SEC predictions, Week #13

Well, it’s the last week of the regular season. Dreams have died. Hopes have languished. Things that were just feared in September have become reality in November. For just about everybody except a few – a very precious few. This is the time of year that makes us sooooo thankful to be Alabama fans. What a blessing! That helps us in lots of ways, but specially because we’ve had some turrible picking weeks of this season. Once again last week we missed two games (and by the way, thanks to the Game Chicks for reaching a low that no one has ever seen before in SEC football). We congratulate the Cowbell Gang pulling it together long enough to hold an unexpected bar-b-que in Fayetteville, in spite of the fact that this meant our second miss. But anyway, with the 8-2 week we come into the last week of the year with a 79-23 record. But now y’all, it’s time to put all that behind us. It’s Thanksgiving! And that means, as Bo Jackson would say, “It’s Wivalwee Week!” So, whaddaya say, let’s finish the year with a BANG, shall we? And we get an early start on it this Friday in PigTown:

Friday, November 27:

Missouri at Arkansas: What can you say when you score 50 and still lose by one point? Well, we’re not sure but one thing you can’t say is, “What a great defense we have!” The Pigs’ D got torched by Dak and the Cowbell Gang last week so they’ll be very thankful to see the offensive ineptitude of the M-Tigs this Friday. Lots of things could happen but we promise you this: if the RazorPigs score fiddy this week, they’ll win by at least 40. The Pigs win and will take their 7 victories to a bowl game.

Saturday, November 28:

Georgia at Georgia Tech: You know, if football was a beauty contest, Georgia Tech would be the equivalent of a female version of Mr. Bean in the Miss America pageant. They are not only bad, they are ugly-bad. They are 3-8 in the ACC. Ugly. Bad. Georgia should win this game by at least 30 points, but we saw what they did against Georgia Southern last week and that has left Georgia fans begging for a win – any kind of a win. They’ll get it and finish with a typical Mark Richt year, 9-3.

Louisville at Kentucky: How hard is it be to be a Mildcat fan? Just think, you never have a truly BIG GAME. They finally do something they haven’t done in 6 weeks (i.e. win a game) and now they finish the year against intrastate rival Louisville, who is only just a little less terrible than the K-Kats. This is the football equivalent to Dumb and Dumber. One of the things we’ll be thankful for this Thursday is that we don’t have to watch this game. Not that it matters and not that we care (it doesn’t and we don’t) but the Cardinals will win and Kentucky ends the year in their usual place – Misery City.

Clemson at South Carolina: The numero uno team in the country closes out its numero uno season by playing the Game Chicks. The only way Dabo’s boys can lose this one is if everybody on the team (included the student managers) gets the worst case of Montezuma’s Revenge since Cortez landed in Mexico. There needs to be a new synonym invented to describe how bad USC (east) is (and has been) this year. When your own coach can’t bear to watch your games and quits, you’re in bad shape. When two of your three wins have come against Vandy and a winless Central Florida, you’re bad. The Clemson chapter of the Alpha Chi Omega sorority could hold the Game Chicks to under 10 points. In fact, we’ve given ourselves indigestion just  talking about this team. Ugh. Clemson wins and Dabo is giving thanks that he doesn’t have to play the Citadel.

Vanderbilt at Tennessee: The Clementines are seeking to finish their season with 5 straight wins – which sounds impressive until you realize that their last five games have been against the Mildcats, the Game Chicks, the Not-so-Mean Green, the inoffensive Mizzou Tigs, and the Commydoors. Honestly, if you can’t get a 5 game winning streak playing that horrible group, you should disband your football program. And speaking of embarrassing, the Commydoors come into this one after being shut out by the A&Mers. Yes. You read that correctly. A&M shut out Vandy. So, in spite of the fact that they are playing the Clementines, they will lose again. Clementines win and end the year with a very respectable (by Clementine standards) 8-4 record.

Ole Miss at Mississippi State: Ok, now we finally get to a serious game. It’s Egg Bowl time and once again we’ve got two pretty evenly matched teams – both of whom are coming off big wins last Saturday. Both teams come in with identical 8-3 records. The Black Bears will know whether or not they have a shot at Atlanta by the time this game kicks off. If the Champs lose in Barntown, that will fire up the Bears and they’ll probably win this one. BUT, the Champs ain’t losing so that’ll mean that the Cowbell Gang will have a slight edge and unless Dak has one of the worst games of his career, the Bullies will win. Definitely. More Cowbell. Definitely.

Florida State at Florida: The AlleyGators have struggled over the past few weeks (for evidence just see last week’s game against Florida Atlantic Ocean) and they need to get it in gear for this one – not to mention the next one in Atlanta. The Semi-Noles are hurtin in spite of their exciting win over Chattanooga last week (sarcasm alert sent to Awbarn fans so that they can know when to laugh). The Noles come into this game a tad depressed. The word at Fan HQ is that their coach will be taking that slow train to Baton Rouge when the time runs out in Gainesville – so we think the Gators will have the edge and get their last win of the season. Enjoy the Chomping y’all – this’ll be all you get till next year.

Texas A&M at LSU: And speaking of LSU – say goodbye to the Hat. We’re having a farewell party at Fan HQ just cause we’re so sad to see him go. Who are we going to look to for incomprehensible analysis of games and astonishingly mysterious answers to questions that have no relation to the questions asked? It’s sad! And we mean it! The question is: Will Les’ firing fire up the players? And we think the answer to that question is “si senior” (or “Yes Sir” for all you liguistically challenged, non-cosmopolitan people – our international fans love it when we talk foreign). The A&M D may have kept the Commydoors out of the endzone but the L-Train is coming to town and he’s on schedule for a non-stop run to Touchdown City. Which all means that The Lester will leave Baton Rouge in style.

Alabama at Auburn: Finally, we come to the “Big-un” of the day as the Champs seek to close out the regular season against the Wargles on the Plains. This game is often unpredictable and seemingly more so when one team is clearly superior to the other (as is the case this year). Awbarn has a chance to make their season a success – since “success” to the Barners means winning only one game (this one) each year. A win puts the Tide on the first class express to Hotlanta and a date with the AlleyGators next Saturday. A loss will likely mean losing the opportunity for the SEC and national titles. Every game since the middle of September has been a “can’t lose” game and this un is the most seriously “can’t lose” of em all. So the Champs will again have to prove that they deserve the title. And they will. The Tide’ll win. And we hope they win by about 50 points.

Ok, that’s it for “Wivalwee Week” and oh son, it’s gone be a time! We getting ready for some turkey and dressing with gravy, with that fine cranberry sauce on the side, and sweet potato casyroll, with some fresh green beans wrapped in bacon, maybe some mashed tators and hot rolls with real butter and top it all off with some punkin pie – son! Stand up and say Amen! It’s so good, it makes you want go out and hug the neighbor’s dog. We got lots to be thankful for this year so y’all be safe and don’t forget to pray for Game Chick fans who think that nobody loves them. [Nobody does but let’s be nice and pretend.]


“I’d rather spend time with the in-laws”

Welcome to the last week of the regular season and the last week of having the privilege of laughing in the faces of those poor chillin who’ve lost all hope because of the pathetic play of their favorite teams. This week, we get to listen to LSWho fans who had to endure another terrible performance from their boys and then we go outside the SEC to eavesdrop on Ohio State fans and fans of the Shorthorns of Texas.

LSU fans are ready for a new coach to come in and continue their tradition of losing in November – but before that happens they need to endure one more week in this season. And let us tell y’all, there ain’t enough crawfish in the world to make them feel better:

“We’re officially worse than Toledo AND Memphis”

“Our offensive line blocked worse than Charlie sheens immune system.”

“I’m all for Lane Kiffin as Head Coach”

“Is it effective to boo from your recliner?”

“All you smart guys PLEASE tell me what we practiced this week? or did we practice?”

“I imagine being a DC against LSU is like being a DC on Tecmo Bowl. There’s always a 1/4 chance your going to know the exact play LSU is running”

“Watching these past three weeks has officially given me AIDS.”

“I dont think les could even run a hotdog stand”

“This is truly painful to watch but I will stay until the ship sinks.”

“Funny how all this really does feel like it goes back to 1/9/12”

“We’re like the guy who gets his manhood taken after his first time in prison.. Never the same after”

“Are we Even LSU anymore?”

“Les would make Tom Brady look like JJ”

“I am getting tired of laughing at this team”

“Patented Les Miles “Let’s do dumb sh*t from the 1 yard line and get stuffed 4 times” drive. Really rolls off the tongue, ya know?”

“All we need is peanuts, hay and elephant sh*t for this 3 ringed circus”

“I’ve never seen a game like this before.
Looks like the lighthouse of the blind vs Mississippi.”

“Just wait til we have 4 weeks to prepare for Tulsa in the Wal-Mart Bowl”

“Losses to Ole Miss and Arky are pathetic. Bama loss is a given.”

“3 hrs 50 minutes of torture”

Ohio State fans apparently really believed they would go undefeated this year. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

“I could write our offense out so far as a computer program.
IF DOWN=1: Run ELLIOT15.exe

“I might have figured it out, here’s my theory:
1. If JT doesn’t get a play call from Beck, he’s supposed to go with QB keeper.
2. Tim Beck doesn’t know how to work his microphone and at this point is too embarrassed to ask anybody.”

“Two carries in the 2nd half? Man, I don’t know what Beck was on, but I wanna try some because damn it must be good stuff. Like “I’m-seeing-dragons-in-the-kitchen-and-I’m-outside”-level good.”

“Urb: Okay Tim, we need 8 yards. Whadda you got?
Tim: I’ve got a 3 yard quick out route?
Urb: Perfect!”

“All year last year I heard we were a year away. Thank God we did it last year, because I don’t know what we were a year away from last year.”

“I want to murder someone”

“I predict right now a loss at sh*tagain”

“think positive guys, this could have happened against Alabama…”

Shorthorn fans are at the point of no return. Football is finished in Austin, but volleyball – dang! they’re plain ole fierce at volleyball.

“Omg I’m going to burn down this Christmas tree my wife just put up.”

“Kill me now”

“Hopefully our coaches will hand out participation trophies.”

“How does every team in America have a back-up QB that is better than every QB Texas has put on the field since Colt McCoy.
What in the hell is wrong with this program?”

“Shoot me in the FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Need something more fun to do….where did I put the tax code”

“We are a volleyball school now! We are fierce at the volleyball!”

“They could just kneel on the ball on the one and we’d hold in the end zone on the next play and give them 2 points and the ball back.”

“Can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning.”

“the 20 yard line has an invisible fence and our return folks have a shock collar. I’m sure that will be the Monday press conference line.”

“We’re the cheddar bob of college football”

“Sure. A flag. because. we like flags. Yay! Not against us. Jump around and have sex with everyone.”

“Our entire program has a case of the stupids.”

“You could make a 30 for 30 about this Texas program the last 5 yrs. what if I told you a shoulder injury could cripple an entire institution.”

“Seriously. It’s official. I’d rather spend time with the in-laws.”

“Good things about this game:
• It wasn’t a 21+ point loss. (Not a blowout!!)
• Our Best road game this year!!
• I got my garaged cleaned up”

[once again, we thank our friends at Roll Bama Roll]

Alabama 56, Charleston Southern 6

Ok, please take note Georgia, Florida, and USC-east (and we looking at you especially Game Chicks), THIS is how to take care of bidness when you play an FCS opponent: Take the kickoff and march down the field, and score. Hold the opponent and force a punt. Take the punt and march down the field and score. Do that 5 more  times. That’s how this game began: seven touchdowns on the first seven possessions (five TDs on drives and two on punt returns), which made the halftime score 49-0. And by then, the fat lady had already gone hoarse from warbling. The game was over.

This was another total domination for the Champs. The starters were pulled out of the game with about 5 minutes left in the second quarter. So it was like one of those dreams you wish would never end.

El Tractero scored twice to tie Trent Richardson’s record of most TDs scored in a single season (21). Cy Jones had two punt returns for TDs (the first time that has ever happened in Alabama history). And lots of other guys had a lot of fun running and blocking, catching passes and making tackles. It was Beautiful.

The goals that you have for these sorts of games were all met: 1) win the game and, if possible, win easily; 2) play a bunch of players and give the starters as much rest as possible; and 3) get out of the game with no serious injuries. Check, check, and check. Marvelous.

So now we’re down to one last season game, one SEC championship game, and the national semi-finals and finals. The last regular season game will be next week at the Barn. The Wargles got their last win of the season against the Idaho Potatoes, winning 56-34, so they’re all excited and ready to take on the Champs. The gauntlet of 9 straight sudden death games that started on the last Saturday of September is about to come to an end – and now we have a chance to make it end successfully. Let’s do it.

8 down, 4 more left to go.


SEC predictions, Week #12

Ok boys, we’re coming down the home stretch and about the only thing that ain’t doing so well is our predictions! A 5-3 record last week (our worst of the year), puts us at 71-21 on the season. We got an explanation for last week’s disaster and it’s really pretty simple: 1) the only thing Awbarn does well this year is disappoint their fans and anybody who picks them to win; 2) Gary Pinkle decided to retire and give his team special incentive; and 3) LSWho decided they didn’t want to play football any more – so, how can we win when all that’s taking place? Anyway, we ain’t nothing if we ain’t an example of dogged perseverance. This is how to respond to disappointment, y’all: You get up and get back in there! You plant yore feet with your weight forward, get good body-lean, and make that tackle! And this is the week to bounce back cause it’s Bakery Week ™ in the SEC. There are more pastries and cupcakes on the schedule this week than there are at the county fair. But, as they say, we don’t make the schedule, we jus play the games. Here’s what’s gonna happen:

FAU at Florida: The AlleyGators get to scrimmage against the Owls of Florida Atlantic in preparation for their game against the Semi-Noles next Saturday. This might have been an interesting game if Florida Atlantic knew how to play football. They don’t and it won’t be. The Owls are just playing out the string hoping for a final victory against Old Dominion next week. That would bring their season record to a horrifying 3-9. You know it’s bad when the best you can hope for is still worse than Vandy. Swamp Things get their 10th victory on the year.

Citadel at South Carolina: The Citadel Bulldogs are having a pretty nice year (7-3) and are looking for an historic victory over a mighty SEC opponent. Unfortunately, they don’t play a “mighty SEC opponent” – they’re just playing USC (east) so that means that all they’ve got a chance to do is defeat a pathetic SEC opponent. We think pretty highly of the Citadel and officially apologize to them for not providing higher quality opposition – but Vandy couldn’t fit y’all on the schedule this year, so, you’ll have to play the Visor-less Game Chicks. We know, you expect (and deserve) better but this is the best we can do under the circumstances. So. Given how nice we have been, will y’all allow the Game Chicks to win this one? You will? Hey, GREAT! Y’all are the best!

Idaho at Auburn: The Wargles take on the Vandals of Idaho down at the Barn. To give you a feel for this matchup, Idaho is in the Sun Belt Conference (hey, don’t ask, we don’t make up conference memberships either!) and come into this game with a 3-7 record (with wins over Wofford, Troy, and 1-9 ULM). If Idaho was a sorority league team, we would understand a 3-7 record. But our sources tell us their team is actually made up of males. So that means that Awbarn’s biggest challenge in this game should be figuring out how to run their plays without scoring a touchdown every time. So it looks like that finally, The Guster – the SEC’s very own “offensive genius” – will get to show off his offense’s ability to score. It’ll be better than their Spring Game! And everbody in the Barn will get excited about taking on the Tide next week. And, y’all, they are so cute when they do that.

Georgia Southern at Georgia: With the victory over the Wargles last week, Mark Richt felt comfortable enough to put his fake passport back in the drawer and is now getting ready to sign another contract extension. The G-Dawgs are back on track and have a real, honest-to-goodness Winning Streak! But this game could be a little tricky. GSU comes into this game sporting a 7-2 record and looking to play the role of upsetters. And, if the G-Dawgs try to sleepwalk their way through this one, the Eagles could actually pull it off. But we think the Black and Red’ll do what needs to be done to get the win and get ready for their finale against Yellow Jackets. G-Dawgs get their 8th win of 2015.

Charleston Southern at Alabama: The Buccaneers come into T-Town riding an 8-game winning streak and ranked number 9 in the nations (in the FCS). This is their “tune-up” for the playoffs (which begin next week) and no doubt, they’ll come “ready-to-play” (whatever that means). The Champs are going to have to focus in on this game to prevent a very embarrassing scenario from developing. CSU has a couple of pretty good players and they are capable of causing some headaches and indigestion, but we think the Tide will take care-o-bizness again and be able to turn their attention to closing out the season at the Barn next Saturday. The Champs pick up their 10th “W” of the season.

Tennessee at Missouri: The question is which Mizzou team is going to show up? Will it be the one that plays like they’re in a drug-induced coma OR the one that showed some actual life last week? IF the latter, then the Clementines will have their hands full. If the former, they’ll win. And they’ll win so handily that Butch Jones will start texting us begging for a nickname upgrade by the middle of the 3rd quarter. We think Mizzou will return to its coma-like state. Gary’s resignation is “old news” this week. So, we’ll say that the Clementines will win. And if they don’t, we’ll just shrug and say, “Well, whaddaya expect from a bag of satsumas?”

Mississippi State at Arkansas: Now it’s the Bullies’ turn to experience the “Alabama hangover” – and this week ain’t a good time to have any kind of hangover. The Hawgs are hotter than a $5 pizza. After losing 4 of their first 6 games, they now have a shot at sweeping their last 6 (to finish with an 8-4 record on the season). Boss Hawg is so excited he’s getting double helpings in the buffet line (and yes, we have sent him a note cautioning him about the danger of becoming the SEC’s candidate in the Charlie Weiss look-a-like contest – but unfortunately, he seems undeterred in his caloric jihad). In spite of the coach’s gastronomic prodigality, we think the Pigs are on a roll and will defeat the Cowbell Gang for their 5th win in a row. We don’t know how to do their silly call, but “Su-eee” y’all or whatever.

Charlotte at Kentucky: The Mildcats are experts at finishing the season with a wimper ain’t they? After opening the year 4-1 and having everbody speculate about how they might win the SEC LEast, they’ve lost their last 5 in a row – and the only reason that streak ain’t going to be extended is that they’re playing a basketball team this week. The 49ers are sliding down a 8 (that’s EIGHT) game losing streak (which includes a 59-point loss to Middle Tennessee). Mark Stoops better win this game. A few weeks back, we vowed not to pick the Mildcats to win ever again. We’re breaking that vow only because we’d like to get one more perfect week before the season ends. So. Kats. Y’all better win. And we ain’t jokin. There is no punishment too severe if you lose. We will hunt you down. K-Kats for the rare “W.”

Texas A&M at Vanderbilt: The Commydoors jumped back into the win column last week against the Mildcats but this week they face the A&Mers who have lost 3 of their last 5. This is probably the last win the Aggs have a chance for this season, so they want it bad. But Vandy’s sorta, kinda “hot” ain’t they? Well, as “hot” as guys involved in sailing boats can be. They almost beat the AlleyGators a coupla weeks back and prolly shoulda beat Mizzou – and in spite of that, they still have a shot at being Bowl Eligible ™ if they can somehow win this un and next week’s. This could be an upset. But we don’t think so. The A&Mers get their 8th win of the year.

LSU at Ole Miss: Awrite now, here’s the Big Game ™ of the day and the $64,000 question is this: Can the Lester pull everything together and win a game on the road against a fairly tough Black Bear team? Remember, both teams come into this one following a loss to the RazorPigs (the Black Bears lost two weeks ago on that miracle “Su-eee Lateral” on a 4th and 25 – and now y’all are going to have to watch that a thousand times on SportsCenter over the next year and a half). LSWho has the better athletes (slightly). The Ole Misses are at home. LSU got torched by Brandon Allen but Chad Kelly can run as well as pass. LSU is an emotional wreck, but the Black Bears have lost three games, two of which they shouldn’t have. The Ole Missuses had an off week to prepare and heal up and that gives them the edge in this one. It’s is a tough call but we’re gonna go with the Ole Rebel Black Bears. And that means that the Bayou Boys are gonna have to beat the Aggs next week just to get to 8 wins.

Well, we just continue to set the bar about as high over that top peg as we can get it, don’t we? Maybe y’all should just wait to Sunday to read this so that we don’t spoil the fun of not knowing what’s gonna happen. But when you got it, you gotta share it – and speaking with all due humility – we got it. Hard to believe that there’s only one more week in the regular season – but that’s the case and we can’t do anything about it except enjoy what’s left. Cherish the time, y’all. Be nice to all the Clementine fans. Don’t hurt the Commydoor fans’ feelings. Send unused TP to the Barn, maybe they’ll get to use it next year. Other than that, y’all have as much fun as you can and thank the Lord we don’t have to watch Big 12 “football.”


“We just went full Aggie”

Once again we do what we are able to do in order to help our opponents get over their sad and pitiful losses. And what we’re able to do this week is laugh. Loudly. The two losses by the Bayou Boys and the Barners made their fans get in line to stand on the ledge. Trying to talk them off of it is a futile business. So, just laugh.

LSWho fans are now officially in the “depths of despair.” Amazing how much things can change in just two weeks:

“This is what you get when you pluck a DC off the scrap heap. There was a reason nobody wanted sh*tty ass Steele”

“I got so mad about the game last week, I have no more mad left in me
Feels nice to be indifferent about this game”

“I mean, this Arkansas defense had 8 sacks ALL YEAR!”

“That just have me cancer”

“The Oline has turned into Pumpkin do”

“Well there is always next year when we can suffer through this crap one more time.”

“Wait til we see what Ole Miss does next week.”

“hahahahahahahahaha . . . joke of a team! They are so poorly coached at every level. No one has a clue what they are doing.”

“Decline is most certainly real.”

“At this point I think the players should just call their own plays in the huddle. Sidelines are obviously hopelessly clueless.”

“I’m getting sick of watching performances like this every week. It’s been like this since Les got here. At least when I was in school he had the whole Mad Hatter thing going for him to keep me interested.”

“I’d have been better off going hunting this evening.”

“Leave stadium and stop supporting les until he’s gone.”

“So is it safe to say no Sugarbowl this year???”

“How many swastikas of sh*t will it take for the team to boycott the next two games?”

“buga should have went to bama..probaly could have won a heisman and NC.”

“Arkansas is the mystery meat of college football.”

“I have sideline passes for the Ole Miss game if anyone wants them.”

“Glad I gave my A&M tickets away. That will be another ass beating 4 consecutive losses to end the season.”

“We can at least say we were number 2 in the first playoff ranking of 2015. Might even be able to put it on a ring.”

“Birmingham Bowl here we come!”

“Unprepared and out coached. AGAIN!”

“It had been coming for a while, but sold my tickets to others for the past 2 years. It has made me a better, happier me. I may keep doing this long term.”

“I skipped a wedding for this. Free booze for this sh*t.”

“Hard times to be an LSU fan…when was the last time you heard someone say bring on basketball..?!”

But at least LSWho fans had some hope this season. The poor Awbarn fans have had nothing to look forward to for so long they are also now ready for basketball – and that alone tells you how bad it is at the Barn:

“UGA defenders coming in for the sack, JJ drops to his knees
JJ: Pleeeeeeease don’t sack me!”

“lolololololololol Gus Malzahn you brilliant mad scientist amirite?”

“JJ is a bitch who is afraid to get hit”

“legion field here we come”

“We’re stuck with this dumb ass for 3 more years”

“Can we let Muschamp coach the IB… There’s no way he’s as bad as Malzhan.”

“Yeah were done cause of 2nd half decisions and sh*tty calls, it’s a clown show. When’s the next roundball game?”

“UGa can blitz because White doesn’t have the ability to pass deep, intermediate, or run. Basically, he can hand off, but seems suspect at that.”

“I’m glad I’m drunk already.”


“I am really no longer enjoying auburn football. It’s completely embarrassing. Gus should just step down and admit that he sucks.”

“I hope Bama beats us by 60+”

“Everyone should transfer”

“Can we start a go fund me account to oust JJ and Gus?”

“ISIS is more explosive than this offense”

“aTm should be on suicide watch for losing to these clowns”

“We should UAB our program.”

“62 yards passing for the day. Offensive genius my ass.”

“The man is a dumbarse high school coach that was made to look very good by Cam Newton and Nick Marshall. HE is a walking brainfart.”

[our thanks again to Roll Bama Roll]

Alabama 31, Mississippi State 6

There may not have been a more un-Alabama-like victory in a long time. Usually the Champs dominate defensively, hold the ball offensively, and basically refuse to allow the other team to have it. This one was different. For the first 20 minutes of the game, the Dawgs held on to the ball offensively, stopped the Tide defensively, and kept the Tide offense off the field (Bama had only 40 yards total offense up to that point). The only thing the Bullies didn’t do was score. And that was the one thing they that cost them the game. Instead of having a 10 point lead, which they could have easily had, the game entered the second quarter all tied 0-0.

Then everything changed.


Cy Jones returned a Bulldog punt 69 yards for the first score of the game. Then, after stopping the Dawgs again, Jake Coker threw a typical Jake Coker throw (a 6 yard hook pattern) to Calvin Ridley – whereupon the supreme Calvin proceeded to run 60 yards, all the way to the endzone for the Tide’s second score of the day.

After another State drive ended in a 31-yard field goal, the Tide scored on another long play (this time, a 74-yard run by El Tractero on a 3rd and 9) – making the score 21-3 and pretty much ending the game. From there, the Champs’ defense took over giving Alabama its 7th win in a row in this “Sudden Death” tourney they’ve been in since the middle of September.

With the LSWho loss to the Hawgs, the hold on first place in the SEC West became a bit stronger – though if the Tide loses to Awbarn it won’t matter all that much. We have to keep our eyes on the goal – and to attain that goal, we still need to win the next two games and defeat the Alleygators in Atlanta. But let’s not forget to enjoy another victory. Winning is a wonderful thing and now we’ve knocked down the magic number to five.

Seven “must wins” down, five more to go.


SEC predictions, Week #11

We finished the weekend with a 5-2 record and all things considered, we’re not unhappy with the results. We’ll gladly give up that Hawgs (Soo-ey Lateral) victory over the Black Bears – finally putting the Ole Missuses where they should be (i.e., OUT of the SEC West race) and as far as the Barners beating the A&Mers, we don’t care. So in spite of the fact that 5-2 is awful (making our season record now 66-18) we see the bigger picture and give thanks anyway. (Aren’t we a good example? Yes we are). But we do care that we’ve come to the fourth quarter of the 2015 season. Yep. And y’all know what that means, right? Say it with us Myrtle: THE FOURTH QUARTER’S OURS!

Florida at South Carolina: Well congratulations to the brand spanking new Champions of the SEC LEast, the Alleygators of Central Florida! Whachallsay? The Reptile fans have reached previously unheard of levels of obnoxiousness over the course of this season and it don’t look like the rest of us are in for any relief until the SEC Championship game. They could suffer a let down this week against the Game Chicks – but in this case that will only mean that they’ll win by 14 points instead of 24. USC (east) continues its march to an 4-8 season by losing to the Swamp Things.

Georgia at Auburn: Well we reckon somebody went and put a pair o them shiny, pinwheel hubcaps on the Gus Bus didn’t they? Awbarn just got up and went into A&Mer-city and put a whippin on the 12th man (along with the other 11). And now, they got a real shot at making themselves bowl eligible (lookout y’all, Shreveport, here we come!). This week they welcome a G-Dawg team into BarnTown that is trying to recover from going 2-3 in its last 5 games. And, if the Dawgs don’t win this one, Athens will turn into the Anti-Disney World – the “Unhappiest Place on Earth.” Neither team is great this year, but, guess what? East Alabama Tech is playing better each week and they’re at home. We kinda, sorta feel sad for Coach Mark. Kinda. But not too much because this is Georgia and that’s what he gets for going there in the first place. Wargles win.

North Texas at Tennessee: You know, there are some bad teams in college football. BUT, nobody is as bad as the Not-so-mean Green of North Texas. They come to K-ville this Saturday bringing a 1-8 record (with their only win coming against UTSA – which we think is an insurance company right?). This team is so bad, Mean Joe Green is suing them for bringing embarrassment upon his nickname. The back end of UT’s schedule is the weakest of any team in the country. But, if that’s what it takes for the Clementines to get an 8-4 record and a Music City Bowl invite, then that’s a price they’re willing to pay! Go Clementines!

Kentucky at Vanderbilt: If this was basketball season, this might be a game that somebody would care about. But it ain’t b-ball season. And that means if anybody pays good money to watch this game, they need to be put on the FBI watch list. They are obviously a threat to do harm to themselves and their neighbors. We not only don’t care who wins this game, we don’t even want to hear anything about it. So DO NOT TEXT US, DO NOT CALL US, DO NOT SEND US ANY OF THEM FANCY EMAIL THINGYS – we do not want to know. The SEC office should just give both teams a loss and threaten them with suspension if they try to play this game. Ugh. But ok, we’ve promised to pick all the games this year and we guess we’ll go with Vandy. BUT we warn you, Commydoors, IF Y’ALL CELEBRATE . . . IF YOU DUMP ANY GATORAIDE . . . we’re gonna make y’all wear pink dresses during pre-game warm-ups next week.

Western Carolina at Texas A&M: The Catamounts (yes, that’s their nickname and no, we’re NOT kidding) come to College Station sporting a 6-3 record – and if you’re impressed by that, please don’t tell anybody because you obviously don’t know anything about college football and the less you talk, the better. Trust us. But, having said that, we need to recognize that the Catamounts did thrash Furman last week. Ok, we were being sarcastic. This is another terrible team and the Agricultural & Mechanical Institute will win.

BYU at Missouri: We were just wishing that we could pick Mizzou to win something and maybe cheer up everbody on campus who’s got hurt feelings, but alas, it can’t happen. The M-Tigs have got more problems than David Duke at a NAACP rally. And how you gone beat BYU when they’re wearing their magic underwear? How you gone beat that? The Mormons come into this game sporting a 7-2 record and riding a 5-game winning streak (probably the least impressive 5-game winning streak you’ve ever seen . . . but still). At least they have the ability to score which is a point that needs a great deal more emphasis on Gary Pinkle’s part. An inability to score is something of a hindrance when it comes to winning football games. Which means that it would have been better for Mizzou if the football team had stayed on strike. Mormons win.

Alabama at Mississippi State: This game is always a tough one even when the Bullies are terrible. They are not terrible this year. In fact, they have the best qb in the SEC and he’s just the sort of qb that gives the Champs the biggest problems. And that could mean a lot of trouble this Saturday afternoon in StarkVegas. Further, when you factor in that the Tide is coming off a great win over LSU, that could mean trouble with a capital “T.” They’ll have to contain Dak, pressure him, and the d-backs are going to have to have one of their best games of the year for this one to go like we like it to go. Once again, you’ll be able to watch this one on CBS (the Crimson Broadcasting Network) and it should be worth watching. This is game #7 in the Sudden Death Tournament that the Champs entered in the 3rd week of the season. It’s been rough and it ain’t over yet, but the Tide will take this one and hang in there for another week.

Arkansas at LSU: LSWho could still be feeling the effects of the “Alabama-hangover” like other teams have this season – and if they are, this could be another long afternoon in Red Stick. Brandon Allen was amazing last week – if he repeats that performance, get ready for a verbal drawing and quartering of the Hat. LSU entered the Sudden Death Tourney last week and the pressure is on them to win every game left on their schedule and then hope and pray that the Tide loses to the Cowbell gang or the Barners. Let’s jus say, we’d rather be us than them. But the Purple and Gold will win this Saturday.

Ok boyz, there you go! We’d say that’s a purdy strong beginning to the fourth quarter and we ‘preciate all y’all’s support. It’s the time of the year to be thankful and the one thing we’re all thankful for this time of the year is that we’re not Vandy fans (but, of course, every day of the year is a day for that ain’t it?). Anyway, all of us here at Fan HQ are looking forward to another fine football Saturday and we hope y’all are too. It’s definitely time for some o them nachos with some melted cheese and those hot JallyPeannas on top – oh son! There ain’t nuthin better than that . . . Unless it’s watching the Champs win another football game. Y’all enjoy and Roll Tide!