Well, it’s the last week of the regular season. Dreams have died. Hopes have languished. Things that were just feared in September have become reality in November. For just about everybody except a few – a very precious few. This is the time of year that makes us sooooo thankful to be Alabama fans. What a blessing! That helps us in lots of ways, but specially because we’ve had some turrible picking weeks of this season. Once again last week we missed two games (and by the way, thanks to the Game Chicks for reaching a low that no one has ever seen before in SEC football). We congratulate the Cowbell Gang pulling it together long enough to hold an unexpected bar-b-que in Fayetteville, in spite of the fact that this meant our second miss. But anyway, with the 8-2 week we come into the last week of the year with a 79-23 record. But now y’all, it’s time to put all that behind us. It’s Thanksgiving! And that means, as Bo Jackson would say, “It’s Wivalwee Week!” So, whaddaya say, let’s finish the year with a BANG, shall we? And we get an early start on it this Friday in PigTown:
Friday, November 27:
Missouri at Arkansas: What can you say when you score 50 and still lose by one point? Well, we’re not sure but one thing you can’t say is, “What a great defense we have!” The Pigs’ D got torched by Dak and the Cowbell Gang last week so they’ll be very thankful to see the offensive ineptitude of the M-Tigs this Friday. Lots of things could happen but we promise you this: if the RazorPigs score fiddy this week, they’ll win by at least 40. The Pigs win and will take their 7 victories to a bowl game.
Saturday, November 28:
Georgia at Georgia Tech: You know, if football was a beauty contest, Georgia Tech would be the equivalent of a female version of Mr. Bean in the Miss America pageant. They are not only bad, they are ugly-bad. They are 3-8 in the ACC. Ugly. Bad. Georgia should win this game by at least 30 points, but we saw what they did against Georgia Southern last week and that has left Georgia fans begging for a win – any kind of a win. They’ll get it and finish with a typical Mark Richt year, 9-3.
Louisville at Kentucky: How hard is it be to be a Mildcat fan? Just think, you never have a truly BIG GAME. They finally do something they haven’t done in 6 weeks (i.e. win a game) and now they finish the year against intrastate rival Louisville, who is only just a little less terrible than the K-Kats. This is the football equivalent to Dumb and Dumber. One of the things we’ll be thankful for this Thursday is that we don’t have to watch this game. Not that it matters and not that we care (it doesn’t and we don’t) but the Cardinals will win and Kentucky ends the year in their usual place – Misery City.
Clemson at South Carolina: The numero uno team in the country closes out its numero uno season by playing the Game Chicks. The only way Dabo’s boys can lose this one is if everybody on the team (included the student managers) gets the worst case of Montezuma’s Revenge since Cortez landed in Mexico. There needs to be a new synonym invented to describe how bad USC (east) is (and has been) this year. When your own coach can’t bear to watch your games and quits, you’re in bad shape. When two of your three wins have come against Vandy and a winless Central Florida, you’re bad. The Clemson chapter of the Alpha Chi Omega sorority could hold the Game Chicks to under 10 points. In fact, we’ve given ourselves indigestion just talking about this team. Ugh. Clemson wins and Dabo is giving thanks that he doesn’t have to play the Citadel.
Vanderbilt at Tennessee: The Clementines are seeking to finish their season with 5 straight wins – which sounds impressive until you realize that their last five games have been against the Mildcats, the Game Chicks, the Not-so-Mean Green, the inoffensive Mizzou Tigs, and the Commydoors. Honestly, if you can’t get a 5 game winning streak playing that horrible group, you should disband your football program. And speaking of embarrassing, the Commydoors come into this one after being shut out by the A&Mers. Yes. You read that correctly. A&M shut out Vandy. So, in spite of the fact that they are playing the Clementines, they will lose again. Clementines win and end the year with a very respectable (by Clementine standards) 8-4 record.
Ole Miss at Mississippi State: Ok, now we finally get to a serious game. It’s Egg Bowl time and once again we’ve got two pretty evenly matched teams – both of whom are coming off big wins last Saturday. Both teams come in with identical 8-3 records. The Black Bears will know whether or not they have a shot at Atlanta by the time this game kicks off. If the Champs lose in Barntown, that will fire up the Bears and they’ll probably win this one. BUT, the Champs ain’t losing so that’ll mean that the Cowbell Gang will have a slight edge and unless Dak has one of the worst games of his career, the Bullies will win. Definitely. More Cowbell. Definitely.
Florida State at Florida: The AlleyGators have struggled over the past few weeks (for evidence just see last week’s game against Florida Atlantic Ocean) and they need to get it in gear for this one – not to mention the next one in Atlanta. The Semi-Noles are hurtin in spite of their exciting win over Chattanooga last week (sarcasm alert sent to Awbarn fans so that they can know when to laugh). The Noles come into this game a tad depressed. The word at Fan HQ is that their coach will be taking that slow train to Baton Rouge when the time runs out in Gainesville – so we think the Gators will have the edge and get their last win of the season. Enjoy the Chomping y’all – this’ll be all you get till next year.
Texas A&M at LSU: And speaking of LSU – say goodbye to the Hat. We’re having a farewell party at Fan HQ just cause we’re so sad to see him go. Who are we going to look to for incomprehensible analysis of games and astonishingly mysterious answers to questions that have no relation to the questions asked? It’s sad! And we mean it! The question is: Will Les’ firing fire up the players? And we think the answer to that question is “si senior” (or “Yes Sir” for all you liguistically challenged, non-cosmopolitan people – our international fans love it when we talk foreign). The A&M D may have kept the Commydoors out of the endzone but the L-Train is coming to town and he’s on schedule for a non-stop run to Touchdown City. Which all means that The Lester will leave Baton Rouge in style.
Alabama at Auburn: Finally, we come to the “Big-un” of the day as the Champs seek to close out the regular season against the Wargles on the Plains. This game is often unpredictable and seemingly more so when one team is clearly superior to the other (as is the case this year). Awbarn has a chance to make their season a success – since “success” to the Barners means winning only one game (this one) each year. A win puts the Tide on the first class express to Hotlanta and a date with the AlleyGators next Saturday. A loss will likely mean losing the opportunity for the SEC and national titles. Every game since the middle of September has been a “can’t lose” game and this un is the most seriously “can’t lose” of em all. So the Champs will again have to prove that they deserve the title. And they will. The Tide’ll win. And we hope they win by about 50 points.
Ok, that’s it for “Wivalwee Week” and oh son, it’s gone be a time! We getting ready for some turkey and dressing with gravy, with that fine cranberry sauce on the side, and sweet potato casyroll, with some fresh green beans wrapped in bacon, maybe some mashed tators and hot rolls with real butter and top it all off with some punkin pie – son! Stand up and say Amen! It’s so good, it makes you want go out and hug the neighbor’s dog. We got lots to be thankful for this year so y’all be safe and don’t forget to pray for Game Chick fans who think that nobody loves them. [Nobody does but let’s be nice and pretend.]