Well, last week was a tad rocky. We went 10-3 and would have had our customary “Perfecto” if Vandy hadn’t decided to win their one game of the season and UT hadn’t decided to go back to being UT and the RazorPigs hadn’t decided to have a Texas Steer Bar-B-Que. It coulda been lots better, but we understand. You have to take the downs with the ups and stick to the process. And so this week, we’re undeterred, bouncing back, playing the next play, and absolutely feeling the VIBE so strong it’s making our teeth rattle. So, hereya go:
New Mexico at Texas A&M: Well, the A&Mers squeeked by the Buffaloes of Colorado last Saturday, finally getting a touchdown in the 4th quarter, when it seemed all was lost. They did have an excuse though, losing their starting quarterback in the first quarter of the game – so we gone let em slide and give the benefit of the doubt to the boys from College Station. And this week, they will continue their winning streak against the very Low-bos of New Mexico. The Lobos (ain’t that a great nickname for a TERRIBLE team?) come into this game UNDEFEATED having whipped the preachers from Houston Baptist in week #1 and dismantling New Mexico State in that scintillating rivalry game that y’all completely ignored last Saturday. You usually hate to see an unblemished record soiled. But New Mexico is used to it. Jimbo’s boys go to 3-0.
Chattanooga at Kentucky: Guess who’s sitting on top of the SEC LEast? You know it’s the K-Kats from the Blue Grass, dontcha? Who says Mike Stoops can’t coach? The boys of Horse Country are UNDEFEATED and now can’t wait to do some snake killin this Saturday when the Moccasins from Chattanooga come to town. The Mocs opened the year losing to Appy St. but they bounced back last Saturday whippin up on the Lions from North Alabama. Apparently, they get fired up against teams with wild animal nicknames which could spell trouble for the “Wildcats.” It could that is, IF Kentucky were still the “Wild-cats.” Fortunately for them, we have demoted them to the “Mildcats” and that discipline faithfully administered, will, we think, allow them to escape a horrifying upset this Saturday. Y’all can thank us later. K-Kats go to 3-0.
SE Missouri State at Missouri: Mizzou was the victim of the scolding Kentucky meted out last Saturday – and so this week, after crawling back home to Columbia in a badly scratched condition, they play host to the South-east Missouri State Redhawks. The Redhawks are red because they’ve started the season with two embarrassing loses (to Sam Houston State and Southern Illinois) – and they didn’t lose by field goals in either of those games. So, the M-Tigs will be playing the football equivalent of a bag of marshmallows. It’s gone get ugly. Mizzou wins.
Tennessee Tech at Tennessee: The Rocky Flops demonstrated who they really are last Saturday losing in to Pitt. This week they get to play a team more on their level, the 0-2 Golden Eagles of Tennessee Tech. Now, if you’re looking for a bad football team, look no more. TennTech has played 2 games so far and has been outscored by a total of 78-14. That’s hilariously awful – but it’s even worse. Their two losses have come at the hands of Sanford and Furman. TennTech is the sort of team that would only be favored by a field goal if they played the Agnes Scott Chi Omega sorority girls’ flag football team. As we said, this team is more on the Little Orange level. The Oranges will score lots of touchdowns . . . or at least, they better. Coach “Stay Puft” gets his second win.
Alabama at Florida: The Champs actually didn’t look that great last week against Mercer – even though you wouldn’t know it from the score. This week they travel to SwampTown to play the UNDEFEATED Gaytors. This is the best matchup of the day and it might be/could be fairly close. Depending on the offensive line, depending on defensive breakdowns, depending on being able to catch passes, depending on who can pressure who’s quarterback the most, and a number of other things, the Tide could have their hands full. And if they make turnovers, it could be a big problem. It’s still too early to know exactly how good anybody is – but we like what we’ve seen from the Tide so far a whole lot better than what we’ve seen from the Alleygators. So, the Champs continue their undefeated season and Florida continues to be Florida.
Georgia Southern at Arkansas: Well, the Pig Lady was none too happy with Fan HQ last week, let us tell you. In light of the RazorPigs’ roasting of the ShortHorns last Saturday [and, by the way, let’s all welcome Tejas to the SEC, shall we? We hope y’all are excited about the prospect of going 5-7 every year]. Anyway, the Pig Lady demanded that we repent publicly of our guilty disrespect and so let us begin to do that rat now. The Pigs take on the Eagles of Georgia Southern in Fayetteville this Saturday. Here’s the skinny: GA Southern defeated Gardner Webb (by five points) in their opener but then were destroyed by Florida Atlantic last week. That loss was only the beginning of a season fraught with destruction – and it will continue this Saturday. The Hogs continue their magical season and go to 3-0.
Mississippi State at Memphis: Welcome to another battle of the UNDEFEATEDS. Neither one of these teams has been whachood call impressive in their first two games. But, as Jacksonville St. says, “A win is a win, even when it’s against a terrible team.” The Bullies beat a very bad N.C. State team and Memphis barely hung on to defeat Arky-State – so neither one of these teams has a right to feel confident. We gone go out on a skinny branch and pick the Dawgs of StarkVegas to win on the road. And yes, we know, taking the B-Dawgs on the road is like betting it’s gone snow in Miami – so we ain’t exactly confident ourselves. But we’ll stick with the SEC and trust the Pirate one more week.
South Carolina at Georgia: The Game Chicks are 2-0 for the first time since 2017 and this Saturday they finally get play a team that doesn’t have a compass point in their name. After defeating Eastern Illinois and East Carolina, they now travel West to play the Dawgs of East Athens. But here’s the big news: If USC (East) wins this game, they will be 3-0 for the first time since 1928! Whachoosay, boyz! Unfortunately, it ain’t happening. The Roosters won last week on a last second field goal. There won’t be any meaningful last second plays this week unless Coach Kirby decides to flirt with one of the cheerleaders while the clock runs out. The G-Dawgs win and continue to stomp their way through the SEC LEast.
Central Michigan at LSU: The advice often given to bullies is to “pick on somebody your own size.” And that’s exactly what the Bayou Boyz did last week, picking on McNeese State. This week they once again listen to this sage advice as they welcome the Central Michigan Chippewas into Red Stick. Pundits, following the lead of The Fan in last week’s column, have questioned Coach O’s ability to lead this team to a respectable season this year. They already speculating about who’s replacing him and if he loses this week, he’ll have to have around the clock police protection. Central Michigan comes into this fresh off a very unpatriotic mugging of one of our favorite Founding Fathers, Robert Morris, last week. Others may not care, but we are ‘Mericans and we don’t appreciate those who treat our former leaders so disrespectfully. Tigurs win and in the process do their part to defend our country’s honor (and save Coach O’s job for another week). Remember, it’s bigger than football, y’all.
Tulane at Ole Miss: After losing a heartbreaker in the opening week, the Green Wave bounced back last Saturday to beat Morgan State by a cool 49 points and they still ain’t apologized for it. This week they go to Oxford city to take on Joey Freshwater’s Rebel Black Bear Land Sharks. The Oxford Old Ladies kept their opening game momentum going last week by handling the Austin Peay Governors in a manner most of our modern politicians richly deserve and going two-and-oh on the year. This could be a good game. Tulane could be much better than anybody thought. It could be close. It could be. But it won’t be. Ole Miss keeps it going – going to 3-0 on the year.
Auburn at Penn State: So Awbarn is UNDEFEATED – but it should be UNDEFEATED with an asterisk. They’re 2-0 and have defeated their opponents by a combined score of 122-10, and still nobody knows it they can win against a real football team (which Akron and Alabama State are not). Well, this week we get to answer that question. The Wargles travel to Beaver Stadium to play the Penn State Nittany Lions and the Wargles will have their work cut out for them. It’s their first *real* game. It’s on the road. And for the first time they will have to play against a team that can actually tackle. PSU will be fired up. It could end badly, but let’s think about it a minute. Penn State is a B1G team (and the B1G is perennially overrated). PSU doesn’t look all that athletic (i.e., a typical B1G team). But, most significantly, Penn State has the most boring uniforms in all of college football. Don’t get us wrong. We love tradition and we hate the crimes against decorum and good taste that Oregon commits EVERY WEEK. But there’s a level of “boring” that is intolerable and deserves to be rebuked. So, we gone do our part and pick the upset. Awbarn wins and sends the Barn fanbase to Buzzzerk City. They’ll set up a fund to erect a Bryan Harsin statue in front of Jordan-Hare. And the Trees at Toomer’s Corner will be assaulted by TP throwers. It’s sad. But hilarious.
Stanford at Vanderbilt: You know, every time we try to insult and humiliate Vandy they just go out and show out don’t they? They kick a last second field goal and win in Colorado – making Colorado State the worst football team in America. Now this week they play the Stanford Cardinal (and please note the singular form of the noun – they ain’t “Cardinals”, the St. Louis baseball club are Cardinals – Stanford is singular. They say it stands for a color, but we ain’t buying it. This ain’t nothin but an attempt to intimidate. It’s like they’re saying, “All we need is one Cardinal to beat y’all. Just one skinny but exceedingly intelligent bird and it’s over for you.” And, let us say for the record, we admire the spunkyness). So the nerd bird is coming to OpryLand for a shootout with the Commydoors. And we wish we could say that Vandy’s last second victory was a turning point in their season. We wish we could say their first game was a fluke. If this was a ACT Test-Taking Contest, we might take the Doors. Unfortunately, it’s a football game and that’s a subject they can’t get a passing grade in. The Nerd Bird wins. And the PAC12 will act like they’ve become the greatest conference of all time. Again, sad. But hilarious.
Ok, y’all. We hope you have a great Saturday – and how could you not??? You are in the South (or at least you’re in the South in your mind); you got a grill; you got some hot sauce; you get to watch college football live and in color; and you ain’t a Notre Dame fan! It simply don’t get no better than this does it?