Well, y’all saw ‘xactly what we saw last Saturday, didnchoo? Just another one of the wacky weeks in SEC. We did ok on our picks, 8-2 – and remember, we told y’all that those two upsets could easily happen. So, actually, we’re right even when we’re wrong. Anyway, our two misses were well worth it just for their entertainment value. Awbarn losing to the Roosters was hilarious (as we said it would be) and Mizzou causing Florida to cast Dan Mullen off Gatorland Island was amazing. But, putting all that fun behind us, let us officially welcome y’all to Rivalry Week! The annual Thanksgiving weekend where we all get to get all fired up to whip up on the teams we hate the most (football is a wonderful thing ain’t it?) And, as usual, we get started on Turkey Day:
Ole Miss at Mississippi State: Well here’s a game we never thought would be exciting way back in September, but here we are – The Egg Bowl – and dang, we’re sorta kinda looking forward to watching it. Both teams are on an egg roll (badaboom). The Old Missuses have won 3 in a row and the Cowbell Gang has won their last 2 and 4 out of their last five. Both teams are Bowl Eligible ™ and so there ain’t anything at stake except who gets to brag when the clock runs out. In the past, we always thought this game was called the “Egg Bowl” because one of the teams always lays an egg – so which team will it be this year? It’s a home game for the StarkVegas boys and we sorta kinda like them to pull the mild upset in this one. So, that means the Rebel-Bear-Black-Sharks lay an egg and the Bulllies win.
Friday
Missouri at Arkansas: The Border Battle (or whatever they call this fake rivalry) is another battle of teams who come into the game riding a semi-hot streak. Mizzou has won 2 in a row (and 3 out of their last 4) and the Pigs lost last Saturday against the Champs but before that, they had won 3 in a row. This game is played for another one of those heavy, ugly trophies that you ought to be able to either force the loser to carry around or drop it on their heads from the top row of the bleachers. Anyway, we think the Pigs are the better team . . . and they’re at home . . . and, . . . and, . . . they wear red . . . so, they win.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, brings us to Saturday!
Florida State at Florida: Well, all we can say is, “Poor little Gaytors.” So sorry that you lost your coach (hahahaha). So sorry that you’re not Bowl Eligible ™ (bwahahahahaha). So sorry that you are going to end the year by losing to yore cross-state/upstate rivals the Semi-Noles (hehehehehehehehehe). So sorry your coach decided to play for overtime when he could have at least tried to get into field goal range and win the game before the end of regulation (hehahehaheha). So sorry that your season is coming to a very embarrassing, boring, and well-deserved end (whaaaaahahahahahahahahaha). Seriously though, we really mean it (pay no attention to the laughter, we’re not laughing at you, we’re laughing with you . . . . well, ok, . . . we’re laughing at you). Unfortunately, your comedy act comes to an end this Saturday. Y’all will lose to the Shoe Stealers. But think of it this way, at least y’alla be home for Christmas and New Year’s!
Georgia at Georgia Tech: Here’s an historic rivalry that is no longer neither historic nor a rivalry. Of course the Yalla Jackets would love to beat the UN-DEE-FEETED and Number 1 Dawgs, no doubt. But after getting beat by 55 at the hands of Notre Lame, it ain’t happening, unless y’all keep the G-Dawg defense on the sideline at gunpoint. Gorge-ja wins and it won’t be close.
Kentucky at Louisville: Welcome to the “We’d-Rather-Be-Playing-Basketball” Bowl! The K-Kats having broken their 3-game losing streak a couple of weeks back, come into this game Bowl Eligible ™ and riding a 2-game winning streak (now a-course that’s counting their last two games against Vandy and New Mejico State – but they count). So the Mildcats will be going for their 9th win of the season. The Redbirds are trying to win their third in a row and finish with a 7-5 record and, who knows, maybe pull down that coveted Gasperilla Bowl invitation. Unfortunately (or, maybe fortunately) the Birds will not get it. Kats win and Mike Stoops gets a contract extension.
Clemson at South Carolina: Now, you know who’s fired up and feeling gooooooood this week, doncha? Oh yeah, it’s those Fighting Roosters over in Columbia east, that’s who. After beating the West Georgia Barn Dwellers they feeling some kind of fine. And they ought to. Beating the Gaytors and the Wargles in the same season is an accomplishment . . . if you’re the Game Chickens (and thank the Lord, we ain’t). But the Roosters have fallen into a familiar pattern of alternating wins and losses – and guess what’s scheduled to hit this Saturday? Yep. USC (east) loses to that team that wears that ghastly, glaring orange that causes blindness if you stare at it too long.
Texas A&M at LSU: Ok, so here’s a game that no matter how terrible Bae-Bae’s Boyfriend’s Boyz have been playing, they could actually win. IF they can put it together and play like they’re capable of playing. But it may be too late. The problem with the Tigurs ain’t so much ability as it is attitude. Will they decide to play this Saturday? Can Coach Eaux get them fired up enough to play one last game of football for 60 full minutes? Or will they just come out all-hot and ready and then, make a mistake, and quit? It would be fun to see them take this one. But, y’all know enough not to let your emotions drive the car of your decisions – so, we have to take the Agricultural and Mechanical team in this one. They’re boring. But they’re also better than LSU.
Vanderbilt at Tennessee: Well now, ain’t the Little Oranges sittin’ purdy? They are guaranteed a .500 season no matter what happens this Saturday! AND they don’t even have to beat Vandy to be Bowl Eligible ™! Whachoosay Rocky Flops! This is quite a season. We’re so happy for y’all we feel like Phil Fulmer when he gets a gift card to the Golden Corral! Meanwhile the Doors are completing another miserable season. We wish we could help. But we also wish we could bring about world peace. And unfortunately, we think it’d easier to do the latter than the former. The Tangerines win and look forward to going to the Birmingham Bowl!
Alabama at Auburn: Now we get to the Best Game of the Day ™ – the Champs travel to Barntown to play the Wargles who are still complaining about how badly they are mistreated by the refs. Now, let us again state it plainly: The SEC refs are The Worst, and there ain’t no doubt about that. BUT NOBODY gets more calls to go in their favor than the Toilet Paper Throwers – NOBODY. So, for them to complain is like Joe Biden complaining that the media is being too hard on him. We don’t how the refs will do, but we do know that the Tide needs to have a complete game to win this one. No matter how bad the Wargles have been playing, they will be up for this game and can win it if the Champs continue to make the mistakes they’ve been making all year. So, we think this one will be a lot closer than most people expect. With the SEC championship game waiting next Saturday, it’s time to press the pedal to the floorboard and do some serious work. Get-er-done boys. Tide wins, Awbarn whines.
Well, that’s about as good as we can do and about as much as you could ask, ain’t it? It’s been fun y’all – and it’s hard to believe that we’ve reached the end of the regular season. We’ll try to give a SEC Championship prediction and then do the bowls – but let us thank all of you for your support and encouragement through this season. Now it’s time to remember all the things we have to be thankful for. We hope all y’all get to eat something memorable this weekend – like some tasty dead bird with cornbread dressing and cranberry sauce on the side and some o’those green bean bundles that you can eat yore weight in, and homemade biscuits and gravy – oooh son! Makes you so happy you could sing in the moonlight and kiss Aunt Myrtle don’t it? All of us here at Fan HQ hope that all y’all have a happy, peaceful, fun, Thanksgiving Day and weekend. Be sure to thank the Lord for His goodness and mercy, and for your family, and for America, and for yore health, and all the other good things we have . . . and especially for the fact that you ain’t a Vandy fan.
RTR!