A day to remember and celebrate

This is a great, great day in the history of Alabama football. A day that every Alabama fan should mark with ice cream, cake, and fireworks. On this day, exactly ten years ago, Rich Rodriguez decided to reject the offer to become the head football coach at the University of Alabama and remain at West Virginia.

One month later, Nick Saban accepted the offer.


[Read all about it here.]

SEC Championship: Alabama 54, Florida 16

Ok, that’s the way to put a bow on a perfect season, yes? Yes.

Once again, the Tide started slowly – this time defensively as well as offensively. The Gaytors took the opening kickoff and marched down the field for a touchdown to open the game taking a 7-0 lead.

Then the Gaytor defense stopped Alabama stone cold, getting a 3 and out and forcing a punt. Things were not looking encouraging. The Reptiles held the ball at midfield with a lead and were all excited. But then things began to change.

On the first play, Austin Appleby’s pass was intercepted by Shaun Dion Hamilton and returned 40 yards to the Florida 12. But once again the Gaytor defense held the Tide, getting another 3 and out and forcing an Adam Griffith 31-yard field goal.

After the kick, Florida again took over on their own 25. But on the second play, Appleby’s pass was intercepted by Minkah Fitzpatrick and returned 44 yards for a touchdown, giving the Tide a 10-7 lead.

Once again the Gaytors took over on their own 25 after the ensuing kickoff. This time they got a first down but then Austin Appleby was sacked for a loss of 12, and the Tide D forced a punt. Which was blocked by Derrick Gore, caught in the air by Josh Jacobs and returned 27 yards for another TD.

So, with 1:38 left in the first quarter, the Tide offense had gained a grand total of -7 yards, no first downs, and yet, the Champs had a 16-7 lead.

If you want to define “demoralizing” this would be a good place to start. Three scores (2 TDs and a field goal) all of which were the result of defensive plays and special teams. The offense had only been on the field twice.

After the Tide D got a 3 and out, the offense finally scored – taking over on their own 12 and driving 78 yards for their first TD of the day. So, with 12 minutes left in the first half, the game was basically over. The only question was whether or not Washington would make it into the playoffs.

This may not be the best team Alabama has ever had – it may not even be the best defense the Tide has ever had – but it’s dang close! This season has been a magnificent display of toughness, persistence, and willful domination. It’s been a privilege to watch it.

BUT, it ain’t over yet. Remember the goal: SEC Championship, followed by another Natty. One goal accomplished. And one still left.

And we ain’t resting till we get 2 more wins and tuck away National Championship number 17.

15 down, 2 to go.


SEC Championship prediction

Ok, so here we go – getting serious about #17 – and it all begins over in Atlanta this Saturday in the SEC Championship game against the Alleygators once again (didn’t we do this last year?). The Reptiles come into this game sporting an 8-3 record (losing their last game in a terrible way to the Semi-Noles) and lots of injuries.

The Champs come into this one riding a 24 game winning streak, looking for their fourth SEC title in the last 5 years and their 5th National Championship in the last 8 years. And they come in with one of the best defenses in their history (and that’s saying something). This looks like an easy game to pick. And it is. Check out the comparison:

Offense: The offenses for both these teams leave something to be desired, but even so, Alabama’s offense is superior. That’s true, in spite of the fact that Jalen Hurts continues to play like what he is – a true freshman. It’s true, even though the offensive line has struggled throughout the year. It’s true, even though the running game has had some difficulty getting going (see the previous sentence about the O-line) and the passing game has sputtered as well (see the point about Jalen above). But for all their weaknesses, this offense looks like Oregon in its heyday compared to Florida’s. So, advantage Alabama.

Defense: The Swamp Things actually have a respectable defense (one of the best in the SEC) – but in spite of that, they look like a Big 12 defense when compared to the Tide. Alabama’s defense hasn’t given up a touchdown since the third quarter of the Texas A&M game. They rank #1 in the country in total defense, rushing defense, scoring defense, and are #3 in passing defense. And they’ve done this against teams with much better offenses than the Gaytors’ #114 ranked offense. As mentioned they haven’t allowed a November TD while the Reptiles have only scored 3 TDs total in that same time. Quarterback Austin Appleby would have to have the best game of his career just to keep this one close. He won’t do that. Advantage: Alabama.

Special teams: Finally, we get to a category where Florida matches up pretty well. Gator punter, sophomore Johnny Townsend, averages a little over 45 yards per punt while Alabama’s J. K. Scott has averaged a little over 44 yards per punt. Alabama’s Adam Griffith has made 23 of 32 field goals this season (often being maddeningly inconsistent). Florida’s Eddie Pineiro (an Alabama commit who flipped at the last minute and signed with the Swamp Things) has made 18 of 22 (and, most impressively, 3 of 3 from 50+). And let’s not even get into kick coverage – the Champs have been terribly inconsistent there and we can’t stand to think about it. Over all, looking at the stats, we give the edge on special teams to the Gaytors – who are more consistent than the Tide in each area. So, advantage Florida.

But unless the Reptiles can find a way to kick 15 field goals, their slight advantage in the kicking game will not affect the outcome of this game. The only thing that can affect the outcome is if the Tide comes out flat, make catastrophic mistakes, give up easy TDs and give up over 5 turnovers in their own territory. If that happens, they could lose. Will that happen? No. And that means that the Champs will pick up their fourth SEC championship over the last 5 years and the fifth of the Saban era.

It’s a beautiful thing y’all. Sit back with us and enjoy some first class tackle football with those bee-u-ti-ful sausages and hot dogs! And if you add some chili sauce for a topping with some fresh sauerkraut . . . son! you done gotchore self a genuwine feast! Save some for us and root for the good guys.


“Looks like our players boycotted the game”

This week, let’s just focus on two of our favorite Losers, the Little Orange Ciircus Peanuts and the Awbarn Wargles — both of whom suffered humiliating losses at the hands of hated rivals (well, we’re not sure how “hated” Vandy is, but we’ll pretend they are for the sake of this post).

First, we’ll listen in to the Vols’ fans who can’t believe that their team, the one that wears the only shade of Orange that you have to be color-blind to love, LOST to the Commydoors. We would feel sorry for them but . . . hahaha . . . . bwahahahahaha . . . HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

“With all the other Winners belt’s, Loser’s belts, etc. being thrown around, everyone is forgetting the biggest belt of all: The Butch Jones Championship of Life Belt. Now while you think it’s a new belt, it’s actually been held by Tennessee for the previous 4 years, thanks to the work of their seniors, until evil Vanderbilt stole it away from them in this past game. Will Vanderbilt be able to hold on to it for the rest of the season?”

“I just realized that if UT loses tonight, the Championship of Life belt will go to Vanderbilt.”

“This game is a perfect summary of the Butch Jones era in Knoxville. You come in, are excited for something good (Our Year, East Title, Sugar Bowl, etc.) Then he sh*ts on your face and says we’re life champions.”

“No one cares about your journey from Memphis.”

“Tennessee, Florida, Georgia lose today.
Vandy and Kentucky win.
What is life.”

“Tennessee fans: make fun of Georgia for losing to Vandy
Tennessee: loses to Vandy worse than Georgia lost to Vandy”

“Butch Jones career thus far:
14-18 in the SEC, with no cross-divisional wins. 2 bowl wins against Iowa and Northwestern.
EDIT: I forgot, he did win the 2016 Championship of Life”

“Vanderbilt, the flagship football program of the state of Tennessee.”

“Alright, who predicted Vandy would beat Georgia and Tennessee at the beginning of the year?
Put your hands down, you liars.”

“Butch Jones can’t coach”

“I remember after the Alabama loss people found comfort in knowing the Vols would go 10-2.

Awbarn fans are realizing that the Gus Bus is actually a bus to NOWHERE City. Enjoy the ride boys!

“”I ain’t afraid to die anymore…I’ve done it already. -The Revenant” -Jeremy Johnson”

“Hey rhett, you know what worked good against Clemson? Shuffling QBs every play”
“No it didn’t Gus, it caused us to lose”

“Teams that wear orange suck”

“Can you imagine if White had a working shoulder? I mean it still would’ve been ugly, but like by a lot less ugly.”

“Not So Fun Fact: Bama has never lost to Auburn in a year where a Cuban dictator has died.”


“Seen toilet explosions look better than that offense”

“A freshman QB finally looked like a freshman QB and gave us all the extra possessions we could ask for. But Gus and his short bus trot out an offense that couldn’t score a touchdown on a Big 12 defense.”

“I’m tired of being the little brother. I’m tired of always losing to bama. Even the kick 6 has lost its luster from the mindblowing amount of times it’s mentioned and the fact that it only got us to lose a national championship leaving those bama f*%#$ laughing even after we won.”

“I think it’d be so damn fitting if Nick Saban actually was the devil, because there would be no worse punishment than for Nick Saban cracking a tiger-tailed whip with war eagle feathers over my back as my front is burned in a lake of lava-acid while he yells roll tide for all eternity.”

[for the last time this year, thanks to Roll Bama Roll!]

Alabama 30, Auburn 12

Well, it was one of those games that looked like the Tide was going to do everything possible to keep it close – even though it was anything but in every category except the score. A halftime, Auburn had gained a grand total of 31 yards and had one, ONE, first down – and yet the score was 13-9.

The Wargles can’t complain that they didn’t have any breaks – two freakish interceptions which gave them the ball inside Alabama territory and numerous times when the Champs acted as if the ball was made of lava and impossible to hold, gave them as many opportunities as they’ve had in any past game. The difference in this one, as has been the case throughout the year, was the Defense. And it was incredible. Again.

It was one of those games where you felt like if Alabama gave Auburn the ball on their own 5 yard line for the rest of the game, they still couldn’t have scored. That’s how dominant the defense was in this one. The Barners were not going to score a touchdown on Saturday, no matter what. So, for the fourth straight game, the opposing team was held scoreless or held to field goals – NO TDs. That, our friends, is called “defense.”

So, after holding Awbarn to a 3 and out to start the 2nd half, the Champs drove down the field and scored their second TD of the day on a four-yard run by Jalen, making the score 20-9 – and basically, ending the game.

A 37-yard TD pass to Ardarius Stewart made the score 27-9 and after the teams traded field goals, the Tide ran out the last 9 minutes of the game – putting the cherry on top of another undefeated regular season.

And this one was special. We started the year hoping that we could survive with only one loss, fearing two losses, and would not have been surprised to end up with a three loss season. So, to go undefeated with the schedule, tough road games, and being the “big game” for every team you face each week, is truly something. Indeed, it’s amazing.

So now, the Champs head to Atlanta to face the Alleygators again in an SEC Championship game – and then, Lord willing, enter the College Football Playoffs favored to win their 17th National Championship. And that’s about as good as it can get, y’all.

Roll Tide!

SEC predictions, week #13

Normally, having an 8-2 week would be something to be proud of – that is if you were one of those ordinary prognosticators. But for us, 8-2 just won’t cut it – especially when we know we should have been 10-0 on the week (as it happened, our season record now stands at 73-28). We got snookered into rooting for Coach Eaux and believing the Black Bears could defeat Vandy (what were we thinking???????). It was not our best hour. But, we are professionals and professionals come back to finish the job no matter what. So, here we go on Turkey Week all set to clean the table. And this week, as usual, the fun starts on Thanksgiving:

Thursday, November 24

LSU vs. Texas A&M: Who can say what’s going to happen in this game? Depending on the outcome, it could be the last game for both coaches. Kevin Sumlin is staring into the foreboding face of a most dismal end to what was supposed to be a stellar season. It ain’t. Coach O was hoping for a lot better than what he’s seen – and now is left with only the hope that Jimbo Fisher doesn’t want to live in Baton Rouge. It’s kinda sad for both these teams. We were all set to pick LSU but now, with the L-Train thinking more about the NFL draft than winning his last college game – and with the desperation that has taken a-holt of the Agony & Misery boys, we’re thinking the A&Mers might just pull this one out. So, we’ll go with the fans who don’t need no stinkin bleachers – A&M wins.

Friday, November 25

Arkansas vs. Missouri: The Razor Pigs pulled out a nice win last week against the Cowbell Gang and now all they have to do is whip the horrible M-Tigs to finish out with a respectable 8-4 season. Mizzou’s only SEC win this season was against that powerhouse Vandy team – and that’s certainly impressive – but we don’t think they can put it together again and so we’re going to go with the Porkers. Pigs win and Big Brett focuses his attention on trying to make the turkey an endangered species.

Saturday, November 26

Georgia Tech vs. Georgia: Who’s hotter than a jallypeena in Mexican chili? It’s the G-Dawgs, y’all! They done gone out and put together a 3-game winning streak here in November! And now Kirby Smart’s boys are ready to close out the month UN-DEEFEATED as they welcome the Big City boys from Hotlanta into Athens. The Techsters come into this one on a two-game winning streak (and winning 4 out of their last 5) so they ain’t exactly leftover ham either. But we think the G-Dawgs have gotten their groove on and will take this one. Da Dawgs bring it home and finish the year 8-4.

Kentucky vs. Louisville: The K-Kats get to take on the incredibly over-rated Cardinals from Louisville who got their drawers pulled and spanked in public last week in Houston. Kentucky didn’t have much of a shot at winning this one anyway, but after that humiliation, the Cardinals are going to be a tad out of sorts and desireous to show somebody how many points they can score. So, in other words, it’s a good thing Kentucky got bowl eligible last week. Cardinals win.

Mississippi State vs. Ole Miss: This game the football equivalent of “Dumb and Dumber” – let’s call it, “Bad and Badder.” It’s the kind of game where you have serious doubts whether either team can win. Two freshman quarterbacks, two pretty bad defenses, two sputtering offenses; two teams with identical 2-5 conference records; both teams under .500 on the year; both coming off of a loss. Both teams have had very unhappy seasons so far. But there is one difference: Ole Miss has the opportunity to become Bowl Eligible ™ with a victory (and since they don’t get out much, they would love to take a trip to Birmingham in December). So, with that motivation – and because the game is being played in Oxford City – we’re going to go with the Black Bears in this one.

South Carolina vs. Clemson: Another in-state “rivalry” – we’ll call it that even though a real “rivalry” is supposed to be competitive. The Lamecocks defeated Western Carolina last week to get Bowl Eligible ™ so they can sit back and enjoy getting whipped by the Tigers this Saturday – and through it all know that they’re still gonna get some-o-that Dollar General Bowl swag in a few weeks. It’s a great feeling if you’ve never felt it. And we feel good for the boys, because that’s about the only consolation they’re gonna get from this game. The Tigers win and get set for their conference championship game.

Tennessee vs. Vanderbilt: If we told you that Vandy had only two wins in the conference, you’d prolly think that they beat Kentucky and Missouri wouldn’t you? AND you’d be wrong! Their two victories have been against the G-Dawgs and the Black Bears! They know a challenge when they see it. Now how many o y’all figger that the Doors would like to end their season with a “W” AND become Bowl Eligible ™ AND do both these things against their cross-state rivals, the Little Candy Orange Slices? Whacha think???? You think this is a big game for the Commydoors or what? The home crowd’s gonna be as excited as they are for the opening of basketball practice! The Doors would love to end this season on the highest note that any Vandy team has just about ever finished on – and we think they’ll do just that. Vandy wins and the Candy Orange Slices get demoted to the Orange Circus Peanut level (the bottom floor of the Nickname building).

Florida vs. Florida State: When the season began FSU was expecting to be in a far different position than they are now. They were among the top picks for the playoffs – but three losses have killed that so now they’re left to get what satisfaction they can from trying to humiliate opponents. The Alleygators are flying high after their victory in Red Stick last Saturday – and no doubt are looking forward to their trip to Atlanta next week – so they might be a tad distracted this Saturday. And that won’t be good. They need all the focus they  can get to stay in this game – and even then, we’re not sure they’ve got enough to pull out a victory. As much as we’d love to see it, we don’t think the Reptiles can defeat the Semi-Noles – so we go with the Noles and hope that the Swamp Things will be so discouraged by this one that they’ll be convinced they can’t beat Champs next week.

Auburn vs. Alabama: Ok, so now we’re back where we always seem to be at this time of the year. The Tide has another shot at a National Championship and the Barners have had another disappointing season but now have the opportunity to spoil things for the Champs (this is what a “successful season” has come to mean for the Wargles). So once again, before the toilet papers throwers head out for the Music City Bowl, they are praying for another miracle so that they can prevent the Tide from having another undefeated season. But, it ain’t happening this year. Not this year. Barring a rainstorm of frogs or a plague of locusts, it ain’t happening. The Tide will take win number 12 on the season and start getting ready for the Reptiles in Atlanta.

Ok, y’all that’s a wrap for the 2016 regular season! And let all of us here at the Worldwide International Fan Headquarters wish all y’all a happy Thanksgiving with all the fixins! Join us in celebrating by eating a big bird with some o-that cornbread dressing, gravy, and cranberry sauce, sweet tators, green beans bundles wrapped in bacon, creamed corn, butter beans, and punkin pie – and be thankful that the Lord put you in a place where we can enjoy our days, watch football, and argue over things we can’t prevent or cause and hardly know anything about. There ain’t nothing like it is it? So everbody have fun and we hope your team wins – unless your team has fans that like to throw toilet paper into trees when their team wins.


“This is gonna hurt our playoff chances”

We’re coming down to the end of the season and one of the saddest aspects of this fact is that we’re not going to be able to enjoy the conniption-fits that fans of terrible teams throw when their teams play like terrible teams play. But, you know, you can’t have fun all the time. This week we get to enjoy the laments of the “No Defense” Texas Tech fans, the “we can’t even beat Kansas” Texas fans, and the “Can’t believe we waited a month for this” LSU fans:

Texas Tech fans love scoring, when their team does it – the only problem is that this year (like many others) the other teams are doing it – and doing it far more frequently than the Raiders are:

“Watching Texas Tech is like contracting a serious disease. Except disease eventually has the decency to kill you.”

“There’s a four year gap on your resume.””I was in jail.””Really? Sure you didn’t just go to Texas Tech?””Swear to God. Jail.”

“Tech gifted Iowa State with a career game…..no defense….players leaving the program in huge numbers….time for a coaching change”

“We should have known it wasn’t going to work when more emphasis was put on uniforms & what they were going to wear than the actual game.”

“When Trump finally gets those internment camps up we need to put Gibbs and coach bro in there”

“When I was 9 years old I remember the time we went to go put down our dog of 16 years. I had known him all my life, and it was weird thinking of a life where he isn’t there. The last thing I remember of him was lightly holding his tail when he was in a cage. I pulled some fur off of it so I had something to remember him by, which of course blew away when I broke into tears on the car ride back home.
Despite that, this was a less depressing experience than this football game.”

“This is going to hurt our playoff chances.”

“I hope Craig James has a slow and painful death. Something that ISIS would find appalling.”

“I think if Kansas got a second chance against us they’d win.”

“We’re obviously tanking for draft picks.”

“This was the most miserable sporting event I will ever watch in my life. It did not make me want to fire Kliff, or revoke scholarships. It made me want to go back in time and keep the school from ever existing.”

“I hate this team. I hate this school. I hate this city and I just want to get taken up in a real cyclone, thrown 500 yards into the side of a building and die.”

But even Texas Tech fans ain’t hurtin like Texas fans. The Shorthorns are dying slow and excruciatingly painful deaths.

“When the pain returned after my vasectomy I thought that $#@! hurt. But I sit here watching the post game presser. Vasectomy wasn’t $#@!”

“The players are playing like they don’t give a fuck about strongs job. Maybe that’s a sign he should get fired.”

“At least we did a nice thing for Kansas?”

“Kansas. Is. Back.”

“Both of the Kansas fans somehow got the goalpost down.”

“Stop calling Charlie a great man. He’s a goddamn thief committing felony larceny from a State university.”

“PC culture will be the end of Texas football. We are headed to Rice status.”

“I blame Trump for this, he said he was gonna help Texas build a wall.”

“Goodbye Charlie Strong. It was nice knowing you.”

“And let that be a lesson to you all. Nobody beats Kansas 24 times in a row”

“The last time Kansas beat Texas was before the start of World War II. Talk about the Great Depression.”

LSU fans had high hopes that this year would end in a National Championship, or at least a Sugar Bowl. But now, it’s looking more like a trip to Shreveport is about as good as it’s going to get.

“Gasoline, Napalm, Everclear, Lighter fluid… Match. #BurnItAllDown”

“Thank god we weren’t cocky about this game all season right guys? Sigh..”

“‘Member when Florida was scared?”

“Congrats Florida. Your prize, Bama in Atlanta. More of a punishment than a prize.”

“If only we had as good a QB as Florida maybe we could beat bama.”

“We punished them for rescheduling because of a hurricane but it was us who received punishment in the end.”

“We’ve gotta hire Jimbo cus he’s the only one who can beat Saban.”

“Update from stadium: a napkin almost made it from the east upper deck to the field. Everyone got excited”

“There’s a Florida fan here eating a corndog”

-Coach O

“Florida got a 98 yard touchdown PASS?!?!?!?! WHAT UNIVERSE AM I IN.”

“Florida has no chance of winning this game but LSU definitely has a chance of losing it.”

“Show us on the doll where the football touched you”

“How cool was that mannequin challenge at the goal line? They just didn’t move.”

“Florida: I’m gonna shoot myself in the foot.
LSU: Well I’m gonna shoot myself in the nuts!”

“Florida in their color rush unis”

“death valley is like an outdoor insane asylum” accurate

“Hey! The run is doing very well!”
Nussmeier: “….but what if we throw it?”

“Alright Coach, I’m thinking we need a recruit an elite quarterback this year.
“Is Purdue out of graduates?”
“Get me that guy who won 2 games at Purdue.”

[And once again, thanks to our friends at Roll Bama Roll]