the bacon-wrapped green beans, and the hot rolls and the punkin pie and ever other thing that’s fit to eat. It’s a blessing to be alive and to be able to be a fan of real football – as opposed to whatever game that is that they play in the ACC, PAC 12, Big 12, and 10-12ths of the Big 10. Y’all have fun, thank the Lord, and root for the good guys.



Alabama 66, Western Carolina 3

Ok, so our prayers were answered (and for that we give sincere and hearty thanks). The game was nice and boring from the start to the finish. The margin of victory was big and could have been so, so much bigger. And, perhaps most importantly, there were NO serious injuries (believe it or not).

Mac Jones played well. Just fine. He overthrew a couple of receivers early on, but seemed to get in the groove after that and was accurate (though perhaps a bit late on a few of them – still, that’s to be expected with the small amount of playing time he’s had). So, no complaints. It’s gonna be a lot tougher this coming Saturday, but we’ll worry about that when it comes.

The defense was solid. Remembering that it was Western Carolina, it was still a pretty strong performance. After the first couple of possessions, the freshmen adjusted to the formations and did fairly well. It’s gonna be a lot tougher this Saturday, but, we’ll worry about that when it comes.

The kicking game was fairly consistent (we are ignoring the knuckle ball extra points, Bulovas kicked – they were good and that is what matters). But we must, must be more consistent in the kicking game or we’re going to get hurt next week. But, you know what? There ain’t nuthin’ we can do about next week now except try to get ready for it.

Tua was present – and that was encouraging. The seniors all had fun – and that was good. Around 70 players got to play – and that was nice.

But now it comes down to this: If the Champs want to keep their CFP streak alive, they must win this next game. It’s more than possible – but everybody’s got to play and play well.

One left for all the marbles. Go get it, guys.;


SEC predictions, week #13

Well, y’all knew it was coming and here it is, almost. We’re coming down the home stretch of another season – only one week left after this one. And, after last week, we need to regroup and get it back together if we gone finish up properly. Our record for last week was 4-2 and, after Tua’s injury it seemed like it was 0-100. We ain’t fully recovered yet. But last week brought our season record to 72-23. Time to take a deep breath and do what champions do – finish strong. So, here we go and, once again it is the annual “Cream Puff Extravaganza” for just about everbody. We all need a boost, but if you gone get it this week, you need to drink a Red Bull with yore scrambled eggs.

Samford vs. Auburn: The Barners have lost 3 out of their last 5 games and consequently, there’s a severe toilet paper surplus in BarnTown. The Guster (aka “the Offensive Genius”) has diagnosed the problem thusly: “We need to score more.” Yep. Y’all. Do. Thank you, Gus, for that laser-sharp, pinpoint, incisive analysis. And, we think y’all gone do exactly that this Saturday. The 5-6 Samford Bulldogs of the Southern Conference are coming to town and they are a very bad team. But they are willing to get the stuffing beat out of them for a big check. So, Awbarn gets their 8th win and passes out bumper stickers saying “Belk Bowl or Bust!”

UT Martin vs. Kentucky: Kenturkey gets a shot at Bowl Eligibility ™ this Saturday against Dean Martin Academy. The Skyhawks come into Grocery Store Field fresh off an 11-point thrashing of Tennessee State. So they feeling sleek, clean, confident, and powerful (and, they probably have grounds to feel like two of those four things). The Blue Kats are feeling strong too after the whuppin they put on the Commydoors last Saturday. But in contrast to the Skyhawks, they have no grounds for feeling this way atall (remember the Vandy rule). BUT, in spite of that, the Kats are strong enough to win this game – shoot, Alice’s Ballet and Dance School could beat Samford – So, y’all go on and make yore reservations for Shreveport and congratulations. Y’all have fun eating those $5.00 steak dinners.

Western Carolina vs. Alabama: The Champs have invited the Western Carolina Catamounts for brunch at Denny this Saturday. We have no idea what a “catamount” is but whatever they are, we do know they can’t play football. This is an absolutely awful excuse for a college football team. In fact, calling the catamounts a “football team” would be like calling Elisabeth Warren an Apache warrior. But, it’s probably good that this is so, since Mac Jones will be making his second start. Mac needs the game time reps, and so getting to practice against a team that’s so bad it makes your teeth hurt to watch them, is probably a blessing. The Tide needs to win this game soundly, with no drama or excitement, so that they can focus their attention fully on the challenge that awaits them on the last Saturday of the season in BarnTown. So pray for a big win, no injuries, and a very boring game – oh, and did we say NO injuries? Please Lord, we mean it.

Abilene Christian vs. Mississippi State: The Cowbell Gang started out the season by winning their first two games and looking good. Then Joe-Mo got his Mo-Jo working and since then, they’ve lost 6 out of the last 8. And more than one person in StarkVegas would love to stick his cowbell in places on ole Joe that cowbells would not normally go. So, thankfully (for Joe’s sake), the Bullies get to play the Christians from Abilene this Saturday. And it looks like they gone be just the thing to keep the StarkVegas Mafia away from Joe’s door (at least for one more Saturday). The Wildcats come in sliding down a two-game losing steak. But that ain’t even half the story. They’ve lost to the likes of Sam Houston State, the UnMean Green of North Texas, Lamar, and other unmentionables. So, they’re just the right team to allow the Dawgs to think they might actually have a real offense after all. They don’t, but we ain’t gone spoil it for them. We gone let them enjoy the fleeting pleasure of impossible dreams, cause Mean Reality will return soon enough.

ETSU vs. Vanderbilt: You’ve probably been sittin there wondering if there is a team that is worse than Vandy. At first, that sounds like a really difficult question to answer. But then you come to a week like this, with games like these, and all a sudden you realize, “You know, there’s a lot of  TURRIBLE teams out there!” Yes, there are and here’s another: the East Tennessee State Buckaroos Buccaneers. ETSU has lost to Wofford, Samford, Furman, Chattanooga, and even Western Carolina. Rumors are that they did beat the Chi-Omega Sorority Flag football team but otherwise, their season has been pretty much a bust. Before the season began, they probably had this game circled as a “sure win.” Vandy has successfully moved this from that category to the “might win” column.  It’s prolly gone be a nail-biter (ETSU is coming off a thrilling victory over Mercer) but we gone pick the Commydoors to pull off the upset and pick up their third and final victory of the year.

Texas A&M vs. Georgia: Ok, finally, we get to some fairly legitimate games. The G-Dawgs welcome the A&Mers into Athens for their next-to-last game of the regular season. And this is the kind of game that could be surprising. The Dawgs clinched the SEC LEast last Saturday so they could be caught continuing that celebration. They could be distracted about what lies ahead (i.e. the SEC Championship and LSU). They could be taking the game lightly. But here’s the thing: even if all this is true, the Agricultural & Mechanical School of South Texas still cain’t win this game. They’d need more help than Pete Buttigieg would need walking through Harlem after midnight. And the G-Dawgs ain’t gone give them that much help. They’re conscious of how precarious their position as #4 in the CFP poll is – and that will keep them from blowing this game. Dawgs win.

Arkansas vs. LSU: And here’s another game that contrary to all right-reason could turn into a tough game. How? Hey, there ain’t no reason under heaven for this happening. But, who knows? The Pigs could actually learn how to play football this week. They could complete a pass and – gasp! – score some touchdowns. Stranger things have happened, right? NAW. Nothing this strange has ever happened. And it ain’t happening this Saturday. There’s more of a chance that Donald Trump would appoint Adam Schiff Attorney General than that the RazorPigs could make this game close. Arkansas is so bad, the LSU Golden Girls could hold them to a field goal through 3 and a half quarters. Naw, it ain’t happening. Shame on you for being so undisciplined in yore head. Tigurs win.

Tennessee vs. Missouri: Well, we may as well close out the week with one of the worst games of the year. The Little Candy Orange Slices have to win one of their last two games to get Bowl Eligible ™ – and things couldn’t be set up better for them. All they have to do is not “Mizzou” against the M-Tigs or the Commydoors and a trip to Birmingham is theirs! The only problem is, Mizzou is in exactly the same position. They also need one more win to be BE ™ and that means that they have to win this one or their last game against the Pathetic Pigs of HillbillyCity. So, which one of these equally terrible teams gets the “W” this week? Mizzou is 5-1 at home and 0-4 on the road. The Rocky Flops have only played 3 road games all year (and are 1-2). Ugh. Choosing a winner in this game is like being forced to choose between Hilary and Nancy Pelosi for a dinner date. We’ll take Mizzou, but y’all know, we’d rather stay home than have to take them anywhere.

Ok, there is it y’all – another week in the can. And all us here are praying this Saturday will be lots more fun than last Saturday was. Aunt Myrtle did fine with the wings, but we all had heartburn and couldn’t find the Tums – so it was another rough one at Fan HQ. But we trying to learn to give thanks in all things so we know it’s all good in the end. So y’all enjoy the games, try to find something fit to eat along the way – and, if you are a Vandy or Arkansas fan, c’mon man, it’s time to stop it. Y’all need to have at least a little fun before the season ends. Pick another team for these last two weeks and walk on like you don’t care. As Jungle Bob used to say, “If you keep gettin throwed off a horse, you need to pick yoreself up, dust yourself off, and get choreself a motorcycle, cause son, it’s obvious, you ain’t cut out for horses!”