Alabama 48, Kent State 0

Well, it’s nice when everything goes the way it’s expected to go. Everybody expected Alabama to dominate. It happened. Everybody expected seeing a lot of freshmen, second, and third team players get on the field for significant playing time. That happened. Everybody expected a solid performance. They got it.

The only thing that didn’t go a planned/desired was the injuries. Damien Harris and Bo Scarborough both left the game with leg injuries (Damien’s seemed to be worse – he didn’t return) but, according to the Sabanator, everybody’s going to be fine, so that’s good.

The Tide had no trouble running or moving the ball, scoring on their first seven possessions – making the score 21-0 after the first quarter and 41-0 at the half. And with the defense playing like the defense can play, it was an early “good night” for the Golden Flashes. Good job all around.

Next week the Champs return to SEC play, taking on the Mildcats who captured a stunning victory over the Lamecocks in Lexington Saturday night. So we can expect a good deal more competition this coming Saturday. But that’s then. For now let us give thanks for the fourth victory of the season and be very, very thankful we’re not LSU.

4 down, 11 to go for number 17


SEC predictions, week #4

So, here we were sitting pretty, looking as good as we’ve ever looked (which is pretty dang good, y’all) with a perfect record on our week #3 picks, when the Lamecocks decide to up and play some tackle football and defeat East Carolina! And prevent us from obtaining an early “perfecto.” We’re confident it was done completely out of spite and in an effort to hurt our feelings – but, as usual, despite our disappointment we accept this misfortune with grace and give thanks for another solid week (going 9-1, bringing our season record to a much more acceptable 27-8), and once again proving that nobody, nobody, does this better. Accept it, ESPN GameDay. Submit CBS Sports. Quit deluding yourself FOX. You know you can’t compete. “Big Mo” just took up residence at Fan HQ – and, this week will only serve as further confirmation of that reality. So as much as we hate to discourage our competition, we can’t sugar coat it any more – y’all cannot win. Surrender now.

Kent State vs. Alabama: Hopefully the Champs will get to play some backups and recover from the nightmare at Vaught-Hemingway last week – as they welcome the “Golden Flashes” from Kent State into T-Town (and out of respect for the ladies and the chillren, we are not asking what that nickname means). The GFs come into Bryant-Denny off a big victory over Monmouth (which we think is a cave in Kentucky). But hey, they won 27-7, so you gotta respect that, right? Seriously. If you can score 27 points in the dark, shoot y’all, Gus Malzahn will be trying to get your quarterback to transfer! Don’t take these boys for granted. The Tide gets its fourth victory of the year.

Mississippi State vs. Massachusetts: The Cowbell Gang lost a heartbreaker in Red Stick last Saturday night – roaring back from a 23-6 deficit to lose 23-20 – so they’re ready to do some meanness to somebody this week. And, it turns out, that the victim will be the Minutemen of UMass. The fun thing about this game is that it will be played at Tom Brady Memorial Stadium way up there in Foxboro. This will be a great experience for Massachusetts. They haven’t had this many Mississippians in the state at one time in their entire history. For the Bullies, it’ll be like traveling to Afghanistan – neither group will be able to understand the other. Bullies will win but let us give this one piece of advice: If anyone offers to serve y’all grits – don’t accept. Just don’t.

Georgia vs. Ole Miss: The G-Dawgs have had some kind of year haven’t they? They may be the worst 3-0 team in the country (eeking out victories against Nicholls State and Mizzou) and will likely be playing the best 1-2 team in the country in the Ole Missuses. But they will have one advantage: they travel to Oxford at just the right time (while the Black Bears are still suffering from the “Alabama Hangover”) and so, they may be able to eek out another victory. But, we don’t think so. Chad Kelly and the rest of the Bears will be all ready to take out some frustration. After blowing two 21+ point leads – they will not be in the mood to show mercy to the Dawgs. Kirby Smart has gotten away with poor play for three weeks now, but that ends this Saturday – the Rebel Black Bears win and even up their season record at 2-2.

Florida vs. Tennessee: And speaking of teams playing other teams at the right time – what about the timing of the Clementines? They get to play Florida the week after the Reptiles lose their starting quarterback! Who says small citrus fruits don’t have good luck? We were all set to pick the Alleygators in this one but now, we wonder if they can pull it off without Luke Del Rio. On the road. Against a team they’ve beaten about 100 years in a row. It’ll be tough. In fact, because of all these factors, we’re going to go with the Clementines to squeak out a victory. If they win big, we’ll consider a nickname upgrade to “tangerine” status – but it better be impressive.

Delaware State vs. Missouri: Mizzou demonstrates that they know how to schedule a game after playing a tough opponent. Schedule someone like the 0-2 Delaware State Hornets (of the MEAC). The Hornets haven’t stung anybody in football (they even lost to Monmouth) and they certainly won’t be able to do much this week against the M-Tigs in Columbia. In fact, if Mizzou isn’t playing the cheerleaders by midway through the second quarter, they should be fined and placed on probation by the SEC. Mizzou wins and should be ashamed of themselves.

Vanderbilt vs. Western Kentucky: Some things never change. And there’s something comforting about that. Waffle House is always crowded when you want to go there. Chick-Fil-A always has dumb commercials. And Vandy is always TERRIBLE every fall. Imagine being a Vandy fan – and yes, we know, it’s easier to find a saber toothed tiger than it is to find a Vandy fan – but play along: No surprises. No expectations. You don’t have to worry about your niece scheduling her wedding on a Saturday during the fall. You can have quiet, philosophical discussions with the guy sitting next to you in the stadium during the game. Nice. Peaceful. No stress. Just imagine. Ok, well, back to business. Vandy loses another one and continues plodding down the road to the football equivalent of Mordor.

LSU vs. Auburn: Welcome to the Hot Seat Bowl! Here’s a game where, no matter who wins, both sides are going to be unhappy. An LSU victory gives more fuel to the “Fire Gus” movement down on the farm – and an Awbarn victory sends the “Exile Les” contingent in Red Stick into conniptions. And it works the other way too: If the Barn loses, the Wargles will take consolation in the fact that they get to hang Gus. If LSU loses, the Tigur fans will comfort themselves over the fact that Les is doomed. Meanwhile, we here at Fan HQ are caught slap dab in the middle cause we LOVE both these coaches and want each of them to get contract extensions! It’s a real dilemma. But, we think that the Tigurs are going to nail the lid on Gus’ coffin this Saturday. We hate to see the Gus Bus being pulled off the highway – but there’s no way to avoid it. The Louisiana Tigurs get the big victory (give Les and extension, y’all!). And Gus, we’re sorry to see you go, but please say “hello” to all our friends down in Division II.

South Carolina vs. Kentucky: Let’s talk about tough picks for a moment. We were all set before the season to pick the K-Kats in this one. But now, they’ve gone 1-2 on the year and look like a team ready to quit. We thought the Lamecocks would be 1-2 by this time – but instead, they’re 2-1 and looking like they might have some life under new head coach Will Musbecrazy. The Lamecock victory over East Carolina last week gives us pause. The 62 points the Kats put up against New Mexico State is making us a tad cautious about writing them off. It’s a home game for the Kats. Both teams desperately needs this game if they’re to have any hope of qualifying for a bowl game. It’s tough. But we’re going with the Lamecocks (and we’re not trying to make up for shunning them last week). Anybody who gives up 42 points to New Mexico State doesn’t inspire confidence. We expect SEC teams to have a  defense that’s stronger than damp toilet paper. Cocks win and keep their Birmingham Bowl hopes alive.

Arkansas vs. Texas A&M: This should be the best game of the day. The battle of the Undefeateds in Jerry’s House in Big D. The A&Mers are coming off their big win over the Barners in Awbarn – while the Hawgs held a scrimmage against Texas State. If they win this one, the Hawgs will come into their game with Alabama undefeated (only Alcorn A&M stands in the way – which means, they’ll be undefeated). A&M has been impressive. But we like the Hawgs in spite of that. Big Brett has got his boys hungry (and if anybody knows hungry it’s Big Brett). Hawgtown is beside itself with joy and excitement. Everbody’s gone be putting on at least 10 pounds this weekend. Hawgs win – and they all convince themselves that the extra weight looks good on them.

Are we having fun or what? Y’all! We’re having more fun that Big Brett at Nathan’s Annual Hotdog Eating Contest. This is the stuff ain’t it? Getting to enjoy SEC football, eating some of the best eats the world has to offer, and pulling for whoever Notre Dame is playing – son! that’s the very definition of FUN. And we’ve still got 3/4 of the season to go! So, y’all getchoo some good rest Friday night, get plenty of liquids in your system, and get ready to enjoy some games – and remember, if you happen to find yoreself in Boston, don’t eat the grits. We’re dead serious. Don’t. Do. It.


“We’re officially worse than Furman”

This week we have a veritable bonanza of melt for you and it comes from some of our favorite meltdown artists – Texas, Notre Dame, Awbarn, Ole Miss – and they do not disappoint.

Texas fans can’t believe they had to travel all the way to Berkley to get a very memorable loss – but, you know, they like to do everything BIG.

“Who could have possibly predicted that we were overrated at #11?”

“At the end of this year we bring in Saban. I’m tired of being $#@!ty. Aren’t yall?”

“New drinking game: drink every time Longhorns make you sad, then you die.”

“Tomorrow, I’m gonna drive to that vacant lot in town where the neighborhood kids play tag football. Then, I’m gonna toss a dozen 12 year olds in the back, put them in Texas uniforms and call them a defense.”

“If Buechele is hurt we burn and salt the field”

“Okay Texas Coaches, here’s you’re halftime adjustment. Pretty complicated, but achievable: RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL,RUN THE BALL, RUN THE BALL, RUN THE BALL, . . .

“If Malik is hurt I’m replacing this rum and coke with bleach and rope.”

“We just did that. We just punt the ball with less than 2 minutes left while losing. And I stayed up until 1:35 for this shit.”

“Fun fact! If you look up masochist in the dictionary it’s just a picture of a bunch of Texas football fans.”

“Damnit Charlie, Bevo didn’t die 14 times for this.”

Notre Dame fans came into this season with such high hopes. Just like every other season. But . . . .

“Brian van Gorder’s defensive philosophy seems to be “Bend and Break”


“To any people who are not ND fans yes it is normal for ND fans to be on suicide watch when we are down at half by 1 score”

“If Brian van Gorder is our DC at the beginning of next season I will root for USC for the rest of my life.”

“Our defense is as imaginary as Manti Te’o’s girlfriend”

“I don’t get enough joy out of ND football’s rare highs anymore to endure the perpetual constant nut-shots.”

“This is the purest form of Brian Kelly football. Raw talent, zero discipline.”

“You telling me you didn’t expect a run up the middle on 1st and 10, Van Gorder? Even though that’s LITERALLY ALL THEY’VE DONE ON FIRST DOWN ALL NIGHT?”

“Notre Damn could run a clinic on how to miss tackles.”

“We are officially worse than Furman.”

“I wish I wasn’t so Irish so it would take less booze to die of alcohol poisoning.”

Things are very sad down at the Barn. Awbarn fans are finally coming to the realization that Colin Cowherd is a false prophet:

“This is shite. I feel sorry for the defense, . . . They deserve so much better. When is our “run first” coach going to learn that our best bet to win is run the football and throw a pass deeper than 7 yards?”

“I’ll pay the gal at the waffle House 200 if she’ll piss on his grits tonight.”

“At this point I don’t give a frick about Petrino’s character. He could fall off 1000 Harley’s if he won more than lost and kicked nick sabans ass.”

“Great tackle on the guy that didn’t have the ball there”

“Our band members even look defeated.”

“We had a fantastic week of practice though”

“Gus has no direction for this team and he doesn’t need to be an offensive coordinator or head ball coach. Time to go back to division 2, 3, or highschool.”

“Screw the safety of the women at Auburn, bring in Art Briles. It’s just the women.”

“I hate football. Luckily auburn quit playing football a couple years ago.”

“Can anyone direct me to the exit to the Gus Bus?
sips bleach”

“Our QB makes me ashamed to call myself a white supremicist.”

But, as great as these have been, the trophy goes to Ole Miss fans this week. They really take losing hard.

“How to beat Ole Miss:
Step 1: Spot them a 3 score lead
Step 2: Watch Ole Miss implode
Step 3: Collect W”

“I have a horrible feeling that this is going to end up being the FSU game all over again.”

“Panic drinking begins now.”

“Hi, I’m second half Ole Miss, and I have Cable.”

“College football is a simple game: 22 men try to get a ball into the end zone for 60 minutes, and in the end Alabama always wins”

“If games were 25 minutes we’d be bad ass.”

“So do we get to complain for the next year about how Alabama just got really lucky?”

“Do I think we deserved this loss? Hell yes.
Do I think the officiating is some of the worst I have ever seen? Hell yes.
Do I hate myself after spending more than four hours with Verne and Gary? Buying a gun now.”

“When the Grinch stole Christmas, it wasn’t anger that forced him to give the presents back. It was love. His heart grew three sizes that day. . . Maybe…if we give Saban love, something he’s never ever felt before, maybe we can stop from shitting on college football.”

“Maybe, just maybe, if we get Saban to love as well, he’ll leave college football forever.”

[and again, our thanks to the guys at Roll Bama Roll]

This is Ole Miss

Alabama 48, Ole Miss 43

Hey, here’s an idea — why don’t we play really badly and do just about everything possible to lose this game, fall behind by 21 points with 2 minutes left in the first half, then get going and out score the other team 45-6 to take an 18 point lead with 5 minutes left in the game, and then give up a quick touchdown, lose an onside kick, give up another quick TD, and then have to get two first downs to run the last 3 minutes off the clock to preserve the victory? Whaddaya say? Sound like fun?

No. The answer to that question is no. But apparently, that’s exactly what was ordained for Alabama on September 17, 2016, in Oxford, Mississippi. And it wasn’t pleasant (please remember that we think it’s a “tight” game when we only win by three touchdowns). We’re sure everybody else liked it fine. But we like a whole lot more space between us and them — this one was way too close for our taste.

There is something about playing Ole Miss that brings out the worst in the Tide. Breakdowns, sacks, our guys running into each other, their guys blind-siding our quarterback, fumbles returned for TDs, you name it. Think of the worst thing that could happen and it’ll probably happen against the Black Bears. The last two years have been maddening. And this year was no different.

Ole Miss received the opening kickoff and proceeded to walk down the field for an easy TD. “Oh no,” we said, “not again.”

Alabama received the kick and proceeded to march down the field but then Jalen Hurts overthrew the tight end by about 5 feet when he was WIDE OPEN in the endzone and the Tide had to settle for a field goal. “Ok, we’re ok, things will be fine,” we said, doubting every word.

And then it got worse.

Alabama moved the ball but couldn’t score while Chad Kelly was throwing the ball into double coverage, with our d-backs draped all over his receivers, and yet, somehow, his receivers came down with the ball. Then there was the inevitable, horrible breakdown in the secondary which gave the Black Bears a long (63 yard), easy TD, making the score, 17-3.

And then it got worse.

On the next series, our right tackle slid the wrong way, giving the Ole Miss corner back the opportunity to imitate a heat-seeking missile and drill Jalen Hurt while he was looking the other way (it was roughly the equivalent of standing on the railroad track and getting blind-sided by a locomotive). Hurts fumbled and Ole Miss’ John Youngblood picked up the ball, ran it in for 44 yards for another TD, making the score 24-3 with 2:57 left in the first half.

There are moments in life when you have to make a decision: Are you going to pick yourself up and get back in the game, or are you going to decide to pack up and go to the beach? Every year, there is a point where you can tell if the team has the “stuff” to play for the championship. With 2:57 left in the first half, in Oxford, Mississippi, the Tide stared one of these points straight in its big, ugly face. What will it be: Play ball or do a Florida State impersonation?

Thankfully, the Tide decided to play some tackle football. And for the next 27 minutes or so, outscored the Rebs 45-6, to take an 18 point lead with 5 minutes left in the game. Good. Game over. Right?

Wrong. This is Ole Miss. This is Ole Miss with all the warlocks, witches, fairies, leprechauns, and imps from hell helping them. Once again, Chad Kelly led the Rebs down the field to score with 2:59 left. The score was 48-37, still good, right?

Wrong. Ole Miss kicked an onside kick. It looked just like any other onside kick until it became demon possessed and leaped over Calvin Ridley’s head into the hands of a Black Bear at the Alabama 37. From whence Chad Kelly lofted a pass into the hands of a leaping A. J. Brown, to make the score 48-43 with 2:51 left in the game (oh, and the Rebs still had all three of their timeouts). Crap.

But thankfully, at this point, the universe returned to some semblance of order  – and none too soon. Their two-point conversion failed and Ole Miss decided they had plenty of time to stop the Tide and get the ball back for one final TD – but, finally, they were wrong. The Tide was able to run out the clock with a couple of first downs (not, however, before Bo Scarborough fumbled the ball – but Bradley Bozeman recovered to prevent another potentially fatal situation).

So, we escaped from the haunted house with a victory – and are most heartily thankful for it, in spite of the fact that it probably cut another five years off our lifetimes. And so now, with joy, we will send Chad Kelly flowers and wish him well in the NFL. Good bye. So long. Have a nice life. Just don’t let us see you ever again.

3 down, 12 to go.



SEC predictions, week #3

Now you see, that’s what you call bouncing back. Coming off an “LSU” week (7-6) to go 11-1 (bringing our season record to 18-7) makes us feel like we’ve righted the ship and are sailing with our usual flair and aplomb into championship waters again (and the fact that we just got to use the word “aplomb” makes us feel even better!). The fact that our only miss was the Pigs whipping the Horn Frogs, doesn’t faze us in the least – we congratulate Big Brett and gladly lose our perfect record to allow them that upset (and to prove that we’ve truly repented of our lack of confidence in the Hawgs, we’re self-imposing a BBQ ban for this coming Saturday – which to us, is almost like having to crawl over broken glass to Fayetteville, it’s painful, son). This week we begin to get some nice SEC vs SEC matchups – in other words, “Big Boy” football is getting underway in earnest. And y’all have come to the right place to learn all about it. Here’s what’s happening this Saturday:

Ohio vs. Tennessee: The Ohio Bobcats visit Rocky Flop to play the Clementines who got their first semi-legitimate win last week at the race track. Ohio comes into this one all excited. After losing in triple overtime to the Texas State Bobcats in their first game (proving that Texas bobcats are clearly superior to the Ohio ones) they rebounded last Saturday to defeat the pathetic Kansas Jayhawks of the laughable “Big Midwest/East Coast 10” (which, for some inexplicable reason continues to refer to itself as the “Big 12”). This week closes out UT’s exhibition schedule (next week they finally play a real football team) and it looks like they’re going to end up 3-0. But one thing they won’t get this week is a nickname upgrade.

Vanderbilt vs. Georgia Tech: Did y’all hear that Vandy scored 47 points last week? Yeah, so did we. And we checked and sho nuff, they actually did it! We didn’t care enough to check out how they did it, but we did confirm that the rumor was actually true. Now, they have to go to Hotlanta and play the undefeated Yellowjackets. We don’t think G-Tech is a very good team, in spite of their 2-0 record. But we know that Vandy is terrible. So, unless they can figure out how to exchange airline reward points for touchdowns, Vandy loses this one – and waves goodbye to their .500 record (which they will not see again this season). The Commydoors continue their long, slow march into football oblivion.

East Carolina vs. South Carolina: We tried to warn the Lamecocks about overconfidence (and that fact alone proves both our unwarranted confidence in our ability to persuade as well as the invincible delusions of teams named after roosters when they happen to gain a victory over a horrible team) but our warning fell on deaf ears (roosters do have ears, right?) and so, USC (east) lost to the Cowbell Gang last week in StarkVegas. Now, they have to play the undefeated Pirates of East Carolina who won a tight game against North Carolina State last week. If there is any hope of a .500 season, the Cocks have to win this one – which means, of course, that they will say “goodbye” to the .500 season. Lame is as lame does. Pirates win again.

New Mexico State vs. Kentucky: This is another sad season for the K-Kats (beginning 0-2 ain’t exactly the best way to build up excitement and confidence) – BUT this Saturday, this Saturday y’all, the Kats have one of those rare opportunities to outscore their opponent. The excitement cannot possibly be higher – unless you have the opportunity to watch the annual Midwest Quilting Bee on the Outdoor Channel (which, compared to this game, will be nail biter). The Aggies are coming off their annual intrastate battle with New Mexico – which they won by one point! – and they’ll still be thinking about that one this Saturday which will give the Kats enough of an advantage to pull out the huge upset and earn Mark Stoops a Gatorade shower.

Mississippi State vs. LSU: Well, let’s all join LSU fans in celebrating the arrival of a gen-u-wine quarterback in Red Stick City and gaining that tremendous victory over an FCS team! Whachallsay boys! Happy days are here again! And the conquering hero was Danny Etling – former qb at that legendary football powerhouse, Purdue (ok, we’re being a tad mean, but seriously, we’re happy that Tigur fans have something to cheer about and especially glad that Les has done something to please them). Danny-boy did well against Jack State last week so this week we get to see how he does against the defensive backfield of the Bullies. He will prolly have some good moments and bad, but we think he’ll be able to do enough (with the L-Train’s help) to capture another victory for the Lester as he works toward getting another contract extension – and we are shamelessly pulling for our favorite coach to accomplish this goal! Go Tigurs! Get Les a new contract!

Texas A&M vs. Auburn: The Barn actually celebrated their victory over Arkansas State as if they’d won their 3rd National Championship. We’re happy for them. It’s cute watching people celebrate a victory over a Sun Belt conference team that lost to Toledo the week before. Just precious. But this week, they host the undefeated A&Mers – who are coming off a nuking of Prairie View A&M last week. It was such a bad beating that the World Council of Churches rebuked them for their lack of mercy. The Awbarn defense was pretty good against Clemson, but the question is, are they that good or was Clemson just not playing well? (we think the latter considering what Clemson did last Saturday) In any case, this could be a pretty good game but we think the A&Mers have just enough to get their third win of 2016.

North Texas vs. Florida: The Swamp Things continue their series of practice games this Saturday, taking on the “Not-so-mean” Green of North Texas. The “Unmean” Green are coming off a 41-20 victory over Bethune Cookman (and the mere fact that Bethune Cookman was able to score 20 points tells you all you need to know about N. Texas). The Alleygators continue to beat up on the little sisters of the poor to run their season record to 3-0.

Texas State vs. Arkansas: Well, let’s talk some Hawg Football y’all! Where is that Pig-Lady when she has a real reason to sing? The RazorPigs are riding high after their upset of TCU last week and if you ask us, they’ve earned the right. Big Brett is putting a lot of stress on the “all-you-can-eat” buffets in Fayetteville and we’re happy for him. This week they get to practice against the Bobcats of Texas State (who, remember put a whoopin on the Bobcats of Ohio earlier) and they’ll show that wild hogs are much more dangerous than Bobcats, no matter where they’re from. Everbody down at the Golden Corral needs to get ready – Big Brett’s coming.

Georgia vs. Missouri: While Georgia was trying to fight and claw to defeat Nicholls State last Saturday, Mizzou was beating Eastern Michigan like they stole something. So, if the Dawgs play like they did last week they could be in for a very sad afternoon. But we think they’ll put it together this week. Nick Chubb and Jason Eason will get it going and the M-Tigs won’t be able to keep up. Dawgs  get their 3rd victory on the season and start acting like they’ve got plans for the rest of the season.

Alabama vs. Ole Miss: No team has ever beaten a Nick Saban coached team three times in a row. But the Rebel Black Bears have the opportunity to do just that this Saturday in Oxford town. It’s hard to know who the Black Bears are. Are they the team that played in the first half against Florida State? If that team shows up, the Champs will have their hands full. But if they are the team that played the second half against Florida State, that’s a whole different story. This game has been determined the last two years by turnovers (specifically Alabama turnovers). If the Tide can avoid fumbles, interceptions, and giving up easy TDs, we think they can win and stop this terrible, unspeakable, indescribably evil streak. But, if they continue to fumble, etc. – they could easily lose again. So, what’ll it be? Well, of course, the Champs will come through! The defense plays its best game of the year and the offense does just enough to take home the win. And everything continues to be exactly as it ought to be in the College Football world – with the Tide on top.

So thereyago guys and gals – and look at how good you got it! So happy and carefree now that you know what’s gone happen! The only thing left in doubt is whether or not you can get Mommer to fix some of that good tator salad with sweet pickles and celery in it, and fry up some winged fowl with some fried okra and butter beans. And if you can do that, son, you won’t even care what the score is! So y’all have fun, and as always, all of us here at Fan HQ hope your favorite team wins – unless you happen to like teams with Rebel Black Bear mascots.


“Someone stab me in the eye with a rusty grapefruit spoon”

Well this week we raid the Big12/10 for our meltdowns and the Big 12/10 prove that they are actually good at something – not football! but they certainly can melt down with the best of em. Check it out:

Texas Tech fans are wondering what it takes to get someone (anyone) to make a tackle . . . and who blames them after their team gave up a half mile (652 yds) against Arizona State?

“Is it possible to get blown out while scoring more than 50? From here, it’s possible.”

“This game makes me want to jump off a cliff but can’t cuz I’m in Lubbock”

“We’re gonna give up 60 points to LA Tech.”

“HOW TO BET ON A TEXAS TECH GAME: Do numbers higher than the over/under exist?
– YES: Take the over
– NO: Take the over anyway”

“Do offensive records really count against this defense?

“They tackled him,” he says with surprise in his voice.

“Security wouldn’t let us bring our tortillas in to throw so I had to eat all eight of them at the gate before they let me in.”

“The SEC may be onto something with that whole “playing defense” thing.”

“This defense is going to get sodomized by Baker Mayfield and when it does I will die trying to drown my sorrows in Chimmy’s margaritas, just like the old gypsy woman said.”

“Someone stab me in the eye with a rusty grapefruit spoon. Please”

TCU fans are not happy. We guess to losing to Arkansas in double overtime was not in their plan:


“We’re going to get embarrassed by actual passing teams. Tech, Baylor, even Texas may score 100 on us. We’ve let a FCS team and a power running team throw it at will against us.”

“3rd and inches? Let’s play four yards back.”

“I wish Hill would throw some TDs to his own teammates.”

“Does anyone know which way the end zone is? If so, can you tell Gary?”


“I haven’t been surrounded by this many hogs since I visited my inlaws. They’re pig farmers, not just fatties.”

“Never get in an overtime game with Arkansas. It’s as obvious as don’t fight a ground war in Russia.”

“I’m starting to think last week wasn’t a fluke.”

“Hill got a penalty for slashing his own throat when really I just wish he slashed mine so I wouldn’t have to watch this game anymore.”

“We’re getting SEC chanted out of the stadium. Out of our own damn stadium.”

But even these guys are in better shape than Oklahoma State fans, losing on the play that never should have been:

“Our o-line protects Rudolph about as well as his dad did from that asshole “all of the other reindeer.”

“This offensive line makes me want to murder things”

“The dignity of our conference has been lost a looooong time ago. Several times.”

“Someone’s gonna have to go to the top of that water tower to defend the Big XII’s honor”

“CARDIAC COWBOYS BACK! *clutches left arm* *dies*”

“Stillwater is a drinking town with a football problem”

[thanks again to our friends at Roll Bama Roll]