“Goodbye playoffs, hello Jack Daniels”

Once again we set aside a day to enjoy the misery of the losers last Saturday. Ohio State fans are in shock over losing to the Lions, Houston fans are all prepared to reenter the room of meaningless existence, and A&M fans are dismayed (again) that they can’t beat Bama. Enjoy.

Ohio State fans hate “white-outs”:

“Columbus P.D. just sent out an Amber Alert for Ohio State’s offense”

“I think I can hear Happy Valley in Cincinnati right now.”

“Even my mom noticed bad offensive line play. . . . . When my mom notices bad offensive line play, you know somethings wrong”

“3 & 15 ok lets throw a pass for -2 yards”

“Dear Penn State,
Can you please pick a different team to White Out in 2 years.
Ohio State fans everywhere”

“Run the damn beer”

“Harbaugh is going to drink so much milk tonight”

“This is most definitely a sad valley.”

Houston fans were dreaming of making it to the Playoffs . . . hahahahahahahahaha

“Guys I don’t think we’re a playoff contender anymore.”

“Does this count as a quality loss?”

“Not only did we lose to a team ranked 105, we lost to a team from Dallas.”

“I’m inclined to blame Les Miles. We’ve looked like sh*t ever since he got fired meaning LSU AD has been on top of their game.”

“RIP bandwagon fans, hello half-empty stadium homegames and irrelevancy.”

“Maybe the players want to tank the team so Herman has to stay in Houston? Maybe I’m just in denial that we suck.”

“Goodbye playoffs. Goodbye Big 12. So long conference championship. Hello Jack Daniels.”

“Back to having only 2 fans. Jim, we’re in this together.”

“I liked it better when we sucked so nobody paid attention or called us names.”

“Fire Herman, Fire Appleshits, Fire Them With The Funeral Pyre On Which I Burned Myself Alive”

“Only thing that could make it worse is James Harden to the Mavs”

Texas A&M fans are tired of losing to Nick Saban – hey, join the club.

“Fearing Alabama is illogical. Just like fearing Death is illogical. Both are just inevitable.”

“Cancel the flight, walk home losers.”

“No way we ever win a Natty with Saban at Bama. With or without Summlin”

“I guess we should just feel blessed to be on the field with them and shoot to be #2 every year.”

“Coach we’ve got literally -50 yards off of screen plays today. What’s the call on 3rd and 8?”
“Run another! They’ll never see it coming!”

“Death is right around the corner, the heat death of the universe is coming, Alabama is an unstoppable juggernaut, enjoy arby’s today.”

“Would you rather get married to the guy/gal of your dreams, live debt free, work in your ideal industry and have your ideal number of children…or beat Bama?”

“I would like to see Alabama not be good anymore, please.”

[thanks again to all the guys at Roll Bama Roll]

Alabama 33, Texas A&M 14

To say that we’re thankful to win this game is an understatement – because there was a moment there (actually, about 5 minutes or so) when it was plain that we could easily lose this game. That moment began with the second half kickoff to A&M (after the Ags had scored just before the end of the first half to make the score 13-7). The A&Mers, with some minor assistance from defensive breakdowns on the Tide’s part, drove down to score and take a 14-13 lead in the game.

The Tide defense was struggling and the offense desperately needed to respond – and they did.

The Champs took the ensuing kickoff and got a quick first down. After two incompletions they faced 3rd and 10 on their on 34. Jalen tried another pass was was forced out of the pocket and had to throw the ball away – and it looked like the Tide was going to have to punt back to A&M (which would not have been a good thing). But one of the Ag rushers hit Jalen in the face – the personal foul gave Alabama a first down at their own 49 and from there, they went on to score and reclaim the lead, 20-14. Responding to the Aggie TD was critical. This was the first big turning point of the game.

The second came a couple of possessions later. After an exchange of punts, A&M took over on their own 34. A quick first down put them at the Alabama 46 (and it looked like the Tide defense was not going to be able to stop them). That’s when things began to change. A completed pass to Christian Kirk lost 2 yards. Then a Tim Williams sacked Knight for another 14 yard loss, bringing the Ags to 3rd and 26 – and that’s when the big play of the game occurred. Knight handed off to Keith Ford who was hit immediately by Ryan Anderson and fumbled. Jonathan Allen (the Ballerina) picked up the ball and took it 30 yards for a Bama touchdown, making the score 27-14. And, effectively, the game was over. Jalen Hurts’ 37 yd. run was merely icing on a very beautiful cake.

This was the toughest challenge the Tide has faced this year and it was critical to get the “W” – and now they have a most welcome week off to try to recover, heal, and recharge for the last four regular season games.

The worst news of the day was that Eddie Jackson fractured his leg after a brutal high tackle on a punt return. This is a huge loss for the secondary but the saddest part of this news is that Eddie will not get to enjoy the last part of this season (and what will be, we hope, a return to the College Football Playoffs).

Two weeks before having another Saturday night in Baton Rouge – and there’s plenty to work on (Jalen Hurts’ medium to long passing in particular) – but so far so good. To be undefeated at this point in the season is always a blessing – but there’s still a ways to go before we can rest.

Eight down, seven to go.


SEC predictions, week #8

Well, we would have had another perfect week, IF Ole Miss had taken care of business AND Vandy hadn’t learned to play football! But you know, we’ll gladly give up our perfect week to allow Vandy to have a reason to celebrate like they had just won the New Jersey lottery. So, with our two misses, giving us a 4-2 record on the week, we now have a season record of 49-14 on the year (which, though a weak performance by our standards, is still far better than the others — no brag, just fact). But, like the Sabanator, we’re never satisfied and we never take our eyes off The Process ™ — so watch what happens this week:

Massachusetts vs. South Carolina: This Saturday it”s the Lamecocks’ time to play everybody’s favorite Yankee whopping boy — the Minutemen from U Mass. We here at Fan HQ respect our history as much as anybody, and we’re almost embarrassed to laugh at the Minutemen — almost seems unAmerican, don’t it? But a course it ain’t and so we’re going to continue to make fun of them until they start looking like a football team instead of like a bunch of sorority freshmen in a punt, pass and kick contest. The M-Men come into this game sporting a 1-6 record (their only victory coming against the Florida International Airport workers). So, in other words, if the Lamecocks don’t win this one, they should excommunicated from the SEC, before the sun goes down.

Middle Tennessee vs. Missouri: Mizzou comes into this game against the Blue Raiders looking to break a two game losing streak (losing to LSU and Florida). Meanwhile, the Blue Raiders come in with a respectable-lookin 4-2 record. We say the record looks respectable, cause it only looks that way if you just look at the numbers. Their two losses have come against Vandy (and we certainly don’t hold that one against them, Vandy has shown what a monster they can be) and Western Kentucky (which we do hold against them with great prejudice). The Blue Raiders are looking to get one game closer to bowl-eligibility — but they won’t. Mizzou wins and shows why the Blue Raiders are “blue” and not red or some other respectable color.

Arkansas vs. Auburn: The RazorPigs showed no signs of a post-Alabama-traumatic-stress syndrome last week in getting a huge victory over the Rebel Black Bears in Fayetteville. But this week they have to travel to BarnTown to take on the Awbarn Tigers. The Wargles have somehow gotten the Gus Bus back on the highway after it fell into a ditch against the A&Mers. After getting their gift from Les, the Barnes have picked up, two more victories to make a sho-nuf three game “Winnng streak” and everybody down at the Barn is thinking that things are back on the road to Victory City. But take a deep breath for a minute y’all. You beat ULM and Mississippi State (two of the worst teams in college football) and alla us here at the International HQ are trying to figger out exactly why y’all are so excited. We ain’t (excited, that is). And this Saturday. y’all will see why. Pigs win again and Big Brett gonna hit the buffet so hard, it’ll look like he’s the new star of “Man vs. Food.”

Mississippi State vs. Kentucky: The Cowbell Gang gets another shot to beat a mediocre team this Saturday — and for Dan Mullet’s safety and well being, they need to win this one. But it may not be easy. The K-Kats are coming off a tough victory over the Doors (and that automatically puts them on another level don’t it?), plus, they’ve had an off-week to rest up and get ready for this one. We thought the Kats were “mild” — but maybe, just maybe there’s still some “wild” left. We don’t know for sure, but we’re guessing there’s enough to win this game. Kay’s win and the Bullies’ season sinks deeper into the slough of “Don’t Talk About It.”

Tennessee State vs. Vanderbilt: Just a few weeks ago, Tennessee State was looking at this game as an opportunity to defeat an SEC team. They were “fired up” gettin ready for a big win. But then, Vandy unbuttoned the top three buttons of their shirts and showed that big, red fancy “S” and shoot y’all, the story changed. Vandy done put on not only that blue shirt, but the cape and the red boots! And Tennessee State don’t look nothin like Kryptonite. Vandy’s on a roll and they are ready for their first honest-to-goodness “Winning streak” — go Doors! Two in a row!

Ole Miss vs. LSU: the Rebel Black Bears are not in a good mood (getting whooped by the Hawgs will do that to you) and they are ready to hurt somebody. Coach Eaux’s Tigers are fired up about scoring touchdowns (and just in time — we heard that Joe Aleva was about to ask for a rebate on their scoreboard since it wasn’t being used too much). But now, that thang is lighting up like a Fourth of July fireworks show and everybody’s a lot happier. But the question is, will they be happy after this game Saturday night? Unfortunately for our favorite candidate for the LSU coaching job, we don’t think so. We’re thinking the Black Bears will bounce back this week and take this one handing the Tigers their third loss of the season.

Texas A&M vs. Alabama: The Champs take on their 4th top ten opponent of the year so far in Bryant-Denny. The A&Mers are feeling lean and strong and are all set to hand the Tide their first loss of the season, but here’s the problem: the same team that the Champs held to 132 yards total offense last week, hung almost 700 yards of offense on the Agricultural & Mechinacal College two weeks ago. The same team that gave up seven turnovers and still almost beat the boys from South Texas, just lost at home to the Tide by 5 touchdowns. Do y’all see what we talkin about? But let’s look at the other side for a minute. The Ags are a better team than the FloppyTops (deeper, more talented, healthier). They have a much better o-line. They have a better defense. And, on top of everything else, they’ve had their regular “week off before playing Alabama” to get ready. So, if Trevor Football plays his second perfect game in his life and if the Tide makes critical turnovers and gives them some cheap TDs, then this game could be unpleasantly close and the Ags could pull off the upset. But of course they won’t. The Tide wins and keeps their perfect record while the A&Mers lose theirs.

Please notice how daring and adventurous we’re being this week (picking two road upsets in addition to a Vandy victory!). We don’t play it safe. We follow the example of cousin Wesley who’s famous last words were, “Hey y’all, watch this!” Gone but not forgotten. But now y’all, we’re getting down to it — only six Saturdays left in the regular season and it’s time to get serious. Time to pull out the BACON. Bacon wrapped shrimp, bacon wrapped steaks, bacon wrapped sausages, bacon wrapped pork chops, bacon wrapped chicken, bacon wrapped bacon — you know, serious! And nobody does bacon serious, like SEC fans, nobody! So y’all all have yourself a great bacon time this Saturday — and we hope your team wins — unless a course your team does that silly “12th man” thing — in that case, sorry, y’all gotta lose — but still, hey . . . BACON!


“Is our O-line on shrooms?”

Here we are with another classic collection of outraged comments from dissalussioned fans. And it’s another great week for it too — when the G-Dawgs lose to Vandy and the Clementines lose (again) to Alabama, you gotta a truly historic opportunity to hear some “Hall of Fame” wailing — and that’s exactly what we got for you.

Georgia fans are in shock. It’s one thing to be a bad team, it’s another to be a “we can’t even beat Vandy” bad team:

“Mark Richt died for this.”

“My liver is about to die for this.”

“No shame in losing to Vanderbilt. They’ll probably only miss a bowl by a couple of games”

“run run pass punt repeat”

“The spirit of this crowd was broken at the Tennessee game. We all collectively refuse to hope again.”

“Do you guys think tonic mixes well with bleach?”

“Has one of the best RBs in College Ball? Uses him as the lead blocker and hands it off to the wide receiver instead. Georgia found their Muschamp”

“Kirby Dumb ha! takes shot of everclear”

“We lost to the worst team in the conference. We are pathetic.”

“Where does Georgia go right now?” The liquor store.

“Where exactly do you drop anchor in Nashville, TN?”

For the tenth year in a row, Tennessee fans wonder when will they be able to beat Bama. Not any time soon, y’all, not any time soon.

“Guys, I’m confused.. when does the comeback start? I’ll hang up and listen..”

“Butch Jones looks like he’s constantly being choked by an invisible ghost.”

“In for Tennessee in the second half: freshman quarterback Meyton Panning.”

“how many of you have felt personally victimized by Alabama?”

“FUN FACT: You can tell this game is being played in Tennessee because there is a large orange T painted at midfield. Alabama would not paint a T on the field of their home stadium.”


“Is Butch Jones perpetually red or constantly choking? Imma be honest, guy looks like he needs some blood pressure medicine.”

“Did he just say “Alabama” and “underrated” in the same sentence?”

“Swear to god bama could only throw passes with a backup left tackle and still whoop our ass by 50 points.”

[again, our thanks to our friends at Roll Bama Roll]

Alabama 49, Tennessee 10

Now that’s the way you take Orange out of the rainbow. The Champs jumped on top 14-0 (thanks to another non-offensive touchdown) and, after giving the Clementines their only TD of the game (when Jalen Hurts fumbled on his own 11 yard line), dominated the game on offense and defense to squeeze the Clementines completely dry. Neyland Stadium was as quiet as a library and had just about as many people by the time the game ended. In other words, it was an absolutely perfect Third Saturday in October.

And the good news is, this was not a perfect game by the Champs. Jalen Hurts continues to have difficulty hitting open receivers downfield. The line play (looking at you Cam Robinson), still has a lot of room for improvement. And kick coverage was maybe worse than it has been all year. So, there’s still work to be done.

But, oh my, what about that pass rush? Josh Dobbs got sacked 3 times in the first half, but was hit numerous times — enough to make him realize that if he didn’t get rid of the ball within 2.5 seconds, he was going to be sacked but a very large man filled with bad intentions. And that realization has a tendency to have a serious affect on your mental attitude. It certainly did with JD and that meant, among other things, that there would be NO miraculous comeback on this Saturday — no matter how mad Captain Furioso got on the sideline.

The Clementines’ inability to pass the ball downfield meant that the Tide corners could crowd their receivers and the linebackers could focus on stopping the run — which also happened. Not being able to run or pass places some extremely unhappy limitations on your play calling. The Tide outgained Tennessee, 594-163 (438-32 rushing, the Champs averaged 8.9 yards per carry). It was embarrassing — if you were on the Orange side of the field. Which of course, is exactly the way it ought to be.

So the end result was that the Champs captured their 10th victory in a row over the Clementines and won game number 2 of the “four game stretch from hell” and now gets to return to the friendly confines of Bryant-Denny to face the Agricultural & Mechanical School of South Texas (which, please note, will be their fourth game against a Top Ten opponent). It’s getting fun, y’all.

Seven down, eight to go to win number 17.


SEC predictions, week #7

Well we guess somebody’s just got Big Mo sitting in their living room drinking sweet tea, don’t they? Yes they do. And that somebody is US! We just follered a perfect (8-0) week with another perfect week (5-0) to raise our season record to 45-12, and ooooh son, we feelin better than Big Brett after Thanksgiving dinner! And we woulda been 6-0 if Greg Sankey and Hurricane Matthew had cooperated – but we’ll let that drop and content ourselves in celebrating another week of prognosticating perfection. And this week we gone keep on rolling cause that’s just who we are. And we get everthang started on Friday night in Mormon territory:

Friday, October 14

Mississippi State vs. BYU: The Cowbell Gang must have got themselves a membership in the Canine Travel Club this year. Just think of what their scrapbooks are going to look like! This week (Friday night) they go out to Utah to take on the Brigham Young followers. They’re playing on Friday night either because they don’t have high school football in Utah, or maybe they just thought this game would fit more appropriately in the middle of a bunch of high school games. After how the Bullies played last Saturday, we agree. Awbarn beat them like a rented mule and the Wargles don’t even put on magic underwear. Leave the cowbells at home, y’all, this is going to be another long night for the StarkVegas darlings – Bullies lose again.

Saturday, October 15

Vanderbilt vs. Georgia: Poor Vandy. Here they were thinking this could be the year that they made it to .500. They were dreams of a General Dollar Bowl invitation and a nice, long bus ride to Mobile – but now that seems far away. When you lose to the Mildcats there ain’t a whole lot we can tell you that would be encouraging. And this week, they got another road game in Athens with the G-Dawgs who just whooped up on the Lamecocks last Sunday (game delayed by Hurricane Matthew). The anchors have dropped on the Doors’ heads. G-Dawgs win their second in a row and begin to look forward to meeting the AlleyGators in Jacksonville.

Missouri vs. Florida: Word is that Jeremy Foley petitioned to get this game postponed because a cold front is coming through on Friday and he was concerned that the 70 degree temperatures might cause the players to get a bad case of the sniffles, and maybe even, sore throats. Jeremy withdrew the request after being assured by Coach MacIlwain that he was confident that his boys could “play with pain” – so, hey! we’re on in Gainesville! Mizzou has had a week to recover from the “bashing in the Bayou” that LSU put on them, but it won’t be enough. The Reptiles pull out a victory and continue to pray that Greg Sankey will not reschedule their game with LSU. [edit: Too late Alleygators, it’s even worse than y’all thought it would be – see y’all in Red Stick on November 19]

Southern Mississippi vs. LSU: The Tigurs got blown away by Hurricane Matthew last week and this week they get to blow away the Golden Eggles of USM. The Eggles had a two-game winning streak snapped that that powerful football Goliath, the Roadrunners of Texas-San Antonio last week (losing 55-32). This is not a good week to take on a bunch of frustrated Tigurs who’ve been waiting to hit somebody for a week and six days. And it’s especially not a good week if you just got blown out by somebody like Texas-San Antonio. This is going to be one of those games that make you daydream of being in a place where extremely large people aren’t chasing you with the intent of doing you serious bodily harm. About the middle of the second quarter, the Eggles will wish that the game of football had never been invented. Tigurs win.

Ole Miss vs. Arkansas: It’s not getting any easier for the RazorPigs. The game against the Champs last week was the first of five that will make or break Big Brett’s dreams of having a successful season (Awbarn, Florida, and LSU follow this one). They didn’t get a good start last week and we don’t think it’s gone be much better this week. The Black Bears got a rest week this past Saturday before they too begin a stretch of difficult games this Saturday with this one in Fayetteville (LSU and Awbarn are up next). The BB’s are looking to confirm their ranking as the best two-loss team in ‘Merica – and we think they’ll be successful. Pigs lose. Another week without free Peetzers. No songs from the Pig Lady. Just that inescapable gloom that comes from realizing you could be 6-6 at the end of the year.

Alabama vs. Tennessee: Hey, you know if almost counted, the “Magic Dust” kids would still be undefeated. They almost did it again. But they didn’t and, unfortunately, it looks to us like the Clementines done used all that magic stuff up. And that will spell “T.R.O.U.B.L.E” this coming Saturday in Hillbilly Heaven. This is the second game of the “four game stretch from hell” that the Tide has to run through and we think everything’s in place for win #2 of the four. The Bama defense comes through again and the Clementines open the door for the “We-don’t-like-to-play-in-bad-weather” Gators to waltz into Atlanta as the East Champions. The Champs win again and succeed in taking orange out of the rainbow for the 9th year in a row. It’s a beautiful thing, ain’t it?

Do y’all remember how you made it through a season before we came along? No, don’t think about it – no sense getting all depressed.  You need to be excited about starting the second half of the season off right (and sad ain’t part of that). So let’s get ready to watch some tackle football this weekend! We hope yore team wins unless, of course, you think Orange is pretty.


“The Cotton Bowl is not actually made of cotton”

What a week! The Rocky Flops run out of angel dust; the Shorthorns get whooped by “Big Game Bob”; the RazorPigs get barbequed by the Tide, and LSU fans get mad at the SEC Commissioner. You couldn’t beat if you were Usain Bolt!

Texas fans are perturbed over the fact that they cannot seem to beat the Okie Wagon Riders:

“Baker Mayfield would look cooler if someone punched him in the $#@!in mouth”

“I love Jesus but I hate those $#@!s so much.”

“My liver has healed just in time to kick its ass again.”

“Missing: Defense.
If found, please return to your nearest Big 12 team.”

“Nothing screams ‘our rivalry is irrelevant now’ than being played on FS1.”

“Are we gonna still be able to afford Herman after paying these refs?”

“Texas didn’t pay the refs, LSU did. They are trying to save Charlie’s job so they can get Herman.”

“DID U KNOW?: The Cotton Bowl is not actually made out of cotton.”

“There is no such thing as an upset in the big 12 Fox. Just disappointment.”

“I don’t feel anything anymore.”

Arkansas fans actually, really and truly believed they had a chance to defeat the Champs. They really did. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

“Nick Saban seems like one of the few times in my life I’ll witness sports history being made and be aware of it as it’s happening.”

“Truly tired of this bullsh•t. Every year we lose to Alabama”


“Someone needs to give Austin Allen a vacation at a spa or something. After these last two weeks he certainly deserves it.”

“I only ask one thing. Don’t actually cripple our QB. He’s pretty good.”

“Shirts for the next game: Austin Allen’s Life Matters”

“I feel great knowing that our OLine can block Bama’s third string.”

“So is it possible for us to hire Les Miles as our DC next season?”

“Everything HURTS”

“Woo Pig Pooie is more accurate today”

“Wanted: Defensive talent
Wanted: Defensive coach
Wanted: Offensive Line talent
Wanted: Offensive Line coach
Wanted: Signature win vs Bama and A&M
Wanted: Signature win
Wanted: whisky”

“Don’t worry, we can win next year!
Or the next year. Or the next year…”

“It’s always next year when you’re playing Nick Saban.”

But the worse loss this week belonged to LSU fans, getting beat by a hurricane and the SEC’s commissioner’s office:

“Can LSU file a class action lawsuit against UForfeit?”

“Are we being punked? Is this real life, cause i don’t know anymore.”

“This is just another example of pandering to Alabama. Watch LSU (6-1) run the table, but have Alabama (-1) represent the West in Atlanta.”

“This game is the only one in the entire country that has been cancelled. Sankey is owned by Florida.”

“It’s amazing every other school in the course of the hurricane was able to make alternate plans.”

“LSU was willing to play the game in Baton Rouge, Gainesville, or a neutral site Sunday or even Monday. Hell, I would’ve loved a Bryant-Denny Sunday matchup”

“I heard Florida’s AD actually built a hurricane generator and caused Matthew to get out of this game. Why aren’t more people talking about this?! It is soo obvious once you look at the “facts.”

[Thanks again to all the boys at Roll Bama Roll]